The Arising and Passing Awake: Rapid Cycling
I meant to head this entry “The Arising and Passing Away,” but I’m going to let the way my hands typed it abide.
Just 15 hours after that remarkable Cause and Effect, all signs point to the beginning of an A&P. Confusing. I had an A&P dream in the middle of what seemed a protracted Equanimity-in-Review stage. Still Equanimity seemed to persist. I do remember having a few minutes of mind-body review. Then C&E today. Why would I be cycling this fast? Am I definitely out of Review now because starting from the bottom? Even though I can call up insight states now, which I thought happened only in Review?
I lit my fancy oil lamp, meditated gently for a few minutes, feeling like I could sit all night, and drew the Magician card. This card represents positive new progress, a new direction, a new path (apropos). At the same time, this card represents an individual of high intelligence, self-understanding, and wit: an adept, a community leader, or teacher. This person could be new; in an established relationship, however, this card represents a new and positive beginning. The upright Magician in the card is moving boldly forward. He holds a straight staff upright, showing his absolute conviction in his direction and in his power. He commands all 4 elements of the minor arcana, which in the card he holds the signs of:
- Cups for water: emotion, relationships, creativity, and love;
- Pentacles for earth: the physical plane, career, money, and resources;
- Swords for air/wind: intellect, thought, reason, and power;
- Wands for fire: spirituality, energy flow, intention, will, creativity.
The images of paths and hands in the background suggest the specific unseen forces behind and undergirding the Magician. The upward flight of the white dove in the background suggests liberation (insight) and creation (magic). The Magician’s hand is open toward the sky, indicating both the release of self (insight) and creative expression (magick and other expressive pursuits).
The card is telling me to tap into my attainments, talents, concentration, intuitive ability, and other fortunate resources. It is telling me to very simply and directly stop holding back. The Magician is inviting me to step forward confidently into the spiritual transformation I otherwise desperately seek.
Woke with a migraine. Sleepy and mildly headachy all day. A&P seems to be subsiding into Early Dissolution (man, that was too short of an A&P!). Whatever has recently happened to me seems to have made the cycles much faster.
The First and Last Training
I was reflecting today on ways I need to improve my life and conduct, starting with exercising restraint. These cycles make me (and others) pretty nutty, and I need to be mindful of this as a fact to be always expected to manifest. In work situations I am mindful of it, but that doesn’t mean that I should let loose everywhere else.
Part of my shortcomings in this regard is that thinking in terms of conduct alone won’t work for me. I need to take it all the way to heart: what is at stake, what these forces do, and what I want to be from the silence of my heart out to others. I like to think of myself as pretty smart and precise. And I’m a person whose intentions are normally good, virtuous; however, it is humbling to see that I too easily get completely lost in these forces. It is not enough to recognize them and determine to control my words and actions: I have to plumb the counter-thoughts at heart, work from the deep level of self-purification, which seems to be this new trip I’m on. I’ll look into some simple rituals to do.
I’m going to go into magick pretty seriously, I feel. It is in my future. I was in many stage productions in college, a theatre major. Ritual is much the same thing. Magick is much the same: By becoming otherwise, you more completely become who you are.
What Daniel said about keeping renunciations private, in my own mind and heart, is resounding in me—not just the restraint aspect of it, but the heart aspect, the returning to the heart and reflecting from that interior more thoroughly, without neediness. I’m a shy but needy woman who wants to love and be loved by everyone. This collection of traits and habits, shyness and neediness, leads to my being hurt by my own over-expression. Not everything should be expressed. Most should not be, even the good should be restrained. If I had less of an open wound where a backbone should be, then it would be enough for me to sit with my mouth shut, my hands still, and my heart open. I might then not be so greedy and demanding, and ultimately hurt.
I’m also working with food, movement, schedule, sleep—although notice how terrible a job I’m doing on the sleep part at the moment, which is the root of my problems, just as Aparna said. A lot of my life and practice is on hold because work on MCTB2, but there are adjustments I need to make to self-scheduling. I can and will stop my life for MCTB2, but I do not need to further stop my life because I am on this Path. I do not need to obsess. I need to return some attention to the relative, to the training in uprightedness. I need to turn mindfulness in toward my heart.
The sit tonight was fine, my usual jhanic arc up and back down. Entering fourth came with this odd tingling up my legs. It spread to cover my entire lower body. That was a bit weird, because, otherwise, I was very neutral and slow.
Nine of Wands Upright
This card is asking me to reach within myself to find the strength remaining to finish the battle or quest to the end. The dragon in the background is one showing defiance. The end may be nearer than I think. I need to persevere despite difficulties ahead.