The Dark Night of the Soul
Ace of Pentacles, reversed. Vague frustration. Desire to leave but not knowing where to go or what to embrace instead. Lackluster sit, but not unpleasant exactly. Wish I had been able to be outside today instead of working. It is bright green and brilliant blue springtime, but there is a dark gray wash over everything. No one sees.
Nonduality and Fear
So last night I couldn’t sleep at all. I tossed and turned until I gave up and read this new book Nonduality that Bill Finch recommended to me. Then the birds were chirping in the sunrise. I lay back down and several times drifted off, only to jolt awake in terror. I was losing myself each time as I drifted off. I was suddenly diffused into Boundless Space, or Boundless Consciousness. I was melting into surround space, I was losing myself, and at the last second, each time, I decided to hold back. With that decision, terror spread through my being like wildfire. It was truly terrifying and always at the moment of drop-off.
Today was beautiful outside, but I was confined to my office, working on MCTB2. I was in Misery. Not about anything, really, just the stage.
Tonight, during my sit, I felt my concentration was extremely poor. I was truly miserable, and bodily vibrations were very noticeable. I kept moving back and forth between trying to get jhana and just sitting there investigating all this vibrating anguish. I was crying at one point and then upbraiding myself for being stupid enough to cry. And so on.
The sit kept feeling like failure, but, even so, it was interesting. At one point, I got very intense large swaths of space fluxing through me, and I had that synch-up that that portends “agencylessness.” I felt that even this mood, even my excess attention toward it, were part of this larger moving of the whole volume of which it is part. There was no post-jhanic bliss reward. The whole-volume wave was it. There were several discontinuities. Not sure if those were fruitions or just kind of shift shocks through my skull.
King of Wands—Charisma, Charm, Boardroom Power
I drew the King of Wands, upright. He has that dragon flare and wears it like a boa. It has to do with negotiations and new ventures—confidence in my own new enterprises. Indeed I’m feeling a bit restless to be free of Daniel Ingram, to awaken, and then to start my own projects—writings, community, whatnot. This, too, is likely also just a fantasy, just part of my wanting to return to a life that really is gone now, a bit of clinging to my old self, a bit of clinging to the one who is in control of her destiny, right?
Even so, I will be reckoned with. I will bring all my power to bear on new startups, and I will not be content to be relegated to the margins of anyone else’s writings again. I will be one of the definers of community, on equal footing with whomever presumes to refer to himself as my Overlord.