Dream of the Mired Giant
It is nighttime. As first-person point of view, I’m in a pit of what seems to be quicksand, although I’m not sinking but simply stuck. I hear the word block booming repeatedly, rhythmically, like a shamanic drum beat. Across from me in the pit is a giant. We don’t move or speak; we simply look at each other.
We are both stuck, blocked from moving forward and out. It is still and timeless. It is the windless night.
Who or what is the giant? Whoever he is, we are in this mess together, unable to move forward. We aren’t speaking, aren’t cooperating to find a way out. DreamWalker and my husband both think the giant represents Daniel Ingram, and the moon-shaped pool of earth element is the copyright dispute and the stultification of MCTB2.
My initial thought on waking was that the giant reminded me of the giants in Game of Thrones, the ones who stamp out the undead White Walkers of the night. The other thought that quickly occurred to me is that the giant is a Goliath. But I deliver no slings and arrows, no rocks. We are both stuck in rock so long as standoff silence prevails. There is no fear, sadness, or any feeling tone whatsoever to the dream. It just is, a simple statement of plain fact. It is a cosmic, timeless situation that we are caught in. It is not personal.
What am I blocked from doing? I’m not sure. I will do some structured dreamwork on this dream this weekend and write out the results.
I threw these cards right after the weekend retreat of March 27 and 28, which emphasized nonduality through work with the body. I was ecstatic after sitting with my teacher again after so many months. Something at this brief but sweet retreat happened–not a new shift, but a certainty that crystallized and sank down into me that the door on Ingram, MCTB2, all Buddhist forums, and high-maintenance people of all sorts, but especially former dharma friends, is now shut.
Or, more properly, I’ve walked through this gate: http://jhanajenny.com/post/141579935947/gate-crucifixion-tarot
I’m precisely where I’m supposed to be, with the teacher best for my development, and with the very few private dharma relationships that can fuel me rather than drain me energetically. My focus is wholesomely on simplifying my life, putting all the busy-ness I can aside, and nurturing my own life and practice. This is not the time to start a community, write a book, or chase after anything or anyone. Those impulses were my attempt to escape the reality of all that has passed and is passing.
Image of spread is here: http://jhanajenny.com/post/142258612762/enlightenment-arrogance-shapeshifter
Inner State: Nine of Swords
Ah, yes! The Nine of Swords follows the Eight of Swords, which is the gateless gate I mentioned, the one I felt I had passed through during this weekend.
The painting by Marie White is of the Temple of Eternity, so emptiness of time. It contains the four elements, a water veil, a sun above and beyond the invisible but functional line of the horizon, and a “this side” where we live. This card represents enlightenment, the highest state of a human being with intent.
White’s painting shows the dark and light pillars in reversed positions, indicating that the other side of the view may be this side, here on earth, in time, in the relative. The air represents the pressure of challenge, and this leads us to evolution.
The card represents spiritual realization and the end of a long separation. It is the most appropriate card in the deck to represent my inner state after sitting this retreat.
Outer World: King of Wands Reversed
This card has come up often during the whole legal dispute. This time is it in the position of outer world, other person. In reverse it is a card of righteous indignation, arrogance, and inability to embody the power behind those energies skillfully.
Advice: Queen of Wands
This card is of me in my current situation. It is a full-bodied feminine power. It is a nagual, a shapeshifter, a shaman, a witch. A complement to the King of Wands, the sun god, which marks my outer world, she is the dark, the inner, the flame in the temple of my own body. She is the dark forest and the dark night I must traverse alone. She wears a shard of obsidian near her third eye. It is both a weapon and a mirror. It is myself that she is showing me. This is a card advising me to re-create myself though the imagination and embodied power.
Fits and Starts
First sit in months. I felt hypomanic all day after having the blues yesterday. I was agitated and even nervous at moments. I kept thinking I saw Liana. I kept directing myself back to observing the breath. It felt blocked at the level of my throat, the chakra governing communication and truth-speaking, according to Eastern energetic theories. Finally I lowered focus to my navel area. I tried different speeds of breath but never got it just right. I was just beginning to relax into focus when the bell rang and I jumped at the sound. Twenty minutes of sitting had passed, and it felt fast.