Trumping Crazed Energies

Some have asked why I’m writing here less often. I’ve been scarce here for a number of reasons:

  • I’m keeping a private journal of my main formal practices, and it is not ripe for revealing to the public;
  • I’m in a stage characterized by “retreat” from interaction and more deeply into the quiet of my body-heart-mind;
  • I’m insanely busy at my day job;
  • I still need to post the rest of my Dharma by Dark Night journal; 
  • I suddenly lost interest in tarot and dreamwork, which is mainly what this journal is about, as it turns out; 
  • I’m trying to grapple with time pressure; 
  • I’ve been swamped with energies of people in crisis and needing support this week; and
  • Because I’m so open now, I am easily swamped with chaos and fear in the field.

And, with regard to the final bullet, boy, has that been intense since Trump was elected. It has been a wild ride. And I am still not carving out sufficient time for writing the dharma book planned. So this journal will be slow for a good while.

Last night, instead of doing only my advanced formal practice, I spent nearly 3 hours in ritual and meditation, calling on holy beings and protectors, doing guru yoga by allowing the Exemplary Being to enter my crown and descend through all the chakras, and sitting as the fierce and protective Mother over Little Jenny and other Little Ones near me and suffering and seeking. When this was over, I had the sudden urge to throw some cards.

Understand the Past: Page of Swords Reversed

The Page of Swords is a card of youthful power and fortune, symbolized by the red dragon tattooed on the girl’s body. Here it is reversed, signifying the inundation of negative energies and discussion of natural and political disasters. 

Understand the Present: The Six of Disks

This card features the archangel Gabriel, whose name means “Strength of God.” This angel is the Messenger and Seat of Mercy. He is the deliverer of divine texts and teachings. This card is about manifesting and integrating good deeds on this physical plane, especially through communication, writing, dreams, and visions. Gabriel heralds Mary’s pregnancy and blows the trumpet before Judgment; so he is about monumental collapse and monumental beginnings, sweeps of aeons beyond historic time. This very Earth and species are at stake in the people I’m now helping through crises. This is a Bodhisattva’s commitment: to stay, to envision, to communicate, to manifest. This card indicates spiritual gifts I already have yet need to earn through hard work for others in need. This is my life’s purpose.

Do This: The Five of Swords

This card features luminous-eyed Athena, with her owls. The number 5 carries elements of suffering and challenge. And indeed there have been challenge and a frenzy of suffering in others that have created a field effect penetrating me to the point of inducing chills, weakness, and feelings of illness, all of which vanished with this 3-hour sit. This card, a 5, means I have to go into duality, so to speak, to retrieve the core of myself so that I’m not so easily swamped and tilted by the crazy energies of the field. I am meeting this challenge of working through my dis-ease and the suffering of the field of beings with intelligence, reason, strategy, and philosophy (stalwart Athenian). Key message of this card, and right on for current context of Fear everywhere, is this: Question all paranoia; invoke and give spiritual protection.

Envision Outcomes: The Seven of Swords

The raven in this card is holding an emerald in its beak, both the sun stolen from the gods and the color of the center of the rainbow, green, as 5 above was the center of the numbered cards. This card, and the whole reading in general, is about movement, deeds, and descent to the physical Earthly plane to guide others with reason. This is, like the other cards, about a Great Work, communication and transmission of knowledge and power. It is a card that tolls my life: To teach, to write. 

The Star

The figure on this card is a woman simultaneously walking through a living earthly field of humanity at night and yet hanging suspended over it in crucifixion, a Mary-el feminine savior figure. This card is about the “black spot of death” that was there already at birth. Ultimate growth is into the death of the ego, and that death gives rise to the True Self. The woman wears a garment with a six-pointed star centered over her womb, potential. Six is another multiple of 3, which dominates this whole reading. What has been built on and of earth must pass through these three: Devil, Death, and the Tower. At least, if enlightenment is to be reached: “The ego, the conscious idea of self, riddled with mistakes, regrets, illusions, delusions, untruths as well as truths, ideas, illusions of separateness, illusions of needs or instincts, of human life, they are all blown away. The earth is blown away. The lie is exposed. And when that shell falls, when you find you cannot stand on that lie anymore, and you fall through the illusions that is self and life on earth and everything you know or knew begins to vanish and disappear, all will become black and empty and, then, alone will be a single light. That is the truth. That is home. It is one. It is the Star. In the blackness that was the Tower, the Star will guide you home.” (Marie White, p. 56)

The Star arises for the multitudes of humanity. If I stand by and up for the truth, no matter how hard doing so may be, and no matter how brutally alone and crucified I am for doing so, grace will come. Grace will come. This star, like the others, encodes life-death-rebirth cycles, earth-heaven-earth cycles. This reading of an underlying holographic matrix is perchance the exposure of the chief lie.

In Buddhism, some old versions of the Bardo Thodol, also known as The Tibetan Book of the Dead, contain a hexagram with a Swastika inside. In Tibetan, it is called the “origin of phenomenon” (chos-kyi ‘byung-gnas). It is especially connected with Vajrayogini, and forms the center part of her mandala. In reality, it is in three dimensions, not two, although it may be portrayed either way. Many Western occultists associate this central chakra [the heart center] with the central sephirah, Tiphereth, in the kabbalistic tree of life. Christian kabbalists in particular associate this sephirah with love, healing, and knowledge.”

This card is from my personal Tarot, the Mary-el Tarot by Marie White. Feast your eyes on her amazing art here:

Blazing the Esoteric Path

This is going to be good. But first, be sure you have read the ugly context from my last post about the gaslighting Daniel subjected me to, or tried to.

After dispensing with Daniel’s nutso letter to me, I performed a ritual to access my akashic records and cut all ties with him completely and forever, in all times, parallel realities, and lives. 

I saw that in one particular life I was a human woman and he was this gigantic amorphous translucent red creature that floated above me in the sky and vaguely had the shape of a flying squirrel. I was running through a brown meadow in a long red gown, near some woods. He was blobbing along, chasing me in a way. We were sorcerers in the same order, and this was some kind of magickal combat training drill. There was a sense of both attraction and competition between us.

Suddenly there was a scene in which something had gone terribly wrong, an explosion and stabbing, but I couldn’t see exactly what had happened. There was some horrible bloodshed by one of us on the other. But I couldn’t tell which one of us was the killer and which was the killed. It seemed that some sorcery had gotten out of hand, went too far. I think I was probably the one killed, which would explain why I couldn’t see exactly what happened: just a lot of blood, confusion, and then nothing.

The tie-cutting ritual was thorough and left me feeling clean, light, and free.  

Then I threw these cards.

Understand the Past: Seven of Wands Reversed

The Seven of Wands, when reversed, indicates enmity but also indecision about it, hesitancy. It also indicates that, in achieving a position of leadership, I will have to face jealousy. I need to be realistic and feel the strength within. I need to recognize that my position is stronger than I usually think it is.  

This card urges me to never be indecisive in this regard. I need to come to a clear course of action. I must have complete trust in my inner voice. I need to remain patient, make no unwise decisions, and resist feeling threatened. 

This card fits well with what just ensued with Ingram. I understand now that I succumbed to relationship amnesia by engaging him in the first place. I need not be rattled. He is jealous, desperate in his actions, and obviously so. I had perfect clarity during this exchange. Crystal clear sight was in abundance, and I saw him so clearly that all my further regard for him snapped like a brittle icicle.

This lifetime is bringing a major increase in responsibility for the knowledge I’m about to receive on this leg of my journey, but I am ready.

Mine is the position of strength.

Mine – by the Right of the White Election!
Mine – by the Royal Seal!
Mine – by the sign in the Scarlet prison – 
Bars – cannot conceal!

Mine – here – in Vision – and in Veto!
Mine – by the Grave’s Repeal – 
Titled – Confirmed –
Delirious Charter!
Mine – long as Ages steal!

Emily Dickinson

Understand the Present: Three of Disks Reversed

The domestic scene on the Three of Disks reversed indicates that I’m feeling time pressure to complete a big new work (book), but that I need to be careful not to rush and not to turn into an obsessive workaholic. All that bustle and drive comes actually from a lack of faith in my own resourcefulness.

There is no actual hurry. I need to pay attention to the material plane, to my home, health, and family. I have the resourcefulness to complete a book, and I also have the resourcefulness to take my time in figuring out how to do so. The advice is to step back and see the project as a whole and also as part of the rest of a rich life of ever more learning.

Do This: Four of Disks

Ah! Another four (like last reading), and another disk. Both four and the disks emphasize the physical plane. This card is saying, “Settling what is without will settle what is within.” I need to attend to my body, my family, my job, my rest, and the like. Like the card just before it, the message is to get my work life and home life in better order. Take care of Jenny.

Envision the Outcome: Justice

A decision has finally been made. An obstacle has now been removed. That obstacle was remnant faith in resolution of Ingram and MCTB2. Now I see all the way through that delusion and understand fully that complete and permanent severance from him is best. I also understand that the best possible outcome with regard to MCTB2 is that my beautiful work and good name not be associated with this false “arahat.”

Here is the payoff, and it is a biggie: the major arcana card Justice, which bears the number 8, which is infinity and manifestation on the physical plane. It is a harbinger of magickal power.

This card is about action, and the Buddhist word for that is karma. I’m entering my calling. The Great Work (enlightenment) will be completed, and from there the Magician’s path of spontaneous presence and manifestation will begin.

I am to contemplate the whole of my life, understanding my past actions as who I am, and understanding my future actions as who I will become. It is time to go within, to retreat from the Outer, to know myself in truth, to know the good and the bad of myself, to gain mastery of myself. Full enlightenment is the crux of what is without and what is within. This echoes what the Four of Disks was saying: that I need to settle my physical plane chaos to settle what is within. Justice is looking to the future, when I will go within to manifest outer reality according to intent.

As fast as my awakening has been, now my esoteric path begins. Looking clearly within, at the self, without wincing or embellishing, will help me see the outer world more clearly, as well. Reconciling my past self with my exemplary self will be the purification and transformation that ushers in my True Self: the Eternal Magician.

Message-Transformation Death-Creation

Interestingly, right before Daniel and I (temporarily) renewed email exchange, I performed a healing ritual that included calling in, as “third guests,” all those with whom I had unfinished karmic business, especially him, toward whom I sought to wage forgiveness as part of overall healing.

I also laid out this spread: 

Soon afterward, he communicated with me for the first time since November 2015.

Understand the Past: Knight of Swords

The Knight of Swords, traditionally, indicates a dark man who in his youth went on a quest for ultimate knowledge and union with God. It is associated with the sun, the son, rigpa, and logos (writing). It also traditionally indicates a spy or enemy.

Understand the Present: Four of Cups

The Four of Cups here shows a gift (shell) washed up on the foregrounded shore by the vast ocean, which is the subconscious. The shell bears a message in the form of a dream, perception, or strong intuition. It indicates a problem that I’ve been working to solve slowly, drop by drop. Although it indicates weariness and discontent with the situation’s status quo, it also indicates patience as I peel back layer after layer after layer slowly to find resolution.

I think mainly this card indicates that, perhaps in part because of my forgiveness ritual, an actual message was about to arrive from the enemy.

Do This: Two of Cups

The Two of Cups is a card of the heart. The red horse is passion, or power; the white horse is purity, or compassion. This card is the connection between me and the world, and I have to take care to steer these two in equilibrium. It is a delicate balance, contracting inward and flowing outward, as is the rhythmic force of my heartbeat. This card indicates repeating patterns. It indicates the force of love as that which, paradoxically, binds two who stand in opposition. The whole world is driven on duality, on the tension yet union of opposites.

The card enjoins balance and Right Action based on loving-kindness.

I offered to drop copyright. I even offered to drop my shield and sword first, so to speak.

Envision the Outcome: Four of Wands

This Four of Wands features a phallic tree, fired up by the sun and soaring up and up and up into spacious freedom. It marks the libidinal energy of unsurpassed creativity and success. It indicates my coming out of hell and a struggle with a fiery demon.

This is a card of community, society, and alchemy. It is calling me forth to my true passion so that, through that enmity that now burns away the past, I will transform myself through creation.

This card speaks again to the transformation and healing that will come only from my writing my own book, which I’ve started doing.

Remark the Fours

In the tarot, the number 4 is ruled by the Emperor. It indicates a solid foundation, stability, and the carrying out of justice. Paradoxically, it is also associated with death and therefore transformation, particularly that leading to authority, order, leadership, reason, and power.

Basically, I’m done with the past, and the current burning up of all deadwood is fueling for me a new era of unusual creative success.

Surfacing the Unconscious

It is Friday. This spread was read last Sunday:

The Past Context: Knight of Cups Reversed

Court cards usually represent actual persons. This card represents a beloved man. The picture is of the young knight who pursued the Holy Grail. A white lotus grows out of the tiers of spilling blood adorning his protective armor. The fountain of blood might represent his heart, except that it is painted on his armor. His real heart – who knows? This card is currently reversed and indicates a context, or past, in which this man, as a youth, was unable to find love. He doesn’t know where to look. Worse – he doesn’t know how to look. He long ago took refuge in duplicity. He fakes love, kindness, and high purpose.

The Current Situation: The Moon

This major arcana card indicates that the man of the first card somehow was a cause or condition feeding the prominence of my dreams, a prominence which has definitely been the case this week. The Moon is the feminine, nighttime, the cyclic, poles ever becoming each other, all things dreamlike, and the hidden and secrets now surfacing as night dreams. The card is about the advisability of my staying shrouded and quiet. Although I was tempted to action right before this reading, this reading indicates that “now is not the time to act.” So I didn’t do what I had planned. Traditionally, the Moon indicates a hidden enemy, or an enemy who is engaged in deception. He is hiding in plain sight.

Warning: King of Cups Reversed

Ah, my old friend the King of Cups! This is the more adept and corrupt version of the Knight of Cups. This is about his denial of the meaning of  dreams and emotions. The warning is about a man who is committing hypocrisy, duplicity.

Outcome: The World

This card simply indicates success, fulfillment, completeness, and individuation if I read the situation accurately and stay shrouded in dark, cool quiet.


This spread has several clear, insistent patterns. There is a man involved. This man has deep emotions (Cups), but he is in denial of them. He is engaged in duplicity, hypocrisy. In the position of past, this man was a youth (Knight) who could not find love, acceptance, or meaning in life. As an adult (King), he is adept at altered mind states and unconscious/subconscious fantasy. He dwells in the cool interior pools of that inner world, just as I live for the nighttime and move through the dreamscape. 

He is not to be trusted. I am to remain still and silent, confessing nothing, asking nothing, expecting nothing, doing nothing. I will become increasingly psychic and responsive. But now is the unknowing time, and I lie in my own dark pool, incubating, dreaming, waiting.