Visitation from the Medicine Buddha
Two unusual and even spooky sits past couple of days, and one tonight that was shit. (I used to know better than to judge any sit this way, but I’m too mad to care ‘bout that right now.) I can dispense with the latter one first. I was simply trying too hard tonight and ended up so damned mad and frustrated, although that is really pretty silly of me and not at all helpful. Oh, well.
Fluxing, Shimmering Effects Adorn Equinanimity
Two days ago my session went quickly to Jhana 3, 4, 5, and 6. I was moving up and down between 4 and 5, mainly. It seems that I’m in High Equanimity stage. I feel very close to some shift, and I’m having those arisings of excitement and then fear – edge-of-precipice stuff. This sit was very intense for the fluxing of space. I should mention, because DW asked, that I am paying attention (though in turn) to hearing, touch, and smell, too. I’ve been lighting these nontoxic scented candles from Big Dipper (my friend runs a buying co-op for many natural, nontoxic, eco-friendy, organic, fair trade products, so I get a great deal on these otherwise expensive beeswax candles, though I digress).
I light the candles, sit till EQ is strong, and then I open my eyes. In EQ I do always see things flux, warp, roil, and shift – and I mean literally “see” this. This night, however, it became a bit too much and reminded me of last year when this sort of thing wouldn’t quit for a minute, on cushion or off, and I ended up in the ER for 20 hours. The center of my vision became so bubbled out and so flowy that it was indistinct, blurry, which made me feel a bit panicky. If I closed my eyes, everything was manageable again, so I just closed my eyes whenever it became too intense. However, I wanted to see what was happening to the extent I could. I noticed that, in addition to the big flux that every “frame” seemed to be rapidly replaced by an imperfect copy. Normally this would just appear as shimmering, but I guess my mind was sped up and concentrated enough to actually see the replacement of each frame by its successor. This makes for an effect of semi-transparency and shimmering. I widened my view and noticed that the whole room was strobing, but it wasn’t the harsh, annoying, migraine-inducing strobing of a haunted house; it was like gentle fold-downs of sheets of rain. All these effects involved the background, foreground, whole room.
Lastly, there is this weird half spin and spin back that happens. This actually happens frequently in EQ for me. Sometimes the spin shimmies up and down the wall. Very weird. These can be disorienting after a bit, so I close my eyes. The lack of sync-up has never been so loudly in my face.
Medicine Buddha Has Cold Hands
Before yesterday’s sit, I noticed that I had something that felt like a mini-A&P stage going on. Everything felt luxurious, ecstatic, sexualized, uber-clear, hyperenergetic, and powers-y. I’ve not felt this way in months. I hunted up all my sweet-smelling sanctuary candles and lighted them, and I pulled out my old notebook of Tibetan materials, which I’ve not done in years. I have these artistic renderings in the pockets of the notebook. I started looking through them and thinking about how in MCTB the no-self door involves collapsing into eyes, or an intelligence. I got this idea that if the eyes wouldn’t come to me, then I would go to them. And I have a connection with the Medicine Buddha, though he’s a little weird looking with that cobalt blue skin and those hypnotic eyes.
You see, I had this breathtaking dream of the MB several years ago. I was simply walking through this field, on a dirt path, toward a white gazebo in the middle of the field. In the gazebo sat the MB, only he was floating a few feet above the gazebo floor and staring straight at me. Suddenly he started communicating with me without speaking, beckoning me to keep coming toward him. I did, but was never any closer. I kept walking, but he kept retreating at the same pace, so it seemed that I was walking in place. Then it started raining blossoms. They looked like dogwood blossoms. They blanketed all like snow. After this dream, I started attending MB pujas, for lord knows I have enough problems for the Blue One to work on. Actually, those pujas are quite poetic and beautiful. They also are meditation. So yesterday I set up the candles and the image of the MB. It was too small, so I ended up using an image on my lappy, and, interestingly, the thing never went into screen saver for the the entire hour and a half. I quickly rose to Jhana 4 and then 5. I gazed on the MB, especially his eyes. Fairly quickly, some odd things started happening. It looked like his mouth was opening and closing, for starters. He looked sort of popped out of the 2D and started warping into somewhat different poses and positions. His face was fatter and then skinnier and then fatter again, and so on. The weirdest thing of all was that three times, over several minutes, I felt a chilly hand on my right shoulder! The final time it happened creeped me out and I looked behind me to see if there were any possible source of a draft or other explanation. None.
Today my new friend Kat, a technical writer from work, came and did a Healing Touch energy balancing session with me for two hours. I really know nothing about this stuff, but she has Level 3 certification and will soon do Level 4. She needs people to practice on without charge, so what the heck! Supposedly she “grounds” herself and grounds me so that we don’t get any of each other’s “stuff.” Well, I was expecting this to be calming, but it actually was buzzy and jacked me up a bit much. It was hard for me to hold still and really hard for me to go into spaciousness. My space felt a bit invaded, even though I usually like that sort of thing and I really have a great vibe usually with this woman. She was focusing on my hurt foot today, but at one point she went up to my right shoulder and placed her hands there a long, long while, breathing audibly. After the session, she asked if something had happened to that shoulder recently. I said no, because I was thinking “injury.” After she left, I remembered about those cold hands on that shoulder.
Fire spirit and Ice-Blue Medicine Buddha are trying to help me, it seems. Bring it.
Well, actually, I was wondering if I didn’t get off track in doing this weird Medicine Buddha idea. Intuition seems great, but I guess people can get all kinds of weird ideas and start acting on them when those actions are not the practice. I thought maybe I should have been working with my expectation and frustration instead.