Mentors, Group Re-Formation, and Psychic Flashes

Aquamarine is the stone of the seer and the sayer.

Posted here is an excerpt from a much longer entry in my private journal.

Dreams of Two Mentors

I had a dream after I began writing this piece. It was brief and simple. My teacher is walking ahead of me in the dark, but I seem hesitant, with some angst about the intensity into which he is leading me. He stops and looks back over his shoulder at me. He beckons me, saying, “Follow me.” I say, “Okay. Let’s go.” Then he walks out the top of the luminous matrix into Space. Everything pales out.

I had a subsequent dream. I am trying to IM with my bestie in Asheville, but the the computer keeps losing our connection. I am fed up with it and decide to penetrate the screen through meditation. When that doesn’t immediately work, I think, “Oh, I need to add lubrication.” So I fill up a bucket with water, turn on the TV, and pour the water over the TV. My mother materializes on the spot and says I’ve ruined the carpet. I move through the screen and am in Asheville, in a big Victorian home where a party is underway. My bestie opens the door and hugs me, When enter I see every “group” I’ve ever belonged to there. I hug Ira and Paul. I find the DhU (minus Daniel). Finally, I go upstairs. In a room there is a long farm table. People are seated on either side. I sit on one side. At the head of the table sits Daniel. He and I are psychically aware that the other is nervous. In fact we feel the same. We avoid speaking to or looking at each other, and engage in conversation with those immediately next to us. I start talking about how best to deal with the influx of people now asking me for practice advice. Daniel starts talking to the person to his left about the same topic, giving the answers about time management, disclaimers against being a “teacher,” insisting on a specific question, and all those Danielisms. He finally says, “Tell her this.” and gradually we come to look each other in the eye. Then all the others vanish. We are speaking directly and calmly to each other from the two distant ends of the same table. 

Psychic Flashes—An Example Involving Group Dispersion

I’m experiencing a lot of psychic flashes—sudden visualizations. For example, a chat channel was becoming too crowded with pre-pathers and strangers for my comfort. The Seattle group and my own vision of a select group were being conflated, and the communications were not appropriate for those on earlier paths. After a certain psychic flash that morning, I decided to put an end to the chaos and wrote everyone as follows:

I’m going to be frank about my thinking, having discussed matters thoroughly with several of you on private channels.

First, this channel is getting crowded, and I don’t think it is skillful or efficient to discuss all layers of practice with those who are working on first and maybe even second path. It is a distraction and can become a sidetrack for them. Second, I dislike Google Hangouts as a medium for the reasons that I stated before. On-the-fly chats that cannot be indexed and easily retrieved are problematic for my purposes. It feels chaotic to me, unfocused for depth. I prefer going to a threaded private forum space that has a chat function. The site I designed more than a year ago has all that, plus “blogging” spaces for members, backups, security.

Because I have to work a full-time job, my spending large amounts of time on every pre-path aspirant who comes along doesn’t scale well, esp. since there are already resources for that out there. So, practically, I need to manage my time if I’m going to complete what I sense is my own mission—a book that is “pragmatic” but goes beyond MCTB. I have to finish this path and write. That is what my intuition tells me I’m supposed to do. My goal is to write something that gets people third and fourth MCTB path and beyond. I don’t mind answering questions, but to protect my energy and all-too-scarce time, I have certain ways and means for answering such questions. I have a website with a form that specifies what I need to know before I can give meaningful advice, or fit my response to the individual, and how the asker should formulate conversation with me for optimal response.

The Innermost Courtyard vision and mission as stated out on that old forum is pretty much the focus I’m still looking for in any group that organically forms and organically continues. I think a small, intimate intensive that focuses on advanced esoteric practices will help us grow. The members bring “specialties” to the mix. For example, Jim has mad skills as a lucid dreamer. My chat with Andrew on here yesterday already impacts the way I will write about the post-AA experience, because he has a nuanced way of stating phenomenological results, and that drew out from me more nuanced ways of communicating what he is currently noticing. So that helps the book, which eventually helps all those currently focused on ordinary insight.

I’m not in SPuDs, as I’m not there in Seattle. Moreover, my own sense of what Pragmatic Dharma is and ideally will become in the short term is under significant revision driven by my being on the upper end of the path. Specifically, I’m going through this major revision of my earlier Pragmatic Dharma “total openness” ethic. Mahamudra and Dzogchen are “completion-stage” esoteric practices. Traditionally, one would have practiced the eight other -yanas decades before ever hoping to have access.

In my own current practice, my teacher has repeatedly had to thwart my mappy proclivities so that I will experience deeply the wisdom of spontaneous presence, or increasingly close approximations thereof. He is actually mappy himself, as is Mahamudra, but the point he is making with me is that mapping territory in the somewhat distant past differs from mapping terrain currently underfoot. This allowing for spontaneity may sound cliche, but actually it is part and parcel of opening the Fourth Time and accomplishing the Spontaneous Presence of a buddha. It is method.

At the upper end of this path, trust in the teacher becomes critical. My teacher has enjoined me to keep my esoteric practices “under wraps.” Truly, I’m not one to be so namby-pamby sounding. But I have to trust that he has sound reasons for what he tells me to do and not do. He says our culture, even that of most diligent practitioners, isn’t yet ripe for a floodgate of esoteric information to open.

I really don’t want expansion of membership at this time  I want to go deep with a few select people and build slowly. I’m not in a place as a practitioner or potential mentor where I feel ready to launch a broad “movement.” I felt that Movement drive when I was in the Dharma Underground—the thrill of it all—but things are different now. I went into a virtual cave for almost a year when my former drive to start a group failed. Doing so deepened my perspective. 

So, in sum, I’m saying that SPuDs is its own animal. And I think it is best to have Innermost Courtyard be its own animal.

Thanks for listening and reflecting on what I’m saying.

Interestingly, it was the pre-pathers who jumped in to agree with me. So the inclusive channel is closed.

Earlier on the morning that I wrote and sent this message, the psychic flash was that I saw the wrist mala I made years ago. It was on my nightstand. Immediately a vision flashed up of its breaking, the beads scattering. I put it on and wore it to work.

After I sent this message, disassembling the pragmatic group, I went to the restroom, where that mala that I’ve had so long broke. Its “liberated” beads are aquamarine, my birthstone. It is the seer’s stone, representing water’s clarity and mirroring. It is also the stone of the throat chakra, yielding quiet resoluteness in negotiating, teaching, and communicating.

Aborted Travels, Earthbound Dreams



For reasons not fully known, I became interested in the past few days with the notion of astral traveling in the sense of outright out-of-body transportation like I experienced spontaneously when I was about 18 or 19, and like I experienced more profoundly during the stream entry event August 8, 2014. I was motivated by a vague feeling that the texts are not telling the full truth about my current practices, that I am missing a piece of information that I may need. Even so, as I prepared to experiment with astral travel, I felt this undertow of lazy disregard for doing much effortful work merely to fly.

Here in this post I’ll document what unfolded, although I’m redacting parts about my current formal practice, which is documented in a journal that remains private for now.

Powers-y Fun Back in the Dharma Underground Days

In contrast to my current, demotivating No Problem-ness, as DreamWalker calls it, back in the old Dharma Underground days, in our intimate little exclusive tree fort secreted below the Overground, we used to have the most fun experimenting and dreaming of the days when our “arahatship” would be “done” and our siddhis would stabilize. 

From my voluminous private correspondence with Daniel Ingram, moreover, it was evident to me that he was more excited over western magick, and any evidence of its results, than he was in furthering his own awakening, which he publicly states has “gone as far as awakening can go.” (Despite his public stance, in October 2015 he messaged me on Skype indication that he had privately and thousands of times taken Bodhisattva vows and didn’t know how to finish the work toward full enlightenment, meaning buddhahood.) I never believed in magick before I met Daniel. He was “out” about his interest in it and at least some of his results from it. That made it okay and even interesting for me to follow him into a magickal view of reality. Truly, the influence Daniel Ingram had on me in just one year was intense and life-altering.

After I experienced the Mahamudra awakening of July 29, 2015 (equal to MCTB Revised Fourth Path), I found, by contrast, that the prospect of siddhis motivated me enough to act with pointed intention only rarely, during intense flares of some oddly emergent A&P stage, which is the only cyclical insight stage I notice anymore. I’ve had some amazing psychic stuff open for me in the past, but, oddly, never from my worked up intent – only by accident, as documented in my blue Dharma by Dark Night journal, which, by the way, is my favorite journal, which I’ve been adding to over the past two weeks steadily.

Well, all powers were accidental unless my resolving hard for 3 months to attain nirodha samāpatti and then attaining it counts as successful intent.

The past 24 hours has shown that this pattern of accidental-only powers hasn’t changed. The post-awakening exceptions to this are some incubated dream experiences, some lucid dream-visions, and a new ability I seem to have to directly know other people’s minds and emotions (a power that turns on automatically, especially when someone is lying to me).

My current formal practice may be thought of as siddhi-related, although what is required seems almost anti-intent on my part.

I think that the lesson here regarding feats like astral traveling is that I’m simply not to pursue power on a separate track, as something that is “mine.” My path departs from Daniel’s specifically in this respect, among several others: I’m serious about cultivating conditions for buddhahood and what it requires or entails regarding surrender to the whole. I must leave everything alone and allow this awakening to proceed to buddhahood naturally. I return to resting into what naturally unfolds when I come home from work and have time and natural inclination to practice.

A Highlight from Last Night’s Practice

My first sit last night was in an Epsom salt bath, as usual, which I know sounds like a strange way to practice, but it has worked best for me over the past 6 months, and every night I’m called to it. I was preparing to draw my practice to a close when I thought about an astral travel video Kurt and I had watched the night before.

Now, pertinent here is that for a few weeks now I’ve been helping this young man I know, one of my son’s lifelong friends who grew up in our neighborhood, addressing some medical issues that no one seems to be helping him with. This guy is a follower of Steven Greer, the UFOlogist, and a follower of many other conspiracy theories. He meditates. He thinks he is a star seed and he follows some “ascension” practices. He says he personally has seen UFOs, and in particular told me about his once seeing a huge one in his back yard at night. It consisted of three white spherical lights in triangle formation.

So as I was sitting there in the bathtub, thinking I was missing some piece of information about my current practice and thinking that I should ask this young man for a link to traveling instructions, I suddenly saw in front of me three small white-light spheres in triangle formation! This happened the instant I thought this young man’s name.

Poor Concentration and Aborted Astral Travel Mission

After chatting a while with DreamWalker about traveling and shamanic soul retrieval, I decided to use what I was already good at as a platform for travaling: jhanas, especially formless realms. The plan was to ask for help in seeing what I need to know to aid me in practice and in writing a book to help others practice. Well, this session was terrible! My breath felt jerky, and no amount of adjusting it helped until I was about a frustrating hour into the sit, when I started deliberately taking very deep, slow in-breaths, and equally slow out-breaths.

Finally, I was calm, but then I had difficulty with the jhanas. I used to call them up and they would manifest on command. Not so now, and the more I tried to exert control, the worse the sit became. Finally, I decided to just drop all notions of jhana factors and getting anywhere. The sit still was less than stellar but I did get to some soft form of arupa jhana, either j5 or j6, though I’ve not been able to tell the difference between Boundless Space and Boundless Consciousness since second path, as documented in my blue journal. Maybe I can’t tell them apart because, ultimately, there is not any difference between space and awareness. Makes sense, yes? 

I never seem to get to j8 anymore, but I’m out of practice at that sort of thing and really have no insight to gain from it and no motivation to practice jhanas. J7 is an interesting state, but it takes quite a bit of wrenching intent for me to gain it anymore, and I’ve rarely tried. I didn’t see the point in trying last night. If I had had more time and no traveling goal, I think it would have been fruitful to simply watch the jhanas happen, without trying to call them up. But I’m short on time these days, and nights.

In fact, as the sit continued, I didn’t see much point in what I initially thought I was after. I was tense, and there was perhaps even some fear associated with traveling, but I’m not sure. I didn’t think I was afraid when I started. There was definitely a sensed undertow pulling me back down and away from the impulse to travel, though.

I finally opened my eyes and started my usual practice, which is always profound. Interestingly, this time nothing happened. Even after 15 minutes, it was more practice dessert! This was interesting and I took it as kind of a sign that down this traveling sidetrack wasn’t where I should currently be going.

Dream Incubation Spell

I extinguished the candle and crawled into bed. I decided on the spot that I would try a dream incubation since my travel plans were canceled. As I normally do with much success following,I wrote out an incubation to all the beings who care about these practices: 
Please bless me in my practice. 
Please take me in a dream to a teacher who can show me some truth that will aid my practice and my teaching others how to awaken in this very life. 

Through my chat with DreamWalker, I had settled in my mind mainly on an extraordinary-being teacher of cosmological-scale knowledge that will help with my writing a dharma book. Instead, my dream took me to Daniel Ingram, standing before a gallows on this planet Earth, about to hang an innocent child.

Dream Narratives

I am standing at the foot of a gallows in the middle of a green grassy field. It is early morning, springtime, and birds are singing. Daniel is standing up on the platform and is placing a noose around a blond little boy’s neck.

I’m looking up at Daniel’s face from below, sobbing, begging him not to go through with executing this pure child. Daniel blithely ignores me, humming to himself, and proceeds in workaday fashion to string up the child. As he does, I look down to my right and see a clone, or twin, of the first boy. Still crying hard, I pick up this little boy and hold him in my arms, tight against my body. I’m sobbing, furious, and scream at Daniel, “You will never take this one from me! You will never get away with such black evil again, not on my watch!”

I woke up from this dream. It was morning but I was still sleepy. I took out my incubation text and reread it. I placed it back under my pillow, and, after I lay back down again to sleep, I asked for another dream to clarify the first.

Arrive that dream did:

Now I’m driving in my car at night. Every few blocks, I see a young man in his twenties whom I know to be having mental health issues and to have no money or wherewithal to get help. I pick them up in my car and transport each to where he can get help. I give each money to pay for the services he needs.

Now I hear on the car radio news that MCTB2 has been posted for commentary. I suddenly have the impulse to stop the vehicle and email Daniel to ask him to consider removing his claim to arahatship from the cover and the book, and to tell the truth about the Actual Freedom era, when he admitted in an audio recording that he was not in fact “done” with his awakening. But then I think better of my impulse and decide not to have anything to do with him. I decide instead to drive to a little gym in a strip mall and get a workout on the elliptical machine.

I enter the little all-night gym. As I do, I’m surrounded by reporters who try to get me to comment on the posting of Ingram’s MCTB2 version that excludes our yearlong collaboration. I tell all of them “no comment” and push past them all to a stairwell at the back of the gym. I tell them that I’m going to the Women’s restroom, not to follow me, that I want to be alone, that being a woman has to pay off in at least this one respect.

So underground I go. I enter a dim, dirty restroom and then enter a stall. On top of the commode tank, there is a box of chocolates with “Jenny” writ large on a Christmas card that is atop it. I open the card, which plays Christmas music, a glass harmonica, as I do. The card says to take one candy and to pass the gift on to others, anonymously. The card doesn’t say so, but I psychically know that the candy keeps replenishing so long as everyone who receives the gift takes only one piece and pays the rest forward. I also know psychically that my best friend since high school, Robyn, sent me the chocolates and card.

I leave the restroom with the candy and card. I walk down the basement hall until I find a door. I enter a conference room with a table in the middle. There are some high windows on the far wall. They are open and daylight is pouring down into the basement through them. Paige and a few other dharma students are sitting around the table. I place the gift and the card on the table, and I push them across to my teacher John, who is sitting below the windows. When I meet his eyes with mine, all the emotional pain surrounding Daniel and MCTB2 evaporates.

Again I woke from the dream. Again, I decided to go back to sleep once more. I asked once more for further clarification.

I am back in my car, driving away from the little gym with the underground dharma meeting. It is night. I resume my practice of finding young men who need help and transporting them to where they can receive appropriate help. But I have a new idea: I pull the car over, get out ,and look up at the night sky. Then visions begin in the sky, revealing psychically to me that they are maps of interstellar routes and tracking systems. Gradually, I understand how to read the sky visions as a map. It tells me where to find those young men in need. This quickens my work in locating and transporting them in my vehicle, which I resume doing. Then I awoke for the last time.

Dream Evaluation

The boy that Daniel hangs looks to be 3 or 4 years old. He has white-blond hair, but is not my son when he was small. The boy reminds me more of my son’s cousin, Matthew, when Matthew was small. Perhaps the connection here is that I have to attend a court ordeal with my son tomorrow, and his attorney’s name is Matthew.

In the scathing letter that Daniel wrote me on the day that my copyright registration of MCTB2 was approved, he referred to MCTB2 as his “baby” and to me as a criminal. In fact he compared me to a thief, a stalker, and a rapist. Mind you, this was my first mentor, dharma teacher, a self-proclaimed arahat, who wrote these devastating words to me. So one obvious meaning of the hanging of the boy is that MCTB2, his “baby,” was annihilated by Daniel, not me. And for Daniel the important point of the execution was that I watch it, bear witness to it, for it was all meant to punish me, not the boy. The clone of the first dead boy as a second living one that I picked up and protected is my own writing, own book.

Another meaning of the little boy and the young men I drive around to help derives from the fact that Daniel’s public forum, the Dharma Overground, consists mainly of young men.

The radio news, reporters, and attempts to question me point to Daniel’s fame and jealous-god-like attachment to fame and competitiveness. This dream is a warning against attachment to the Eight Worldly Dharmas. That is why the Christmas candy and card are anonymous and come with the understanding that we all benefit only if none takes more than his or her share personally. This dream is a warning against personal gain, personal powers, as ends and goals.

The basement room with the light-bearing windows around John’s head is a new Dharma Underground. The vision of John thus positioned reminds me of the painting by De Vinci of Christ’s last supper.

These dreams mark the first time in a long time that I’ve dreamed of my car as “vehicle” of awakening, something that occurred often for many months after the scene with Daniel exploded.

The sky as vision as map was just a hint of what I was initially looking for via travel or dream. It is saying to keep to my personal vehicle for traveling, which is to practice as I have been, that my current practice will  tell me where I need to go and how to help other beings. Power and fame and special feats are still a mere sidetrack. And that sidetrack leads to a dead end.