Irritableness / Unperturbed Bonus Track
I slept almost the whole Labor Day weekend and felt like doing nothing. Quite a come-down off what felt like an A&P stage, huh? And I’ve been easily provoked, irritable. Friday I was reprimanded at work for my “tone” at a meeting. Tonight my sit was characterized by this irritation: My breathing was halting/jerky, I felt air hunger, and I had numerous itches and feelings that ants were crawling on my skin. The top of my neck felt weak and trembling. Oh well!
At the same time, that weird new warm buzzy substratum of peace, a separate track, remains unperturbed, flowing out in vibratory concentric currents. Speaking of contradictions, although my boss came around Friday to speak to me about my “venting frustration all the time,” at the very same time one of my authors was penning me a gushing acknowledgment that listed my “patience” as one of the characteristics she appreciated in our work together.
Saturday, too, I ran into an acquaintance of mine, a New Ager in the local coffee shop, and I was thinking about my problems with my boss when I saw him; still, he said, “Oh, wow, something has changed with you!” I said, “What do you mean, what do you think has changed?” He said, “There is such peace sublimating off you.” I told him that I was actually kind of stressed at the moment because my boss had reprimanded me for “venting” in front of her boss. My friend said, “No, you are at peace now even when you are not; the energy is very warm and tingly – I felt it from across the shop when you walked in.”
It occurs to me that I’m “cycling” on top of a substratum of peace. I guess to others my cycles are very slow. I can drop down into that peace stratum almost at will, regardless of the level of turmoil atop it. I better do so tomorrow because we have a staff meeting. Either that, or I’ll have to show up to meetings from now on with mouth plastered shut.
[Postscript–This comment was from Shargrol of the DhO at the time: Jen, you could be through the “review” phase of the first path and are now moving through second path. Jerkyiness in particular is very Cause-and-Effect insight stage. The other icky sensations could be Three Characteristics. Of course, you are now going through this with first path under your belt, so there is going to be more jhanic flavors, easier access to a sense of flow, bliss, buzz, etc. When you feel it’s time, tell yourself it is time to go for Path 2. And just so you know, Path 2 is kinda confusing. It becomes very hard to map and is really just about showing up for practice, day after day.]
Detox Cries and Vibrating Body Copies
I’ve had several sits but not the wherewithal to record what they involved. I’ve been sleeping a lot suddenly – a lot! and I’ve been grumpy. I’ve sought solitude. It seems like I’m experiencing some Dissolution, just when I was really enjoying my A&P reunion! I’m really busy with editing MCTB2, which is quite time-consuming and pretty difficult actually after I’ve been editing all day at work, so maybe I’m just a bit run down in the mundane way human beings can be.
In brief, my past few sits were not unusual except in that at times emotions arose spontaneously. Once it was tears, even though I felt neither clearly happy nor clearly sad. It was almost just a detox cry. Another time involved blissful raptures, which really haven’t been a thing for more than a year.
I may as well mention another difference since stream entry. It has to do with sleep and waking from sleep. My sleep seems incredibly deep now, even though normally I have light, shitty sleep. The remarkable dimension of sleep, however, is what happens when I wake. For some moments, I cannot sense my body. Then what I sense is several vibrating copies of my body that feel like they are coming together and then vibrating apart, coming together and vibrating apart–like I’m a deck of cards being shuffled and reshuffled. It is quite bizarre and has occurred during every waking since August 8. If I sit still right now, I can feel this effect reproduced in a somewhat weakened form. No idea about this, have never read about or heard of such an experience. Basically, there is something profoundly shape-shifting about my boundaries now.