Dreams and Astral Outings:
Feeling-Seeing Coherence,  June 2018

June saw the continuation of the move away from the sheer wow of traveling in a second phantom body and toward a deeper, more theoretically sound understanding that no body whatsoever is necessary for “traveling,” because traveling has nothing to do with Space and therefore matter. All traveling is time traveling and of mind only.

Eradication of the last vestiges of belief in space and matter, specifically in the sense sphere of sight, will empower coherency between the feeling sense sphere and the seeing, not only in nonphysical matter reality (NPMR), but also in physical matter reality (PMR). To this end of enlarging access to one larger reality, I’ve begun attending lucidly to state ambiguity among waking, hypnagogia, and dreaming. In this way, I’m coming to know that the enlarged NPMR reality is not superspace containing PMR but a coexisting expansion of reality available right here, right now in a PMR unleashed from illusory limitations.

Observations and lessons in NPMR this month seem to be the key to overcoming barriers such as the speed of light constant and dense matter impenetrability. Intuitively, my path forward reveals itself to me.

June 1: Transition to and from Vibrations and into Sleep: Utility of Jhana

I think I have something to say, but I’m unsure I know how to say it well enough to justify this entry. Here goes nothing. I got to bed at close to 3 a.m. again because of Kerry-related delays. I did a really good bardo practice for Terri, with lights appearing in midvision (the tantric “butter lamp” dissolution phenomenon) and jhanic-type afterglow bliss lasting till I was asleep. Contrary to my resolution not to listen to SOD audios while falling asleep, I put on my favorite: “I am the dreamer,” whose lines I’m determined to transcribe, as this is probably the most profound guided meditation I’ve ever heard by anyone. I was noticing rigpa, checking rigpa, even though I don’t do so normally anymore. I started sort of thinking about why my being rigpa might not be crossing the threshold into sleep. Basically, when we fall asleep, we are falling into Mother, kunzhi. If there is not sufficient brightness of rigpa to illuminate it, then Stupid Sleep is the result. So goes the theory. Rigpa was strong. In fact, the bardo practice juiced that up to euphoric high-energy add-ons, booster rockets. So I have been puzzled over what the real issue could be with lack of control and stabilization. I’ve been reflecting that the default Dzogchen practice is one of nondoing, allowing, surrendering to whatever arises, and so forth. That practice is conducive to stabilizing nondual unbounded wholeness, UW1, which is the Mother-heavy “vast” version of unbounded wholeness. I’ve also been mulling over how emphatic well-known astral travelers and lucid dreamers are about the criticality of personal intent and laser-like concentration.

I let J know months ago that I feel that results of my main practice have stalled out for a year because I’m being asked to develop knowlege of a cosmological scale and nonphysical compass. This development will require reintroduction of the masculine principle, the Magician, as opposed to the pure potentiality of the Void, the feminine High Priestess.

Whatever shifts what I call unbounded wholeness 1 (UW1) to UW2 in waking reality, a shift which has happened and is for me stable, needs to happen in the nonwaking. Is this just a matter of higher rigpa? Is rigpa still limited by subtle dullness? I don’t think so, at least not in waking reality. But if there is some high I’ve not yet hit but of the same ilk, then how would I know? Well, intuitively, I think the problem must be resolvable without recourse only to rigpa intensification. After all, many people can apparently astral travel and lucid dream who have no realization on the Path of Surrender at all.

So, after 3 years emphatically off this tack, I am now reconsidering concentration practice and individual intent from where I am now on the Path of Surrender. My thinking, as I observed my body-mind relationship while falling into sleep last night, was that I perhaps need to exit my sense of a physical body through the portal that is the central channel. I had the further thought that returning to heavy-duty jhana practice (formless realms j7 and j8 only) may be required, particularly because the more concentrated one becomes, the more completely that the subtle mind is drawn into the central channel, my target.

The thought is that I would rise to j7 and then absorb into the central channel while still awake. I have done so a couple of times while on retreat. I have a hunch that this is the way that what A. H. Almass calls unilocality happens with regard—specifically in this case—to one’s mind taking one’s own subtle body as object to penetrate, debunk, and thereby (paradoxically) “exit.”

Unilocality, after the New Physics description of quantum entanglement, is the notion that the separate particulars of manifestation remain important after realization. Specifically, each particular contains the whole of the unbounded wholeness, quite literally. If clarity is high, and intention is sufficiently particularized, then one with stable UW1 realization can know another’s mind, travel, and effect other experiences ordinarily considered impossible, or at least paranormal. Thus, UW2/unilocality differs from the nondual model of mystical oneness with two inseparable grand aspects (kunzhi and ripa). UW2 is marked, in fact, by a collapse of the spaciousness or vastness that gives kuzhi its positive characteristics of space, stillness, and silence. The collapse leaves all boundless but without the UW1 sense of positive Space. The feeling is bright, clean, clear, immediate, and utterly spaceless. Thus, UW2 is from one point of view indeed a stabilization of the rigpa  aspect at high intensification. (I’m currently revising and editing part of my whole-path map that addresses all these distinctions in far more detail than I’m providing in this cursory mention.)

The immediate challenge for me in “traveling” is to find all of outside space, and indeed outer space, in the particularization of myself—namely, the central channel just in front of my spine. The central channel, you see, is an unfindable, always functual portal. That concentration likely is the method to realize unilocality to the extent that “traveling” results comports with the traditional linkage between concentration and siddhis, including traveling, multiplication of consciousness, and even bilocation. Why else would the higher concentration states be called formless realms?

J has typically contrasted concentration with Dzogchen in our conversations. He remarks that he dislikes having to enter into concentration states at all but has to do so in order to teach concentration to meditation novices. He says, “It is not what my deeper intelligence wants to have happen.” I totally get that. I’ve been downright averse to concentration practice for 3 years now myself, and my nickname is Jhana Jenny! But just as one can remain in UW1 for decades, not progressing to UW2 and realization of the Indra’s net–like unlilocality of all particulars vis-à-vis all other particulars, which again differs from classic rigpa/kunzhi nonduality, I think that Dzogchen can lead one to reify “nondoing.” The result can be lack of discriminating wisdom. The result can be imbalance. Eventually, one must grow up from supplicant to shapeshifter. 

The usual cautions apply. What I’m stating here applies to a high level of practitioner, mind you. One should not pursue unilocality and siddhis prematurely. Doing so can be and usually is a distraction, at best, and a derailment at worst. UW1 comes first and is the fruition of Buddhist texts. It is difficult to find mentions of what amounts to unilocality and what I call UW2 in the Dzogchen literature, unless you know ahead of time what to look for. By the time unilocality starts showing itself naturally, one has little need of literature, however. Meantime, be honest with yourself. Understand that shortcuts are almost always long cuts.

As I was falling asleep last night, I was intently focused on concentrating all the diffuse energy, all the light in the universe, down into my heart center. Something happens when I do this, but I’m not sure how to describe that something. I think I will need to dig up my old rusty jhana practice and see if it still works. I hypothesize that j7 and j8 are the keys to stabilizing ability to “travel,” which I keep placing in quotation marks because the realization of unilocality is the realization that spacetime, particularly Space, is only an illusion, even though it is scaffolding for UW1.

I once aligned all the formless jhanas in this way:

  • j5 is a conditioned simulation of Dzogchen Mother consciousness (kunzhi). I have no further use for this one.
  • j6 is a conditioned simulation of Dzogchen Infant consciousness (rigpa). I have no further use for this one.
  • j7 is absorption into the central channel, and taking the central channel as object fruitully hardens the j7 aborption.
  • j8 is bardo, in-between state (of dream, death, and resurrection/becoming).

I say I have no further use for j5 and j6 because they are early pointers to the rigpa and kunzhi aspects of the natural state. By early 2015 I could no longer separate j5 from j6 in my jhana practice: They were indistinguishable, one state, just as rigpa and kunzhi are inseparable.

Also, in Daniel Ingram’s rendition of crosswalks between Progress of Insight stages and jhanas, crosswalks with which I agree, there is embedded the notion of “cycling” endlessly though the insight stages. After MCTB first path, vipassana and samatha are difficult, if not impossible, to experience without bleed-across from each other, according to Daniel, and again I agree. In a sense, then, one is cycling through jhanas until rigpa is opened and stabilized in daily life.

What Daniel characterized as fourth path when last I looked at his model is accurate in my own experience, as well as the experience of others, with a few exceptions. One of the key exceptions is his claim that those who reach MCTB fourth path keep cycling through the POI stages and, by logical extension, the jhanas. As mentioned here several times before, I’m unsure why Daniel is still cycling, or was when I last conversed with him, but I can assure readers that the natural state obliterates the POI stage cycling completely. The harbinger blending of j5 with j6, and the fractalization and stage-desquencing of the POI in third path, are signs of and preparation for the complete ending of cycling among conditioned stages and states. Where you want to end up is the natural state, not stranded on a not-so-merry-go-round of other states. Even MCTB fourth path plus no-cycling doesn’t finish the Path to enlightenment, but it marks the end of fundamental suffering. It is dramatically life-changing. It is also necessary to the realizations and integrations that follow it.

When J talked with me in January, he excitedly was lining up the same pairings I had of formless jhanas with Tibetan aspects of high realization. We had come to the same hypotheses independently, which is reassuring.

I think it is time to dust off my jhana practice and to develop a deeper and more reliable engagement with the central channel absorption by building on method I already know: calling up j7. Taking the central channel as object in j7 is “how to disappear completely.”

A more detailed, methodical, and didactic treatment of these complex matters will appear in my book.

June 4: Visions in the Dream State after a Long Time with None

I was very sleep-deprived today because I got too late of a start on practice last night after painting Kerry’s room. Today I was reflecting that I used to have visions in dreams that became lucid all the time but haven’t now for months. Also, my OBE, lucidity, and even dream recall has dried up again.

About an hour ago, I lay down for a nap. I fell asleep quickly and instantly was gazing on my two hands held out in front of me in some kind of weird reverse light—like xray, but color, like the Illumination card in that old Voyager Tarot card deck I own. I was soon noticing the ring on each hand, that the jewel was a tigle. Then the tigles popped off my hands, turned into peaceful mandalas, and then into connected crosses, which started expanding into a net of light. This made me realize I was lucid and, hey, I used to see such things in dreams all the time, many months ago. Then I was undecided whether I were actually asleep or awake. I decided I was asleep. The excitement attending this realization woke me up, so I got nearly zero rest. The experience and realization were worth the lost sleep.

This dream reminded me of how I look at my “astral” hands when I’m out of body, but it also made me think about that instruction in Boundless Vision to concentrate on the lights wrapped around the fingers when the visions are suspended between increase (third vision) and retreat back into the heart (fourth vision). I still have no idea what to make of that instruction.

June 6: Vibrations as the One Nightly Constant

Just a quick status note—I’m not having outright travels, lucid dreams, or even regular dreams that I can recall lately. The constant, though, is that I’m experiencing the intense vibrations every night when I get in bed, and then some kind of shift in awareness/attention that I don’t yet know how to describe, except to say that it is nonconceptual yet completely aware (of its own being aware). Both the vibrations and the weird awareness state repeat if I get up to go to the bathroom and then go back to sleep. The vibrations are what happen right before the second body separates from the first, but I’m losing consciousness right after the vibrations start to settle down. I then remember nothing.

It is hard to know how to practice or what to emphasize. I really need better recall. Or something. I’m not giving up. I’ll persevere.

I should probably more widely research what should and shouldn’t be done once the intense vibrations begin. Different people say different things. I guess the fact that I get to the vibration every single night, usually several times, is progress, yes?

By the way, I’m not trying to get vibrations. Ever since that first time I left my body and looked at the phantom body in my bedroom mirror, the vibrations just come—nightly. It is as if my mind learned how to get to that stage of astral projection and retains the ability. I just cannot get past the vibrations consistently.

June 8: Seeing Red Alarm Clock 9:02 through Closed Eyelids

More alarm clock weirdness. I’ve had a migraine all afternoon and evening. After work, I took a bunch of migraine medicine and herbal remedies for nausea. Finally, when none of this worked, I lay down on a heating pad in my bed and listened to “I Am the Dreamer” through flat earbuds I bought for sleep.

I was relaxed and aware the entire time, but I don’t remember parts of the audio, so who knows where I was or in what real state. Nevertheless, it didn’t and doesn’t feel like I ever fell asleep. I was aware the whole time that I was in bed. Toward the end of the 18-minute audio, violent bodily vibrations began, and I thought about how I normally dive off and am lost after this point. I’m hearing the audio, and suddenly I’m seeing the large red numbers on my alarm clock across the room on my dresser. They say 9:02. I know and have known the whole time that my eyelids are closed. Yet I’m seeing out, through my closed physical eyelids.

This is not a dream. I’m not asleep. My point of view had to be upright to see the clock, not reclining on my back in the bed. Yet I knew I was reclining in the bed. It seemed an impossible geometry for me to be both lying down and upright, but I had to have been. I remembered that, when astral traveling, I see through closed eyelids, so I wondered if I were traveling. However, I was not this time aware of being embodied in a phantom body. In other words, I did not look down and see ghostly arms. As I looked at the 9:02 I also knew that was not the right time. It had been 10:01 when I went to lie down. When I realized that the 9:02 was not real time, the 9:02 began warping and wavering, like a shaky mirage. Then I was suddenly not seeing the red numbers through my closed eyelids, but seeing only the ceiling from lying-down perspective in my bed. Now I’m up out of bed, even though “Cosmic Wind” audio started next, and I was getting into it.

June 9: Two Formless Beings Reconfiguring Kerry for Path

I had what felt upon waking as a long but largely irretrievable dream. I lay in bed a full hour upon waking, keeping my eyes closed and body still, to see if the dream would float up in a more continuous and complete form. It never did. It remained a dream that was sliced up into numerous shards and then put in a blender so that none of the pieces could be laid out in sequence for a cohesive narrative.

All I can retrieve is that I am in a vacation house with Kerry, maybe a beach house. It has a big walk-in closet with louvered doors. The louvers are clear and consistent. I am sitting in meditation and begin praying that my guides or buddhas descend and “fix” Kerry so that he will live a life of virtue, service, and path-seeking.

Immediately, numerous happenings ensue, cut up and scrambled events. Two guides suddenly visit us in that closet. Kerry is sitting in the middle of the dark closet, on the floor, not awake and not animated. These two guides are formless, but definitely there. They are psychically “asking” me, without words, if I am sure I want to intervene this way in Kerry’s absolute freedom.

I am suddenly concerned why these beings would be asking this if there were not some heavy risk involved. So I think carefully about my request, wondering if it is too manipulative of someone else’s life (Kerry’s). In the end, though, I decide the request is wholesome. I give these two beings the go-ahead. Then, rapidly, Kerry himself, his being and not his body, is shredding into ribbons. The two beings rearrange the ribbons that make up Kerry and then reconstitute him. This is both awe-inspiring and frightening. It is clear that I am morally responsible for interference that is a heavy shift in constitution of my son’s being and will.

These two formless beings, like aliens from an alien abduction, then similarly cut up the dream so that all I have are these shards, fragments, not anything like the whole true story. They are formless, powerful, and neutral. They may be the same two formless beings that visited me last month and taught me, without words, how to transform things in dreams.

June 16: Lucid Car Crash and Recall of Prior Dreams in the Dream

About 3 hours into first sleep, I had a short dream I was driving my red Honda to a T-shaped intersection.


I am driving up to the perpendicular short stroke of the T, on the long vertical stroke, so to speak. I am on an elevated road in some sort of western state, maybe Colorado. When I reach the intersection, I stop my car. I see four cars smashed up, totaled, with human bodies thrown around. Prominent is a purple car that is smashed up and almost flattened. It is in the middle of the intersection. I think that the occupants must surely be dead. All is eerily silent and still.

There is a black car ahead of me, also damaged, and another black car on the left short stroke, also showing front-end damage. To my right and ahead of me, there is a black car stopped parallel to mine. The back seat has been ripped out the back. I can see that a man in a dark suit, in his thirties, has been thrown into a heap.

I exit my car and find myself lucid in the dream. The purple color of the totaled car in the middle of the intersection triggers the lucidity: It is the color of a butterfly in a significant lucid dream I had months ago. I remember this prior lucid dream about the butterfly: how I made it huge, purple, and content to fly to and rest in my open palm.

I also look at my red car, a dream sign in my dreams. Lastly, I notice that the geometry of a four-car crash involving these cars is impossible: The cars are not even touching each other, and the damage to each car doesn’t line up with the damage on any of the other cars.

I recognize that this is a “test dream,” another one surrounding my longstanding phobia about driving on highways and out of town. I also start recalling the dream (or whatever it was) of the two formless entities who performed a shamanic dismemberment-reconstitution of Kerry’s being. Not only am I lucid in this current dream, but I’m remembering earlier lucid and test dreams, and am contemplating current action in light of them.

I pull my cell phone out of my pants pocket to call 911. However, I stop dialing because I hear sirens already approaching. I do wonder who called 911, as there is no one else breathing at the scene. I wonder whether to pray to revive the dead, but I’m cautious because my prayer that Kerry enter the Path resulted in some creepy interactions with the formless beings. I feel defiant toward the formless ones, and I start saying Gautama’s Buddha’s mantra and praying not for revival, but for what is best for all beings’ evolution. Then I decide to wake up from this dream, and I do.


This dream marks for me a new level of dream lucidity. In it, I not only quickly realized it was a dream (alternative reality), and I not only controlled what was happening with some of my thoughts, but I had actual memory of several prior dreams and contemplated my current in-dream choices in light of choices I exercised in those prior “test” dreams and the consequences that followed. I cannot remember a single time in my life in which I remembered earlier dreams from within a current lucid dream!

Tom Campbell writes and often speaks of there being tests administered, often in dreams, to practitioners trying to access nonphysical matter reality (NPMR). The tests are administered to gauge fear and teach lessons so that the practitioner will correct his or her fear. In his model of enlightenment, all negative states are fear-based. Only those dreamers with low or no fear and high unconditional (not exchange-driven) love are permitted reliable, stable access to NPMR and what we think of as siddhis. The test dreams are also teachings.

My test dreams seem consistently to concern either my travel phobias, or my codependent urges to save others from their own hard knocks. DreamWalker raised concerns with me that I permitted shamanic dismemberment of my son Kerry on June 9 without his permission. The danger of this magical intent, if actualized, is immense, because actualization means depriving another (Kerry) of his own free will and consequence feedback loop for learning and growth.

I was concerned for about a day when discussing these matters with DW, but I think that the dream of Kerry was actually a test dream, a nonactualized simulation run as a training program on me, as it were. This current dream was retesting me on my impulse to “save” others from cross-life or intralife lessons they may need to learn on their own. It is not always best to try to “save” others from themselves. My notion of what is helpful ultimately may be wrong. This is what I must thoroughly learn to reduce my own virtue entropy and attain to unconditional, radically accepting, nonmeddling love. When one is is in an abusive codependent relationship, then love means refusing to be a doormat and leaving the entire situation behind as a high-entropy situation for all involved. I have indeed learned to take leave from these kinds of abusive relationships. This lesson forbidding abuse doesn’t apply to Kerry, however. What applies to Kerry is the need for unconditional love without messiah complex projections on my end.


Method last night was this: Before bed I was thinking about my abandoned bottle of Valerian root in the fridge. I went downstairs and looked at the dosage: 28 drops. That dosage, the one time I tried it, keep me awake and in mild hallucinations all night, which is why I abandoned it. I started considering that my reaction to Valerian confirmed that it induces lucid brightness, but just too much so. But since I need more memory power, I decided to microdose Valerian to see if I can find a dose that is a sweet spot. I put just 5 drops in water and drank it, skipping my usual herbal teas. I quickly became heavy with sleepiness and could barely get through my night practices.

But I did the bardo practices for Terri, invocation and chakra tantra with Salgye du Dalma (asking her especially for memory, protection, power, and guidance), and “I Am the Dreamer” audio at a louder volume.

I will continue the Valerian experiments to try to determine the reliability of its effects at a much lower dose than is recommended on the bottle. I’m very sensitive to drugs and substances. Normally I have to do much lower doses than other people for same effects.

Other Results

The nightly body vibrations remain stable. They tend to start at L1 and then spread throughout the body. It feels like a mobile phone ringing on vibrate setting. I remember no separation from body from last night. After the audio was over, I shut my phone off and fell into deep sleep till the dream occurred close to the 3-hour mark. I think I had some other dream in the second sleep, but It is almost completely irrecoverable. Kerry and I were discussing whether some work could be done in a 40-hour workweek and whether my Jhana Jenny posts were bad publicity. Kerry was saying he would clean up my site if I’d pay him and that he did not think I should change the content (ie, the publicity was good). That’s all I remember, and the visuals are largely absent from memory.

June 19: Dreams of New Beginnings and Suspect Spiritual In-Groups

Running a sleep debt because I had to get up early the day before, I took 7 drops of valerian root extract (low alcohol). The only dreams I recall were in the morning, disjointed, and mundane.


First I am in an open grass field in my wedding gown (with the figure that fit in that size 10 gown!). It is an afterparty at sunset, or maybe a reception for a renewal of wedding vows. I see my ex Wayne there and hope we might have a sweet time dancing together while reciting poetic lyrics at each other, as in days of yore. Others are starting to dance, and there are brass instruments playing. I am just slowly walking, dragging my candlelight-white taffeta train behind me, with regal posture and calculated grace.

There is at this point a dropout of dream memory.

I am dressed casually in a shopping mall. It is New Year’s Eve, nighttime. Kurt is with me at times; other times I’m alone. The mall is rather deserted. I wonder why we are choosing to spend the marking of a new beginning at this mall when I do not like the fake glamour confronted in mall shopping.

I enter one shop. It turns into a church. A spiritual leader is handing out liturgies for some of us to follow in a ritual. However, as Jesus multiplied fishes to feed a mass gathering, in this case the texts start vanishing until there is only a single copy, and it is in Tibetan. The leader comes to me in distress. I tell him I can find someone to translate the text, but the person needs to be trustworthy and not distort the truth. I tell him to beware of certain spiritual leaders and fear-mongering organized groups. I take the text for safekeeping and leave.

I go into a sweater shop and admire a blue-and-green sweater; however, it doesn’t fit me, and I don’t buy it.

Now I find myself in a darkened movie theatre in the mall. There are more people now at the mall, in the movie theatre. Kurt is beside me. We are watching a movie of a live New Year’s concert. I know the band playing but cannot think of the band’s name. The movie audience starts clapping and cheering over the music. Kurt says, “Who would have thought that so many people today would enjoy that old band so much!”


“To see or attend a wedding in your dream symbolizes a new beginning or transition in your current life. A wedding reflects your issues about commitment and independence. To wear a wedding dress in your dream indicates that you are evaluating and assessing your personal relationship.”

“To dream of the New Year signifies prosperity, hope, new beginnings and an opportunity to make a fresh start. It also represents the start of some new project or a fresh outlook in life. On a spiritual level, the New Year represents enlightenment or newfound understanding.”

“To dream that you are at the mall symbolizes the choices, decisions, and options you have in your waking life. These choices will help shape who you are as a person. You are trying to establish your sense of self, your role. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are trying to make a favorable impression. The mall is also symbolic of materialism and the need to keep up with the trends, fads. Consider the type and name of stores that you see in your dreams.”

Both dreams are about time-marking milestones during big transitions (wedding and new year). In the shopping mall dream, there is a contrast between the old Tibetan text that I secured to have authentically translated, and the faddish clothing that didn’t fit me. The message here seems to be about rejecting certain postmodern fear-mongering cults as inauthentic fads that do not fit me.

“To dream that you are watching a movie suggests that you are watching life pass you by. Perhaps you are living vicariously through the actions and decisions of others. Consider also how the movie parallels to situations in your waking life. Observe how the movie characters relate to you.”

The movie characters were simply a band playing uplifting music. In the wedding dress section of the dream, there was a live band; here the band is merely projected and from the 1990s. Not sure what this means, but the mall dream was also concerned about clothes (fads, outer identity), and my wedding dress, like the bands playing, were old (original).

Overall, this dream is expressing my current issues concerning independence and self-determination of what I consider an authentic path of spiritual growth and my role as a spiritual teacher, over against suspicious current fads and fashions.

I was watching Twin Peaks last night and noticing Lucy’s ornate sweater. So that is where the sweater metaphor came from.

June 21: Contemplation of Immature Intent-Wielding

I had an intense bardo practice for Teresa, followed by “just sitting” with subtle inclination toward formlessness absorption, followed by “I Am the Dreamer” in bed. The only jhana I’m inclining toward is j7, Nothingness, because j7 aligns with complete absorption into the central channel, which is a portal to NPMR. My body felt like mere fragmented fill patterning, not of surface and contour, but through and through. Then body was gone. I was tired and practice was short. I think I’ll build on this foundation. I was surprised to find that, even though I haven’t done this kind of meditation in years, my mastery of it has progressed behind the scenes anyway.

In bed I noticed that my intentions toward dream, astral, or NPMR access are, when I examine them closely, shaky and indecisive. Without clear, strong intent, says everyone on psi, it won’t happen. Or it will happen with diffuse results and won’t be recalled afterward. The test dreams that I’ve failed make me hesitant about intending anything. But I guess this caution is just a working-through bump, not a persistent fear obstacle. I must coherently focus what I intend, once I figure out what that is, or it will fall apart before even launching. Meantime, I think it best to literally do nothing, or very little, on the Path of Knowledge (POK) end. This is a calculated “giving up,” a waiting for fullness and clarity.

I did experience the intense vibrations and some flashes of going “out” and flashes of Tom Campbell as present. But this outing was super-fast and largely beyond recall after the “sandbox” juncture-point. I had 5 or so instances while listening to “I Am the Dreamer,” of reaching for things, especially my cell phone, and realizing only after I had it in hand that neither it nor my “hand” was my PMR reality. As soon as I realized the nonphysicality, even the subtle form would evaporate and I’d wake up a bit to being in bed and hearing the audio again. Apparently, my mind is not yet “getting it,” but stabilization takes time. I’m being shown how “real,” meaning physical, the less dense nonphysical matter can seem.

June 21: Weird Flashes and Learning in Hypnagogia during a Nap

I just arose from lying down for about an hour. I was weaving in and out of consciousness, I guess, never really entered good sleep. (I’ve nearly lost the capacity to ever nap.) Quickly, my body began vibrating intensely, and I just relaxed. Suddenly there was a series of flash narratives that don’t make much sense:

  1. I am wondering about Tom Campbell, whether he really did visit me that time, and suddenly a bright symbol appears: Bright green arrangement of square outlines into a cross or hopscotch formation. The green is like the green command line DOS of the 1980s. This startles me into full waking.
  2. I am at Cape Hatteras at Sunset. The breeze is blowing. The sunset is gorgeous pink. I hear Tom Campbell’s voice trying to explain to me the difference between meddling in someone else’s learning and truly helping the person evolve. He seems to be saying that I should try PMR solutions before practicing magick on others. But then he is explaining that intent is being sent all the time nonetheless, manipulating others, so I should attend to my (magickal) intentions. This seems confusing and contradictory to me. I don’t catch in words all he is transmitting. I wake up again and ask him to repeat what he said. But I’m awake, so he doesn’t.
  3. I see a human pilot flying a plane. Suddenly, in a parallel reality, I see an in-game cartoon animation that looks a lot like Speed Racer guy, flying a craft. I understand that I’m really always inside a computer game that is a superset of the PMR game.
  4. I’m at work and certain people who have been unusually crazy and toxic for the past couple of weeks are seen to be hollow shells, maybe possessed automatons or tulpas. I see right through them and others, and I can tell who is a possessed shell and who isn’t. Suddenly I see a scarab beetle. I pick it up and the zombie workers each fall forward and burst into flames.

Not a very restful nap.

June 23: Seeing through Eyelids and Hypnagogic Flashes of Boxers

I have been taking Valerian every night. It makes me drowsy and itchy. I’ve not noticed a repeat of the lucidity in correlation. I’m taking about 15 drops an hour before bedtime. Last night I did the bardo pointing-out, only about 10 minutes of “just sitting,” and only about 10 or 15 minutes of candle flame gazing. I was too tired to work up to j7 and cc absorption. I tried telepathically communicating an object to Andrew, first by connecting with him from heart center, then third eye, and then throat chakra. I then “pushed” the size, shape, color, and scent of the intended object, a coniferous pine-smelling tree such as grows in the Northwest. While formulating this image, I thought of a squared hedge at first. Andrew the next morning reported visions of a long, tall hedge. No conifer, but hey, something!

In bed, I listened to “I Am the Dreamer.” The vibrations started up and lasted the duration. I cut in and out of hearing the audio. I noticed early, before I had any sense of cutting out of hearing the audio, that I was seeing through my closed eyelids. I even reached up to confirm that my eyelids were completely closed. (They were.) I could see the entire room in the dark: my bedposts, the faintly illuminated windows, the alarm clock, and so forth. Looking at the ceiling, I found that I could see through the ceiling to constellations of stars, some of which changed to white tigles.

I was focused on reality testing, on whether I were “really” seeing what I “thought” I was seeing. I was indeed seeing through my eyelids as clearly as if I had my physical eyes open. However, the stars didn’t look realistic. They were more like special effects in a movie. The stars were a kind of matrix background. The fact that some of them changed back and forth from stars into tigles suggested to me that the nonphysicality or not-out-there-ness of vision was being stressed by whatever or whoever is apparently teaching me.

Next I entered the side of hypnagogia that is closer to dreaming—the high-res flashing of seeing-in visions. A main one was the sight of two men in a boxing ring, with gloves on, punching each other in the head. I have an aversion to watching boxing or violent sports in the Waking, so it was hard to watch this. It didn’t last long but was vivid. This may have been triggered by Andrew’s recent test dream. In it, two guides showed up and started punching him in the face repeatedly to make him courageous in the face of physical pain. In that dream Andrew suffered a busted lip, which remained in a subsequent dream the same night! These formless teaching thugs are really something! And they travel in pairs, like Jehova’s Witnesses!

An aside—I’ve been watching Twin Peaks: The Return. I’m a huge fan of David Lynch, but, of course, he comes up with the most disturbing visual sequences imaginable. Last night’s surreal sequences involved some spawning of evil into the world during test atomic explosions in the New Mexico desert of 1945. Demons were born from the fallout, and there was a graphic scene of a demon crushing a woman’s skull and then a man’s skull till their brains squirted out. Normally, I cringe and look away, but I remembered that Andrew mentioned that J mentioned that watching horror movies can be good emptiness practice. So I rested into the emptiness of these horrific sequences, which is indeed challenging. Maybe this is behind my seeing through closed eyelids to galaxies and tigle: what’s “real” anyway? Many of my dreams the past few months have been showing me that death is a PMR rule-set constraint, ultimately an illusion brought about to make us more efficient in learning from the current lifetime.

June 23: Multiplying My Consciousness Channels while Lying Down

I took some gabapentin, NSAID, and muscle relaxer and went to lie down with my sick headache in my bed after watching 1.5 hours of Tom Campbell’s BATGAP interview. I was listening to “I Am the Dreamer” and lying on a heating pad. Very soon, the vibrations began, even though I was not even in hypnagogia that I could tell. I was relaxing and just letting go of the very difference between being in pain and being free of pain.

I was thinking about the vibrations and wondering what they could be. I began to understand from some deep place that they are a feeling-sense-sphere version of togal visions. Both are simply, as Campbell would put it, data streams that, interestingly, are loudly announcing their ontological status as only data. In fact, I think that the vibrations and the visions are basically virtual training programs. These training programs exist to put on explicit display liminality, the state of being “between,” or rather straddled over, two reality frames at once: PMR and NPMR.

My path is unfolding exactly as it “should” be. There is no reason for me to be angry at the lineage, as I explicitly have been for months. There is no reason to concern myself with whether I finish the most esoteric path before my body dies. What matters is the equanimity, love, and compassion with which I meet x. That’s it.

Anyway, I’m lying there and suddenly I realize (become lucid to the fact from a metalevel) that I’m in an interview for a job. I wonder whether this is precognition of a future that will be actualized, or whether this is some random possibility generator. I’m not attending to the content of what is said in the interview. I’m more interested in identifying what state I’m in. Am I dreaming? Am I awake? Am I daydreaming?

While the interview continues, I start reality checking my state. I’m not hearing “I Am the Dreamer,” but I can tune into it if I choose to. I notice that my body is no longer vibrating. Instead, it is gone, migraine and all! How can I know I’m in bed and feel located there but have no body? And how can I be having a job interview, be reality checking, and be moving in and out of awareness of the FLAC file all simultaneously? I can only conclude that maybe this is what Campbell means when he says you do not need to project another body or be sleeping to “travel.” He says it is more like ability to change channels. That description fits this meta-experience.

From this experience of being “in” several scenarios at the same time, I also understand that all humans can do this and may actually do this but simply lack the metalevel that knows and remembers this multi-channel liminality. I think that metacognition of what is already happening is what is meant by “access to NPMR.” I think part of me is “waking up” on the Path of Knowledge. Time will tell.

Interestingly, when I resumed listening to Campbell’s interview, he was saying that fear is the basis of all reactivity, period, and that once love becomes the intent at the level of Being, then traditionalists will label that experience something like agencylessness. In actuality, we never lose agency, says Campbell. The “decision space” has simply expanded, and the “decision” to be love is made at the level of “who you are” and not at the level of intellectual wagering. Intellectual wagering, wherein you feel good about yourself for choosing love or being helpful, is not love. Love is without such contemplation of how ego will benefit from love and compassion. Love is 100% unconditional, or it is not love at all.

Campbell talks at this point in the interview about how we normally locate the Fear that motivates all negativity, which means most of our reactions all day long, in the subconscious. Then he makes this radical statement after explaining that fear-motivations come from the subconscious: “Once you have a larger consciousness, a larger decision space, then the subconscious disappears.” If taken literally, as I think it is meant to be taken, then being love eradicates dreaming. This eradication of dreaming matches what the buddhist, especially Dzogchen, texts mention as marking progress on the the ultimate path to buddhahood: the Path of Togal Visions. Buddhas do not dream.

The dividing line between sleep and nonsleep is being eroded, perforated, and the vibrations are the transition or interference patterns between separate “channels” or data streams. People who become expert at “traveling” eventually stop experiencing the vibrations as their experience space, or decision space, expands to include several former reality frames at once, naturally. This is the same thing as the disappearance of the subconscious. The disappearance of the subconscious eradicates fear and opens love. So this is how the Path of Knowledge, which enlarges the perspective, connects with the Path of Service. This is also, I believe, how the Togal visions eventually disappear, never to arise again, together with a separate state of dreaming.

June 24: Incubated Dreams: Boundaries in the Workplace and Wolbe

Before I fell asleep, I tried to form a single intention for what I wanted to learn. I was divided between asking how my job situation might change and asking what I need to learn to finish my main, laid aside esoteric path.

In response to the first query, I dreamed I was in my office, finishing work on the 607-page book I’m trying to finish. In the dream, I fell asleep at my desk, only to wake up when my boss IM’d me, “Doesn’t it feel good to be almost finished with this book? Great work, Jenny!” I hit the “Ignore” option and didn’t respond to her. I rose to go make some hot tea. In the hall a stranger asked me why Emily’s door was no longer fake wood but transparent glass. I said I had no idea, maybe she was trying to seem transparent. Then I started examining all the office doors down my office hallway. I noticed that they were all rotten, splintered, and chewed on by something like a rat.

In the second dream, I was given one word, in writing. I thought maybe it was a mantra. It was “Wolbe.” I did a Google search, and Rabbi Wolbe was an orthodox jewish rabbi who wrote two volumes on conduct, ethics, and virtue on the path to perfection. He states that a virtuous person keeps a strict schedule, is meticulously organized, rejects secularism, and learns virtue by observing closely all beings and objects in the world as teachers. 

With regard to my queries, the first dream is presenting a scenario in which I’m bored and disengaged. The disintegrating doors are warning me about disintegrating energetic boundaries and invasion by others at work. Emily’s glass door seems like the future we are all facing at work: increased scrutiny and lack of privacy. The only solution this dream seemed to present was reinforcement of my boundaries against others in that environment. Implicitly, the dream is saying this environment will only increasingly disintegrate.

I don’t know what to make of the second dream. I hope I’m not being told to read a tome on orthodox Jewish ethics! When I run searches on Wolbe, the main passages that come up are about the cultivation of patience and elimination of feelings of time-pressure. Since 2015 I have been very aware of the remaining obscuration of time-pressure. I worry that I will die before I finish the path, die before I get this book written, and so on. I also feel time-pressure at work and mentally flee to a desire to escape that job and escape mundane career altogether. Wolbe has a formal kabbalah method for cultivating patience. Impatience is a specific type of time-scarcity-related fear and and responsive annoyance.

I have nearly 100% success with dream incubation, always have since I first tried it in 2015. I guess I should use it more frequently and figure out how to expand its possibilities for querying the kosmic database and receiving answers from NPMR.

June 26: Lucidly Unable to Tell Sleeping from Waking (Again)

I came home right after work, exhausted. I ate and lay down for 3 hours, at first listening to “I Am the Dreamer.” I am fairly certain of my status of “sleeping” and “dreaming” for only the second 1.5 hours. During the first 1.5 hours, I kept experiencing bodily vibrations and visions of talking with Vicki and Cecilia at RTI. Even the visions of them where “vibrating.”

Finally, I formulated a query of the state and asked what all the vibrating was about. I received an answer. I think it came through Vicki, but not from Vicki. She said to me, “Vibration is a probability distribution.” She continued: “You are not for sure asleep, and not for sure awake; when you observe and decide, then retroactively it will have been one or the other.” I thought this answer very strange and indicative of Tom Campbell’s manner of explanation. I kept bouncing in and out of state, which I found jolting, and mildly depressive-anxious in feeling-tone. When I finally got to sleep in earnest, in the dream I noticed how comforting the total immersion into escape was, my recognition of just this fact notwithstanding.

I’m getting a feeling of resistance to my efforts to gain an interview. Part of it is that I feel uncertain how much spellcasting is helpful, as opposed to “meddling,” although it is with myself I’m “meddling.” Not sure what form intent should take. I am open to discussion of this issue. Apparently, my intention-wielding is weak because I’m unsure what I want, even when it comes to what I think I’ve formerly been clear about wanting. I’m ambivalent at a deeper level than I’ve ever noticed before this month. I know from my time studying with Daniel, that ambivalence is disastrous in casting for results. 

June 28: More State Ambiguity and Lessons from Tom Campbell

Interestingly, I continue to experience stretches of time at night wherein I’m lucid but not quite sure after reality checking whether I’m dreaming, in hypnagogia, or awake. The state I find myself in has characteristics of all three states. If I’m actually in some sleep stage during these episodes, which is likely the case, then my lucidity is sufficiently strong that I’m cutting through the dream-like quality of the dream. The states lately are all “cut up” and rapid flashes, so any narrative is something I’m constructing from scrambled scraps in the morning. However, this also seems to be a new level of clarity, because it is what we really do all or most the time: take the scraps of our dreams and rearrange them and fill in for narrative sense. The rapid flashing reminds me of hypnagogia, of course—the end that is closer to dreaming.

Current Theory and A Fresh Clear Goal

I’m in heavy contemplation much of the time now of the sense that I can easily “let go” of my somatic body sense to “travel,” whereas vision as the instrumentation marking off Space is fucking difficult to let go of. This is something Buddhist and Togal texts actually do address: Subtle duality remains, even for those with realization, for the sense of sight.

Sight is the sense sphere that the Dzogchenpas associate with the Mother/matrix (kunzhi) aspect Space. Togal visions arise  and retreat to eradicate some remaining subtle out-there-ness in (PMR) vision. Now I know what is meant by all these texts, because in “traveling” or other psi adventures, I can close my eyes, and without even sleeping or entering hypnagogia, feel that I’m out of my body or no-body, which is not that surprising, because since stream entry, or shortly thereafter, I have had access to the formless jhanas.

But, if I’m awake, then I cannot open my physical eyes and see through the illusoriness of Space. On the contrary, I “see” distance between objects, and between my general point-of-view location and theirs, despite nondual sight-consciousness (what Daniel usually means by the attainment “luminosity”). There is subtle belief in Space as “real” and therefore inherent distance, unsolvable difference, and impenetrable matter. Now, conversely, if I fall asleep, enter hypnagogia, or relax meditatively in bed, I can open my nonphysical eyes, seeing through my closed physical eyelids, and then there is perfect coherency with the body’s being gone from the coarse body in bed (being, in other words, in NPMR). In fact, what the body feels in astral, the nonphysical eyes see.

It is important to understand that NPMR includes and pervades, as opposed to transcends, the subset PMR, which is governed by a rule set that makes us believe we really exist in spacetime. “NPMR” is therefore the maximally enlarged reality Tom Campbell means for us to open. It is only subsetted PMR, the constrained rule set of the unenlightened, that harbors some distorting hardening-off of the visual object or field. This hardening has to be softened, and NPMR is the perfect learning lab within which to practice softening.

Campbell mentions in an interview that, for novices, sleep and dreaming are often associated with traveling because “letting go” of the physical (PMR) senses is difficult except when one is falling asleep. Sleep, however, is unnecessary and nonoptimal for “traveling.” Even meditation is unnecessary after a while, although deep concentration is usually necessary at first. Deep concentration means (1) stilling the mind to nonconceptuality, yet (2) forming strong specific intent about what one wants to do, where, with whom, and why. Again, the ultimate goal is for dreaming and meditation, as special states, to cease. These requirements are in fact part of the definition of buddhahood.

In that interview, Campbell gives more specifics—do’s and don’ts—about OBE traveling than he seems to in My Big TOE. The interviewer asks him, for example, how, since the data in NPMR is “untagged,” one can know whether an entity that is encountered is a “real” entity or the dreamer/traveler’s projection. Campbell says this is a good question, because it is true that the whole AUM consciousness system is ultimately generating the data, and the data is indeed “untagged.” He says that for novices it is very difficult or impossible to know, that it takes a lot of practice and a lot of time spent in NPMR before one gains a strong sense of the difference between projected imagination and other beings. He does provide this helpful clue, though: If the entity is a real being, that you make contact with and learn from, then that entity will be accessible again merely by your thinking about that entity and intending renewed contact.

One reason that it is crucial to be fearless before entering NPMR is that fear projects monsters. True, entities with bad intent do exist in NPMR subrealities, but they are almost wholly confined to fringe, nearly lawless reality systems that Campbell mostly avoids. These loose-rule-set systems are chaotic and rough; it is extremely rare for a being to be destroyed in NPMR, but it can happen sometimes in these harsh environments, although even there true destruction of a being is rare. Meanwhile, the AUM itself is love. There is nothing ultimately to fear. People who project fear about other beings in NPRM (astral or other planes) will encounter those beings precisely because they are generating the monster data and then freaking out in reaction. Beware of teachers and spiritual groups that rely on scare tactics while passing the plate or signing you up for their lessons. 

Persons fearful of other beings in NPMR should stay home in PMR. They are increasing their own entropy instead of raising their consciousness every time they make it out. In Campbell’s model, all personal choices, which are what matter, come down to Fear versus Love. Fear accounts for the many unenlightened astral traveling texts and websites that warn everyone of risks of being raped or infected with schizophrenia in astral realms. Campbell says all this widely published fear is nonsense. I agree. I do recommend, for efficiency, that people take the Path of Surrender as far as they can in PMR before entering into the Path of Knowledge. Fear, however, has no place or benefit in any of this.

Incubated Lucid Dream of Somantic-and-Sight-Sense Integration in NPMR

Last night, thinking about my initial contacts with Dream Tom and my problem of incoherence between traveling body and traveling vision, I relaxed deeply in bed and formed the intent to reach Tom again in NPMR. My motivation was to receive confirming and clarifying lessons on my subtle problem with vision.

Lo and behold, Tom appeared! Moreover, he was with me in a college classroom setting with a long black pointer that he was pointing at the blackboard, on which appeared numerous symbols and equations I couldn’t understand. There were many flashes and more “learning without words.”

At one point a sequence happened that was exceptionally clear and reminded me of the time that I reached out with astral fingers and plucked a tigle figure from the visual field to find that it was coherent with feeling and not just sight.

This time, I was telling Tom I had a migraine, which I actually did before going to bed. Two yellow elliptical pills suddenly appear in midspace between Tom and me. He says to reach out and take them. I reach out and am surprised how solid the tablets are in my fingers. I bring them to mouth and swallow. As soon as I do, the sequence replays, from the beginning. Tom says to reach out and take the yellow pills. This time, I can see them, but it is as if I have no stably embodied line-of-sight perspective from which to grab them with my fingers in midspace. My phantom hands and fingers could grab, if my phantom sight were integrated with the  direction and coordinates of the pills and with a stable perspective embodied opposite the pills. I cannot manage to grab the pills this time.

Tom was showing me, through rerun simulations, that the feeling-body as a hologram needs to be coherent with seeing, such that I know with zero doubt that seeing space and matter is an illusory experience and therefore poses no barrier even in PMR: Bilocation is possible; passing through dense matter is possible. Moreover, some remaining subtle boundary between feeling and seeing must collapse for a consistent rule set to usefully organize the data in both PMR and NPMR: Sense-sphere integration is useful in the nonphysical; sense-sphere permeability is useful in the physical. The first supports astral traveling in NPMR; the latter supports bilocation, psychokinesis, and the like in PMR. Ultimately, seeing-in must be realized as seeing-out in both NPMR and PMR reality sets.

This lesson delivered experiential confirmation of what challenges must be overcome.

“It’s all data,” says Tom Campbell. What he is referring to is the realization of emptiness, through and through. And I believe this is why someone who has finished third vision is said to be able to pass through matter and have all the lower siddhis. This is my working hypothesis.

This concludes June 2018.

When you turn the lights down low

Lemon color, honey glow

You feel it coming right through you

The color of your mind

You feel it coming right through you

It’s on the other side

Dream Shopping with Hypnapompic Psychic Event

This post is a somewhat cobbled together and edited few scraps from my private space with friends. It is beyond my energy and inclination to detail the complex web of nexuses and multilateral associations that have been my spiritual fare over the past 9 months. Purity is silence.

I will say just this: My main practice in Dzogchen progressed rapidly for the first year (June 4, 2016, to the end of May 2017). Then the outward signs of both its progress and egress were suspended. The inward psycho-emotional transformation has been nevertheless phenomenal.

I’m in what is known as dharmakaya release. This is the post-awakening gradual self-arising and self-liberation of all karmic traces from all lives, current and past. It becomes tricky, like the ultimate Myst puzzle, because the approach is closer and closer to my deepest, earliest traumas and therefore obscurations of the clear light, our true and deathless state. Much refinement of the trauma narrative happens as the release continues. But as my friend Barry says, those are, in the end, also just narratives. For all of us, they all reduce to fear of death. This post is at the nexus of dream yoga, the release of and from Patriarchy, and practices transforming for me the meaning of death.

Concerning tragic death, my son’s close friend died suddenly and unexpectedly in February. The death had a tremendous impact on me. I began having a nightmare that repeated itself three times over several nights, and I’m not prone to having nightmares. In it, I was looking down at him, as one would look down at a baby in his crib, gazing on him in his open casket.  I was realizing gradually that I was actually his mother and he was dead. The loss I felt was unbearable. Anguish, terror, and rejection shot through all of reality, like an earth shattering scream, like a jolt of black lightning. Then . . . gradually a blindingly bright white light shone into the scene out the corner of my left eye. The light then filled my bedroom, where I realized I was sleeping. The light woke me from the nightmare.

After the third repetition of this dream, and some key support and exchange with my teacher, I had a dream of Vasily, another young man, a longtime dharma friend from the Dharma Underground. He was driving me in my car, and we were laughing with hair blowing around in the wind from the open windows. This dream was affirming life.

The rest of this post documents a remarkable dream a couple of days ago, and an even more remarkable psychic event the morning after.

Directional Confusion in the Dharmakaya Release

Another month has passed. I feel that I have too many dharma practice irons in the fire and keep vacillating from one to another, doing none of them with full, enduring commitment. I could easily commit to one practice, or no practice, but I don’t know how to know which option to choose.

I went through months and months of lucid dreaming and even clear light in deep sleep many nights out of the week, but with the suspension of my main esoteric practice’s results, this too was suspended. Now I am experiencing dharma goal overwhelm, frankly, paired with not knowing how to move forward on any of objectives shifting in the shallows. I think that is why I’ve been so focused lately on finishing the posting out to Jhana Jenny the rest of my old journal: That is something that is a straightforward task, and I know how to do it. J  seems to think I should do nothing. The work is emotional, and it is doing itself. I have been gravitating toward doing deep devotional and compassion practices. I’ve been trying to lead Kory through whatever bardo he may be in.

I can see where and when my remaining obscurations are—boundaries between sleeping and waking. Not practicing something feels counter-intuitive, even if it is just a supplication practice, which really is what I’m practicing. But for many weeks, I did virtually stop practicing because I was getting sick and tired of “dharma,” feeling it to be an artificial device at this point that separates me from life and even from genuine humility and humanness.

J says that what I’m really tasked with doing now is letting go of “patriarchy,” his word. It may seem that I’m getting far afield here from dream and sleep practice, but it is all one topic. My hypnogogic states are awake and wild, generally for 90 minutes after I lie down. But as I slip into sleep proper, right at that perceived boundary, there is often a sharp flash of terror. Then in the morning, as soon as I open my eyes, there is a feeling of clinical depression, which I used to suffer from. It is stultifying enough not to know how to work with these boundaries, but it is even more puzzling to consider that nondoing of all practice may indeed actually be the practice available and effective.

And there is no teacher or guide to help me solve it, as teacherlessness is itself the patriarchy test. Even though I still have little surges of impatience, overall for the past year a substratum of just simple patience is setting in. I started studying death practices because I’m gradually accepting that I may die before finishing the path to buddhahood, so I’m treating that as a real possibility, because it is.

I was telling Barry that I had refined my narratives of what my chief obscurations were, and he said at one point something like “those are still just narratives” and “the obscuration for all of us is fear of death.”

I spent hours last night on the cushion with tears streaming after the practices for Kory. I felt deeply what it was to wish for someone else’s liberation and that extended to everyone. It is a deepening of the Bodhisattva motivation naturally. When spaciousness first opens, it is like water let out of a silo into a surrounding lake: there is a new equilibrium of inside/outside. That is this but on a different pathway, heart pathway, as J says.

Tantric Bardos Practices: Smoke and Sparks A-Flying

I’ll describe the sit fully in my regular journal, but several details are germane to the dream I just had. One is that I did a heartfelt practice to guide Kory through the bardo toward a good human rebirth. One is that at one point in the practice, when I was invoking Salgye du Dalma, the space became visually filled with “smoke,” then with darting tiny lights like fast fireflies, and then with a central flame-like flickering light. (This same sequence happened the night before during practice, but I dismissed it as a fluke.) I absorbed the goddess Salgye du Dalma down into my crown chakra and let her descend the chakras. The energy was shockingly intense in third eye, throat, and heart. It stayed in the heart, not descending further for whatever reason.

The other detail is that I wrote out a dream incubation. The spell was to evoke some teacher or teachers to appear within the next three nights’ dreams and point out to me, via signs, how I can bring and stabilize rigpa into sleep and what, in general, I should be doing with my practice now. And immediately came the dream.

Dream of Sleepers in the Holding Environment

I, and sometimes Kurt and I, are traveling to look for a place to retire. I’m keen on retiring so that I can devote my daily life to writing and to dharma. Kurt drives us up the same hill that was in my recent dream about Vasily–the same hill Vasily drove me up, seemingly in Chatham County. I enter a duplex, or townhouse apartment. There are two presumably widowed men living there as roommates. They each have a baby boy about a year old. One of the babies is conked out on the floor, sleeping, and I start to wonder why the baby isn’t in his crib. One of the fathers is holding the other boy, who is starting to fall asleep.

One of the fathers sits in a recliner katy-corner to the couch where I sit talking to the other father. I ask this other father if there is space to rent on the other side of the duplex, but he seemingly cannot focus on me, or doesn’t care about my presence there in the least. He, too, is beginning to fall asleep in sitting position with his sleeping boy held in his arms.

I rise and decide to look around by myself. I open a door past the couch and enter another room. It is filled with smoke and darting lights like fireflies. I remember that I’ve seen these while meditating, but I do not at this time reach lucidity. Then the room becomes the night sky, and the fireflies become white tigles and then stars and galaxies. Again, this reminds me of . . . something about meditating, but I’m busy shopping for retirement, so I back out of the room and close that door.

Suddenly, Kurt and I are in a suburb of Atlanta (where Kory lived and died). We’ve always thought about moving to Atlanta since it is more of real city than Raleigh. We meet a young, pretty dark-haired woman who is going to show us a condo. We begin walking through the lobby of the high-rise, and everyone I pass falls to the carpet and begins sleeping. I think this is strange, and it seems like the pattern is trying to tell me something, but I cannot quite make out what. We continue on, but then I wake up in my bed.

When I woke up in my bedroom, I did not open my eyes. Nor did I try to remember this dream, which floated up as memory only after I came downstairs for coffee. Instead, lying there with my eyes closed, I suddenly felt an intense imperative to guess what time was on my alarm clock across the room. In my mind, still with eyes closed, I saw the red alarm clock numbers: 1:11. I knew with absolutely certainty that it was 1:11. I sat up, opened my eyes, and saw that my alarm clock read 1:11.

Dream Evaluation: Wakeup Call (Literally)

This dream is as much about death as it is about sleep. I had been providing a loving holding environment for Kory in the bardo practice I was doing before I slept. In the dream, the fathers are doing a half-assed job of holding their boys because they themselves are prone to sleeping through daily life. I eventually traveled to Atlanta, where Kory died and where, it so happens, I was born. I have been thinking a lot about my wish to retire, the lifetime that is running out, and how my fear of death is the same barrier as my fear of sleep, which triggers my staying up too late and, after 90-minute lucid hypnagogia, experiencing a flash of terror as I fall into sleep proper. That everyone was dropping to the ground and into sleep in the midst of life was a dream sign that was like death and was trying to wake me up in the dream. The room that turned into visions and then outer space was the dharmakaya of all bardos.

With regard to my dream incubation, the teaching is just a confirmation that I’m making the connections between childhood, death, bardo, and dream lucidity that I should be making. The people’s dropping in their tracks and sleeping was a pointing out. It may have been a dream sign to wake up in the dream, which I failed to do completely. It could be a warning that death comes suddenly in the midst of life. Or it could be a commentary that almost everyone I encounter is asleep instead of awakened, and I need to be awake all the time, even when my body is sleeping.

I just went to Father Google to search for any meaning of 1:11. Here is the first thing that popped:

1:11 or 11:11 is certainly a magical sign. In fact, The Magician card is number 1 in the major arcana of the tarot. When you see repeating 1s it’s like a wakeup call from the mystical realm. Look around and really pay attention to where you are. This is a cosmic confirmation that you’re moving in the right direction. There’s further to go as 1 is the first step, but you can be assured that you are on your path—and things will evolve so you won’t stop here.

Eleven is a master number in numerology, and connotes a spiritual path. It is a confirmation that you are a lightworker, here to uplift human consciousness and restore a sense of oneness and harmony to the world. You’re getting the thumbs up to just be yourself and let your light and magic shine.

I’m taking all this as the sign I incubated. The message is that, although I having been feeling “stuck” in my main practice and releasing my chief obscurations, I’m in fact on the right track. I need simply to relax, trust that the path itself is leading me correctly, and continue the current trajectory.

Postmortem with Andrew


That’s a hell of a dream and psychic event.


Yeah. I agree. The smoke and firefly lights wigged me out a bit because I remembered that those are signs of inner dissolution when someone is in the Painful Bardo of Dying.


Is that covered in Holecek’s book?


Yes! This has happened twice as I was invoking Salgye du Dalma, the Bonpo goddess of lucid sleep. Before I crawled into bed after practice, I started Googling like crazy on my phone to see if this meant I was gonna die soon.


Yeah . . . good question.


Then I paused to reflect that, even if that were the case, I had to be okay with that.




Anyway, then I finished Googling. It turns out that this inner dissolution is common in tantric practices. It signifies the dissolution of the Jenny identity to emptiness before becoming the deity.


Oh, now that’s interesting.


Isn’t, though? I had no idea! So it seems to me that the momentum of everything that has happened the past two practice-dream cycles is toward my continuing tantric sleep and death bardo practices while my other practice is held in suspense until something via this “sidetrack” is resolved. I asked for direction and incubated that request. This dream and 1:11 sign is the message that I’m receiving.


So, given that, how are you going to proceed practice-wise?


First, I’m definitely going to keep the holding environment for Kory going, as this is for him chiefly but is also helping me with my motherly fear of something horrible happening to Kerry. It is showing me that I can hold this being even though he has passed out of this life. So, as I’m actually experiencing the death of myself to enter the bardo to find him, I’m feeling and coming to certainty that there is continuity beyond this life. This practice will resolve something that needs to be resolved to stabilize lucidity in sleep and move forward in my Dzogchen practice..


Presumably for the duration of his bardo period? Which is 49 days?


Yes. He was taken off life support February 25. This is an opportunity for me to sit as the mother of all beings by entering into the death space and bringing love, reassurance, clarity, and guidance. I can feel that this is happening, as I volunteer 100% of my being to this end.


Is this a practice that came from Holecek’s book or something just inspired by it?


I have talked to friends of mine who suddenly died in much the same way as I’m talking with Kory, and in much the same way as I’m sending love to my friend Teresa’s hour of death in the future, because she has terminal cancer. I read the Tibetan Book of the Dead in the distant past and saw a movie about the 49 days of saying the script aloud to the person. But the Holecek book is comprehensive on all the available practices for the dead, from very simple to elaborate and so complex that only a monastic can do them. So I’m using a combination of practices from Holecek.

Here is what I’m doing:

  1. Thinking lovingly of him while reciting mantra om mani padme hum.
  2. Talking aloud to him to remind him that he has died and not to look back; to be calm and relaxed, to recognize that everything that he is encountering is just the expression of this own mind as in a dream; to slow down and not be distracted but tether his focus to my voice and words; to stay away from any dull alluring colored lights; to move toward the very bright lights even though they may seem too bright, to stay away from the yellow, red, and green lights and instead move toward the bright white or blue light; to choose human parents; to choose a continent with tall buildings and other signs of wealth; to know that if he fully recognizes all he is experiencing now as his own mind then he will be instantly liberated from all suffering.
  3. Practicing tonglen compassion practice wherein I breathe in Kory’s fear and confusion, and breathe out a line of white light I use to connect his disembodied mind to me and my guidance.
  4. Dedicate my practice to the liberation from suffering of all beings and currently especially Kory.

On Sunday evening I add another practice: heartfelt recitation of the King of Aspiration Prayer. This was recommended in Holecek for every week on the day of the week that the person died. Try reciting that aloud sometime and see if you don’t shed tears.

Holecek mentions that the dead person’s mind is 9 times stronger than in embodied life. He is clairvoyant and clairaudiant. They are psychic and can read your mind and heart, as well has hear your voice. The problem is that, for people who have never meditated, it is usually confusing and frightening to suddenly be in a formless state.

Out of confusion and fear, bardo beings get carried away by the visions and sounds in the state, and they basically make the state into a nightmare situation. So they may out of terror jump at the first parents that appear, which are likely not human. Or they may go into a dream cave or dream flower bud to hide from the terrifying visions. The texts say that beings can in this way become stuck in the bardo for eons, until some master volunteers and guides them out.


Thats really interesting. I’ve bought the book. Probably going to start reading it later today. Terrifying as well. Really motivates…


The other thing is that, although the being’s mind is powerful, it is unstable without a body. He keeps losing focus, which is why you have to talk to him over and over again and remind him how to keep calm and move steadily forward.

Yes, terrifying. but people who have in their lives meditated plenty know what it feels like to be formless. So meditators usually fare much better. Such is the dogma, anyway. Someone who has practiced Togal is said to avoid the bardo altogether and go, at the very least, to Amitabbha’s pure abode, where they will finish the path.


Well, we surely had some previous practice to end up where we are now.


It is pretty fascinating. It is also fascinating that most everyone around me has absolutely no idea about any of this or his or her own situation. So it is easy from that perspective to see that this life is itself a dream state.


Yeah, the sense of others being asleep is interesting.


That’s what was happening in my dream last night—everyone dropping into sleep, ignorance.

Anyway, I’m not going to focus on my Dzogchen practice so much right now. I feel that the path itself is showing me that dropping back to these tantric approaches will help me resolve some main obscuration in the bardos so that later my main practice can once again advance. Tantra is, from a Dzogchen view, dropping down into remediation. Where the chief obscuration is, remediation seems like overall optimization.


That makes sense.


Normally, I might doubt my intuition, but not when the signs are so clearly given upon dream incubation, with a psychic showstopper on waking up afterward. All this is reassuring and motivating. J’s latest interactions with me were all about Diamond Guidance awakening and replacing the teacher (patriarchy). He was saying that, where I am, the path itself will reveal itself to me. All I have to do is not argue. The “work” now is emotional, and doing it while not “doing” it is the supreme paradox.


That makes sense. There’s the perspective that all of this is ornamentation and its doing itself anyways. So you may as well let it play itself out.


Yeah. My being “stuck” is always a delusion. There is no “stuck” apart from taking it to be the case.

Dark red
Light years
Brought near
Cold gun
Night scene
Started remain
Brought fear

Cold wind
Light years
Brought near
Dark gun
Night scene

The world’s colliding
A new dividing
The color’s missing
Upon the dark spring

Aborted Travels, Earthbound Dreams



For reasons not fully known, I became interested in the past few days with the notion of astral traveling in the sense of outright out-of-body transportation like I experienced spontaneously when I was about 18 or 19, and like I experienced more profoundly during the stream entry event August 8, 2014. I was motivated by a vague feeling that the texts are not telling the full truth about my current practices, that I am missing a piece of information that I may need. Even so, as I prepared to experiment with astral travel, I felt this undertow of lazy disregard for doing much effortful work merely to fly.

Here in this post I’ll document what unfolded, although I’m redacting parts about my current formal practice, which is documented in a journal that remains private for now.

Powers-y Fun Back in the Dharma Underground Days

In contrast to my current, demotivating No Problem-ness, as DreamWalker calls it, back in the old Dharma Underground days, in our intimate little exclusive tree fort secreted below the Overground, we used to have the most fun experimenting and dreaming of the days when our “arahatship” would be “done” and our siddhis would stabilize. 

From my voluminous private correspondence with Daniel Ingram, moreover, it was evident to me that he was more excited over western magick, and any evidence of its results, than he was in furthering his own awakening, which he publicly states has “gone as far as awakening can go.” (Despite his public stance, in October 2015 he messaged me on Skype indication that he had privately and thousands of times taken Bodhisattva vows and didn’t know how to finish the work toward full enlightenment, meaning buddhahood.) I never believed in magick before I met Daniel. He was “out” about his interest in it and at least some of his results from it. That made it okay and even interesting for me to follow him into a magickal view of reality. Truly, the influence Daniel Ingram had on me in just one year was intense and life-altering.

After I experienced the Mahamudra awakening of July 29, 2015 (equal to MCTB Revised Fourth Path), I found, by contrast, that the prospect of siddhis motivated me enough to act with pointed intention only rarely, during intense flares of some oddly emergent A&P stage, which is the only cyclical insight stage I notice anymore. I’ve had some amazing psychic stuff open for me in the past, but, oddly, never from my worked up intent – only by accident, as documented in my blue Dharma by Dark Night journal, which, by the way, is my favorite journal, which I’ve been adding to over the past two weeks steadily.

Well, all powers were accidental unless my resolving hard for 3 months to attain nirodha samāpatti and then attaining it counts as successful intent.

The past 24 hours has shown that this pattern of accidental-only powers hasn’t changed. The post-awakening exceptions to this are some incubated dream experiences, some lucid dream-visions, and a new ability I seem to have to directly know other people’s minds and emotions (a power that turns on automatically, especially when someone is lying to me).

My current formal practice may be thought of as siddhi-related, although what is required seems almost anti-intent on my part.

I think that the lesson here regarding feats like astral traveling is that I’m simply not to pursue power on a separate track, as something that is “mine.” My path departs from Daniel’s specifically in this respect, among several others: I’m serious about cultivating conditions for buddhahood and what it requires or entails regarding surrender to the whole. I must leave everything alone and allow this awakening to proceed to buddhahood naturally. I return to resting into what naturally unfolds when I come home from work and have time and natural inclination to practice.

A Highlight from Last Night’s Practice

My first sit last night was in an Epsom salt bath, as usual, which I know sounds like a strange way to practice, but it has worked best for me over the past 6 months, and every night I’m called to it. I was preparing to draw my practice to a close when I thought about an astral travel video Kurt and I had watched the night before.

Now, pertinent here is that for a few weeks now I’ve been helping this young man I know, one of my son’s lifelong friends who grew up in our neighborhood, addressing some medical issues that no one seems to be helping him with. This guy is a follower of Steven Greer, the UFOlogist, and a follower of many other conspiracy theories. He meditates. He thinks he is a star seed and he follows some “ascension” practices. He says he personally has seen UFOs, and in particular told me about his once seeing a huge one in his back yard at night. It consisted of three white spherical lights in triangle formation.

So as I was sitting there in the bathtub, thinking I was missing some piece of information about my current practice and thinking that I should ask this young man for a link to traveling instructions, I suddenly saw in front of me three small white-light spheres in triangle formation! This happened the instant I thought this young man’s name.

Poor Concentration and Aborted Astral Travel Mission

After chatting a while with DreamWalker about traveling and shamanic soul retrieval, I decided to use what I was already good at as a platform for travaling: jhanas, especially formless realms. The plan was to ask for help in seeing what I need to know to aid me in practice and in writing a book to help others practice. Well, this session was terrible! My breath felt jerky, and no amount of adjusting it helped until I was about a frustrating hour into the sit, when I started deliberately taking very deep, slow in-breaths, and equally slow out-breaths.

Finally, I was calm, but then I had difficulty with the jhanas. I used to call them up and they would manifest on command. Not so now, and the more I tried to exert control, the worse the sit became. Finally, I decided to just drop all notions of jhana factors and getting anywhere. The sit still was less than stellar but I did get to some soft form of arupa jhana, either j5 or j6, though I’ve not been able to tell the difference between Boundless Space and Boundless Consciousness since second path, as documented in my blue journal. Maybe I can’t tell them apart because, ultimately, there is not any difference between space and awareness. Makes sense, yes? 

I never seem to get to j8 anymore, but I’m out of practice at that sort of thing and really have no insight to gain from it and no motivation to practice jhanas. J7 is an interesting state, but it takes quite a bit of wrenching intent for me to gain it anymore, and I’ve rarely tried. I didn’t see the point in trying last night. If I had had more time and no traveling goal, I think it would have been fruitful to simply watch the jhanas happen, without trying to call them up. But I’m short on time these days, and nights.

In fact, as the sit continued, I didn’t see much point in what I initially thought I was after. I was tense, and there was perhaps even some fear associated with traveling, but I’m not sure. I didn’t think I was afraid when I started. There was definitely a sensed undertow pulling me back down and away from the impulse to travel, though.

I finally opened my eyes and started my usual practice, which is always profound. Interestingly, this time nothing happened. Even after 15 minutes, it was more practice dessert! This was interesting and I took it as kind of a sign that down this traveling sidetrack wasn’t where I should currently be going.

Dream Incubation Spell

I extinguished the candle and crawled into bed. I decided on the spot that I would try a dream incubation since my travel plans were canceled. As I normally do with much success following,I wrote out an incubation to all the beings who care about these practices: 
Please bless me in my practice. 
Please take me in a dream to a teacher who can show me some truth that will aid my practice and my teaching others how to awaken in this very life. 

Through my chat with DreamWalker, I had settled in my mind mainly on an extraordinary-being teacher of cosmological-scale knowledge that will help with my writing a dharma book. Instead, my dream took me to Daniel Ingram, standing before a gallows on this planet Earth, about to hang an innocent child.

Dream Narratives

I am standing at the foot of a gallows in the middle of a green grassy field. It is early morning, springtime, and birds are singing. Daniel is standing up on the platform and is placing a noose around a blond little boy’s neck.

I’m looking up at Daniel’s face from below, sobbing, begging him not to go through with executing this pure child. Daniel blithely ignores me, humming to himself, and proceeds in workaday fashion to string up the child. As he does, I look down to my right and see a clone, or twin, of the first boy. Still crying hard, I pick up this little boy and hold him in my arms, tight against my body. I’m sobbing, furious, and scream at Daniel, “You will never take this one from me! You will never get away with such black evil again, not on my watch!”

I woke up from this dream. It was morning but I was still sleepy. I took out my incubation text and reread it. I placed it back under my pillow, and, after I lay back down again to sleep, I asked for another dream to clarify the first.

Arrive that dream did:

Now I’m driving in my car at night. Every few blocks, I see a young man in his twenties whom I know to be having mental health issues and to have no money or wherewithal to get help. I pick them up in my car and transport each to where he can get help. I give each money to pay for the services he needs.

Now I hear on the car radio news that MCTB2 has been posted for commentary. I suddenly have the impulse to stop the vehicle and email Daniel to ask him to consider removing his claim to arahatship from the cover and the book, and to tell the truth about the Actual Freedom era, when he admitted in an audio recording that he was not in fact “done” with his awakening. But then I think better of my impulse and decide not to have anything to do with him. I decide instead to drive to a little gym in a strip mall and get a workout on the elliptical machine.

I enter the little all-night gym. As I do, I’m surrounded by reporters who try to get me to comment on the posting of Ingram’s MCTB2 version that excludes our yearlong collaboration. I tell all of them “no comment” and push past them all to a stairwell at the back of the gym. I tell them that I’m going to the Women’s restroom, not to follow me, that I want to be alone, that being a woman has to pay off in at least this one respect.

So underground I go. I enter a dim, dirty restroom and then enter a stall. On top of the commode tank, there is a box of chocolates with “Jenny” writ large on a Christmas card that is atop it. I open the card, which plays Christmas music, a glass harmonica, as I do. The card says to take one candy and to pass the gift on to others, anonymously. The card doesn’t say so, but I psychically know that the candy keeps replenishing so long as everyone who receives the gift takes only one piece and pays the rest forward. I also know psychically that my best friend since high school, Robyn, sent me the chocolates and card.

I leave the restroom with the candy and card. I walk down the basement hall until I find a door. I enter a conference room with a table in the middle. There are some high windows on the far wall. They are open and daylight is pouring down into the basement through them. Paige and a few other dharma students are sitting around the table. I place the gift and the card on the table, and I push them across to my teacher John, who is sitting below the windows. When I meet his eyes with mine, all the emotional pain surrounding Daniel and MCTB2 evaporates.

Again I woke from the dream. Again, I decided to go back to sleep once more. I asked once more for further clarification.

I am back in my car, driving away from the little gym with the underground dharma meeting. It is night. I resume my practice of finding young men who need help and transporting them to where they can receive appropriate help. But I have a new idea: I pull the car over, get out ,and look up at the night sky. Then visions begin in the sky, revealing psychically to me that they are maps of interstellar routes and tracking systems. Gradually, I understand how to read the sky visions as a map. It tells me where to find those young men in need. This quickens my work in locating and transporting them in my vehicle, which I resume doing. Then I awoke for the last time.

Dream Evaluation

The boy that Daniel hangs looks to be 3 or 4 years old. He has white-blond hair, but is not my son when he was small. The boy reminds me more of my son’s cousin, Matthew, when Matthew was small. Perhaps the connection here is that I have to attend a court ordeal with my son tomorrow, and his attorney’s name is Matthew.

In the scathing letter that Daniel wrote me on the day that my copyright registration of MCTB2 was approved, he referred to MCTB2 as his “baby” and to me as a criminal. In fact he compared me to a thief, a stalker, and a rapist. Mind you, this was my first mentor, dharma teacher, a self-proclaimed arahat, who wrote these devastating words to me. So one obvious meaning of the hanging of the boy is that MCTB2, his “baby,” was annihilated by Daniel, not me. And for Daniel the important point of the execution was that I watch it, bear witness to it, for it was all meant to punish me, not the boy. The clone of the first dead boy as a second living one that I picked up and protected is my own writing, own book.

Another meaning of the little boy and the young men I drive around to help derives from the fact that Daniel’s public forum, the Dharma Overground, consists mainly of young men.

The radio news, reporters, and attempts to question me point to Daniel’s fame and jealous-god-like attachment to fame and competitiveness. This dream is a warning against attachment to the Eight Worldly Dharmas. That is why the Christmas candy and card are anonymous and come with the understanding that we all benefit only if none takes more than his or her share personally. This dream is a warning against personal gain, personal powers, as ends and goals.

The basement room with the light-bearing windows around John’s head is a new Dharma Underground. The vision of John thus positioned reminds me of the painting by De Vinci of Christ’s last supper.

These dreams mark the first time in a long time that I’ve dreamed of my car as “vehicle” of awakening, something that occurred often for many months after the scene with Daniel exploded.

The sky as vision as map was just a hint of what I was initially looking for via travel or dream. It is saying to keep to my personal vehicle for traveling, which is to practice as I have been, that my current practice will  tell me where I need to go and how to help other beings. Power and fame and special feats are still a mere sidetrack. And that sidetrack leads to a dead end.

Incubated Dream of the Giant’s Return

The incubated dream sequence I’m about to share came immediately after I called in my protectors, sat in rather visionary meditation for 90 minutes, and ritually wrote out my question – or rather questions, because I really didn’t clarify the underlying one question as much as I should have (it was late, and I needed sleep). I’m not going to share the questions, for they are too personal. But I will share the answer I received. I may evaluate the dream in a separate post, later; first I just want to record it.

Hypnagogic Vision of a Ghost’s Trying to Reach Me

Upon turning out my lamp on the nightstand, I reclined and felt buzzy and super-alert from the meditation I had just finished. I saw on the ceiling a big set of concentric circles: light core, dark donut, light outer rim. Then that image suddenly vanished, and on the ceiling I saw shadows that looked like a ladder. This new image made me think of Jacob’s ladder, a connection between heaven and Earth. I prayed again for the dream and placed my written questions under my pillow.

Then I drifted into a short hypnagogic vision as follows.

I see a corner of a room in a home. In the corner I see a small child’s stool, a three-legged stool. Above the stool is a window. It is open. Sun is shining in, and some curtains are gently swelling out and in from a light breeze. It is like the breath in meditation. The stool is familiar. It is identical to one that a family photographer had me sit on when I was a child. He had me in sit in profile, looking down into a baby-doll’s glass eyes. I was made to sit in profile on that stool because I was born with crossed eyes, something I suffered cruelty, rejection, and shame for throughout childhood. No parents want a portrait of a flawed daughter. No schoolmate will befriend a child wearing an eye-patch. The stool looks inviting. I begin walking toward it, intending to sit on it and gaze at the light outside the window. When I’m almost at the stool, suddenly a man’s translucent ghost-white hand and forearm bursts through the seat, grabbing at the air and light. It is a portal of some kind, with someone trying to literally reach me.

I jolted out of the vision, shocked awake. I found myself in bed. I was not afraid and didn’t feel as if I had suffered a nightmare. I was just fascinated. I vowed not to forget the dream and fell back asleep.

Toward morning, I had the dream that follows. It featured the exact same giant that appeared in my earlier dream, “Dream of the Mired Giant.”

The Dream of the Giant and the Storehouse 

Historic Durham Tobacco District Today

 I am in what seems to be the Tobacco Warehouse district of Durham, North Carolina, during an earlier era when the warehouses did in fact store tobacco and industrial machinery (see next post for a vintage picture of the district, here shown in its contemporary form). I’m a girl and running from warehouse to warehouse, hiding under a table, then running again, then hiding behind a shelf, and so on. It is a game. I’m playing hide-and-seek. I keep looking behind me to see if my friend is following me, looking for me, but I don’t see him. I feel he is there, though, somewhere in the district, perhaps on a sniper’s perch of a high window, secretly staring down at me. I feel his presence even though he remains invisible and silent as I look up and scan all the windows for a sign of him. Because I can’t see whether he is following me, I grow tired of hiding and curious. I the turn tables, so to speak, and start looking for him. I make him “it.” So I’m the seeker, and now he is the hider. Suddenly,in a blind alleyway, I stop cold with the realization that he’s been the hider all along, never revealing himself; I also realize that we are both nonetheless seeking each other, that we’ve been playing this game for eons.

I pause from playing the game, leave behind all the rust-covered machinery, and drift into a diner. My husband Kurt is there, about 27 years old, eating cherry pie. I sit beside him on a counter stool. A third person sits down beside me on the other side. I say to Kurt, “I think someone is following me, and I know who it is but he won’t show himself.” Kurt says, “Yep – same old same old.” I say, “I’m not sure whether I’m safe.” Kurt says, “He can’t do anything to you.”

Suddenly, I’m in a vehicle, stopped before a storehouse door that won’t open. Kurt and our son are in the car too. Out of the left corner of my eye, I see a runaway train barreling toward me. Kurt and Kerry bolt and scream at me to do likewise. But I stand my ground, trying to bust down the storehouse door with my car. 

The train is about to collide with my car, surely killing me, when suddenly the Giant from my other dream appears, towering over me. He picks up my car like it is a toy, saving me from being hit by the train. He slams his fist through the storehouse door, revealing a conveyor belt moving more deeply into the building, away from the door.

I’m out of the car now, and the giant is trying to pick me up. 

I’m screaming, “No! Don’t leave my friend behind! Save him too!” 

Then I wonder whether the giant won’t save my friend because the friend is the one who is driving the train, trying to destroy me. So I ask the giant, “Am I in danger from my friend?” 

The giant says, “No. No matter what you do or don’t do, nothing can harm you. You can play this game as much as you want, for eons if you want – or not.” 

Then the giant places me on the conveyor where I’m conveyed away to darkness and safety, still screaming, “Save him! Save him too! Don’t leave him behind, please, or I’ll have to come back and start all over again!” 

The giant says,”Not this time, sweetheart; maybe next time.”

My dream evaluation is in the next post, “Unpacking a Dream of Conveyance”: http://jhanajenny.com/unpacking-the-dream-of-conveyance/


Dream of the Secret Path to the Rainbow Heart

Lost and Mapless

I am in my car, driving up Old Chapel Hill Road toward Chapel Hill, trying to get somewhere, but I’m not sure where. I pass the right turn onto Airport Boulevard, which leads to the airline terminals. I know that coming up on my right will be Aviation Parkway. But I do not want either of those two clearly visible routes. What I’m looking for is between those two roads, but that is all I know except that I’ve never before seen a road between those two turn-offs.

I am frustrated as I drive, because not only do I lack a navigator and map, but I am not even sure of the the name of the turn-off I’m looking for. It is a secret route; it appears only if one can remember its name, which I cannot quite do. I know it starts with an O. So is it Osolo?  Is it Orca? Is it Ochre? No. I am thinking that maybe I should turn onto Airport Boulevard after all, that maybe the path I’m looking for is a V-off or a service road. Or maybe I can abandon my car and, since there is no one and nothing to help me, walk through the dark woods alone on foot in the hope of finding it.

Letting Go and Recollection of Lucidity as Path

As soon as I give up and start to backtrack, the name of the path I seek occurs to me: Ösel. It means luminous clarity, as well as rang rig pa, which means reflexive apperception. It is generally included in the Six Yogas of Naropa. The sign of the road appears, and I turn right onto this secret route. The route dead ends at what appears to be a horse farm that has been transformed into some kind of testing track for various vehicles. 

My Confrontation with My Teacher

There is a tight, U-shaped, circular way to turn around. I go around it and pause at this window where apparently people can order smoothies. A woman there asks me if I want refreshment. (This woman was Yara Greyjoy from Game of Thrones, the badass warrior princess who tries to rescue her abused and traumatized brother, whom their father first rejected and abandoned cruelly.) I tell her that my organic mango lassi recipe is superior to anything she is offering and so I must politely decline. 

I drive up a little further, park, and exit my car. I start walking back toward the track and under the shade of some oaks, where John is sitting at a picnic table, across from a student who resembles Sam in Game of Thrones. Sam is a character who was traumatized by his father, is overweight, and has low self-esteem. I quietly nod hello to John, who is teaching this student.

The student is saying that he is experiencing intense fear and misery from meditation. John is launching into some advice, but I interrupt John and Sam: “You need to read MCTB before you do anything else.” Sam says, “What’s MCTB?” I reply: “Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha, but unfortunately the really clear, beautiful, and complete second edition is being held hostage by its lead author, with whom I collaborated on it, all because he refuses to give me even a factual editorial acknowledgment for my 800 hours of work that amounted to authorship.” 

John starts to contradict me about the usefulness of MCTB2, and I again interrupt him, asking, “John, have you even read this book so as to understand the insight stages, particularly the Knowledges of Suffering?” He says no. I apologize for interrupting him, say I will let him get back to teaching, but I also write out the title of the book on two scraps of paper and tell both of them “Read It!”

Dream Outtake of the Sectarianism Scene of my Youth

Suddenly I’m back in the little Lutheran church of my childhood. I left this church after a fist fight almost broke out over abandoning the old red hymnals for the new green ones that altered the familiar melodies and harmonies unacceptably. But this time everyone is chanting in Tibetan out of the red hymnals. Everyone except me. I hold a drab green book that contains Theravadin meditation instructions in plain English. I start reading these aloud, shouting with my one voice over the din of the old Tibetan obfuscations.

Now I’m back under the shade over the picnic table, staring into John’s eyes over the title MCTB2 that I wrote on the scrap of paper. I bow slightly to John with my hands folded at heart center, as if transmitting the knowledge of the red-versus-green-book dream outtake, turn, and walk back past the refreshment window to a rack of trinkets that is set up under a shade tree in the clay and sparse grass. 

Two Heart-Shaped Lockets for Sale

I see two heart-shaped lockets. I decide to pay the price for one. But which? The patterns of the hearts are similar: both have an image of a key engraved on the heart, but in different positions. Undecided, I look at John, who is still teaching at the picnic table, out of earshot. He turns and glances at me, as if knowing that I’m staring at him. I turn back to the two hearts, and the one on my right now is giving off intensely saturated rainbow colors. This is the one, then, that I will buy. 

I go to the refreshment window and pay. I test the locket first to make sure that it will open without an actual (missing) key. It does. The woman says the key is included as image in the design itself, the heart and the key to opening it are the same. The locket is placed in a long rectangular velvet box and given to me for my safekeeping.

Dream Outtake about Two Authors Named “Cushion”

Suddenly, I’m back at the rack of dharma merchandise, but now my colleague Sian, our acquistions editor at work, is standing beside me and asking a question about one of my authors, whose name is apparently Cushion. She says there are two Cushions and asks which one is my author. I say, “Oh, come on! What is the chance of there being two ‘Cushions’ as authors?” I’m annoyed and tell her that both are probably mine because of how well she does her job and therefore how overloaded with developmental editing work I am. 

She turns ghostly pale at my words and vanishes. Ahhhh!

Subject Perspective Gone but Self-Powered Game On

Now the sense of an “I,” an ego, is gone. There is only a race of some kind between three vehicles. They are not going around the track, however, but toward Old Chapel Hill Road, toward home. One is a large old V8 truck, I think. One is a car. The third is a rickety cart without shock absorbers, which is powered by this blonde woman’s own legs and feet. Yes, she is peddling under her own power. 

Although he is not visible now, I hear John’s voice saying, “Jenny, this is not a race.” Although I, too, am not there in first or third person, I hear my voice respond, “Yes, it is, John, regardless of what purpose or lack of purpose you declare, for I will give the one who reaches Chapel Hill Road first, most efficiently, the olden rainbow-light open-heart locket I paid for with my own resources.”

The blonde woman moving forward under her own power in the claptrap-vehicle-for-one reaches Old Chapel Hill Road first. The magical rainbow locket is hers to keep. 

So say I, and so it shall be.