For a couple of days now, after aggressive communications from the other side, I’ve been annoyed with myself because
various revenge scenarios keep arising before my mind’s eye—ways I will subtly
let drop on huge forums that Daniel destroyed all our work, 350 manuscript pages, just in order to
deny me a cover credit he had promised me in a written agreement and had actually had implemented.
Vengeance is destructive–even when it is vengeance for vengeance. I don’t want to
be having these thoughts, but I’m really, really pissed at him. Really. He and his friend-lawyer went so low, lying, and insinuating that I’m a stalker–that I can’t really
feel any of that as “grab.” It is just too stupid to be effective that way.
But what I do feel is that he would rather smite me than preserve the best version of his own book. Not once during this
dispute has he so much as mentioned all the practitioners he was supposedly
making this edition for.
What to Do with Anger
I started poking around the Web to find some dharma advice for working with
anger. Nothing much spoke to me. Pema Chodren urged patience, waiting before
taking action to reduce commission of harm. Is harm always wrong? Seriously. I
mean what about Kane? Sometimes he had to kick ass.
I did find a video with a teaching that nuanced the precept against
divisive speech. It was pointed out that there is a duty to the community to
call teachers out for their wrongdoings.
Tonglen Compassion Practice
Tonight I did an intense practice, beginning with Tonglen regarding myself and loved ones on death
bed, then hearing, then awareness of hearing, then emptiness of time, then
dropping awareness into the heart, then ocean-and-waves, and then repeating
tonglen from this very subtle level of mind and seeing how tonglen differed
from the first go-round.
I wept at times, but the tonglen for all beings at the
end was mightily healing.
What am I learning ethically? It is
hard to see the pure nature of one who has deliberately caused me and himself so much suffering in the face of knowing better, of being a supposed dharma teacher. I am
disillusioned. And he is not what he purports to be.
Dream of Floating above Red Pavers
Recently I dreamed I was walking and
looking down at red pavers beneath me. Then I looked up and to the right, down a length of
sidewalk, and saw Daniel entering his little workout place. He tried to guilt me back in August by saying he had to give up his vacations, wardrobe budget, and gym membership to pay for the replacement editor.
I suddenly realized that I
was dreaming and that I could float a few inches above the pavers rather than walk. I realized, too, that I had powers and could follow him into the gym and even know what he was thinking, without my being seen. But
as I approached the door, I remembered all the grief he has caused me and
recoiled. I shouted aloud, “Fuck him!” And I promptly turned and floated like a grand dame of a magnificent ghost in the opposite
direction, with a joyous expansive freedom that woke me in my bed and to this body.
Hot Dharma Injection
I Woke with misery, fear, and disgust. I am guessing it is Reobservation. It could be hangover from yesterday’s unpleasantness, though, with D.
Fun. What can you do with it? Where is it felt in the body? Can you unwind it?
Body turning hot and cold with fear. Can’t eat. Shaking. Solar plexus.
How exhilarating! Is it causing thoughts?
Or is rigpa flaring?
Thoughts of death, dread over deadlines, thoughts that my family is in danger. Thoughts of Daniel hurting me. Fear of cancer. I had a medical test this morning. Fear of having another breakdown.
Right. That’s a very busy mind.
Fear for my sister who was fired from her job of 30 years as bureau chief. Yes, busy mind.
Are you mindful of the thoughts, or lost in them?
But that doesn’t mean the pattern itself changes, and on the level of relative reality, psycho-dynamics, it needs to change. It is all very well that it is “empty,” but tantra, magick, physio-energetic work, and even psychological work are necessary to change the trauma patterns—“karmic” propensities, if you will.
I would just bump up some jhanas to equanimity, but I’m not working on emotional crap, hee hee hee.
Low blood sugar. Eating first.
That’ll screw your noodle. Eat something disgusting.
Also my thyroid med ran out and I started taking the brand from Thailand. Missed some doses. Could be migraine too–face tingling.
I cried this morning over Daniel, before I had that pelvic ultasound. Not missing him. Just sad and horrified at his own obvious suffering.
My goal is not to stop him It is just to be able to legally put the right version out there. I want severance and peace. I also want this better version available to people.
Good thing that doesn’t happen during your spells.
Pelvic ultrasound this morning. Thoughts of cancer.
Food seems to be helping some. I will sit with third chakra and then maybe nap.
Or wherever the feeling pattern is.
Did you see that tarot reading? http://jhanajenny.com/post/140842609207/legal-dispute-tarot. That was right before my copyright registration application was kicked back.
Your app got kicked back again?
No. That reading was before events of yesterday. Tarot spread showed lots of fire and darkness. Middle and last card both have flaming lions in them, interestingly. These are indicating the dark side of awakening, integration of demons and the profane into the sacred. Yea, there be a dark side. First and middle cards were both numbered 5. The number 5 in tarot means that power and control issues in a specific relationship are at the forefront.
Fire . . . as in flaming.
That too. Lion is strength. The reading says that I am completely in control of the situation, or completely submissive. Which?
Fire, fire, fire!
Hierophant reversed means that a religious figure is trying to rule with an iron fist and that this is causing me to question or rebel against the conventional morality of the religion or tradition and ask whether what is happening is really fair and right by me, ever has been. So I’m confronting the dark side of this tradition, the shadow side of the subconscious forces dancing with each other. In this position of my own state of mind, though, this card indicates straight-up rebellion, rejection of conventional morality, and entrance onto a new path.
Interesting—reading this: “Distortions–overattachment and blind acceptance or following. Just as you are eventually kicked out of your mother’s physical and emotional nest, so too will your own mind kick you out of an outdated mental nest that is no longer comfortable. To the neurotic, this looking outside of the self for the accepted norm of behavior can become literally ‘the voice of God.’ Hegel argued that we exist only as part of a system; he called it organicism. The only problem here is Hegel’s use of the word only. We exist in a system, by the grace of that system into which we are born, but then we must decide for ourselves how we want to use, to adapt, to change that system and so pass it on to the next generation. Some of us choose a personal system very much like our parent or predecessors, but we must choose it, not blindly follow it. Others of us strike out on very different paths from the map handed to us.”
What tradition am I upholding?
What tradition am I rebelling against?
What am I learning?
How do I express all this?
I’m getting motivated to understand the pointing-out instructions.
Ah, well, good. Finally!
I should take notes. I wish there were less bullshit around it, no fucking guru lama transmission bullshit and secrecy. It would be refreshing to actually have just a bunch of samples from western dudes. I’m looking at Ken McLeod right now. He’s explaining the not-doing stuff okay.
I hope he gets to the doing stuff soon!
Hahaha! Good luck!
“Reason. How many of you had an emotional discussion with somebody and somebody resorts to reason? Okay. And it’s perfect for our anger types because they don’t have to acknowledge their anger. They can just say, ‘Well, it’s like this, it’s like this, it’s like this,’ and it’s completely ineffective in an emotional argument, because it’s not about how things are, it’s about connection. But they don’t have to worry about any of that emotional stuff because they can just sit, quite content, and be perfectly right. They never have to actually embrace their emotion in the situation. Anger types do this all the time—it’s very irritating. So if somebody pulls that on you, don’t get into the argument. Just say, ‘This is how I feel. How are you going to relate to that?’ That will drive them completely nuts. ‘I don’t care whether it’s right or wrong. I don’t care whether it makes sense. It’s just how I feel.’ This is a good approach.”
You’re a master, Jenny!
“A traditional approach is guru yoga. Every practice tradition has what I call a repository of faith. In the Zen tradition—Soto Zen particularly—the repository of faith is the posture. That’s why they make such a big deal about the posture. Trust the posture, call it a repository of trust, too. In Thich Nhat Hanh’s tradition, it’s the bell. In the Theravadin tradition, it’s the Dharma, the teachings. That’s why they’re always talking about “the Dharma.” Drives me nuts. In the Tibetan tradition, the repository of trust is your teacher.
That’s where you place your trust, it’s where you place your faith, and he or she holds that. And if they don’t, then you have a big problem, as many people have experienced, unfortunately. But that’s one of the functions of the teacher, of the guru, in the traditional Tibetan approach—they are the repository of trust. And that links up with what I was saying right at the beginning, that you regard teacher as Buddha, which means it’s how you connect with awakened mind.”
I gots trust, yes I do. I gots trust, how ‘bout you?
Just not into the Tibetan type of trust, hahaha. I’d say it’s dharma I trust, but not the buddhisty crap dharma—the real unfolding of how the universe works, the dharma that has unfolded nonstop to get me to awakening.
The same thing that will get me the rest of the way.
My “guru” dear J says, “This moment is Buddha; the medicine is Dharma.“
The moment is the infinite now. The religious-y crap does not speak to me much.
Though most seem to love, love, love it.
I used to dislike it. There is a place for it now. I find ritual and transmission pragmatic. I don’t feel in any way enslaved by it. I don’t have a teacher (anymore) who lords it over people. There really is no difference between ritual and meditation. A good ritual is
So says Frank.
And I’m righteous.
I’ve been praying for guidance. Is that wrong?
“Resting without reference—you’re going to fall forever. Get used to it, you know. It’s a very good way to approach practice: You’re just going to fall. Forget about doing it right, just do it and use whatever methods you’re familiar with from your own practice so that you have the sense of opening to whatever arises in experience.”
Well, that’s a trusted teacher’s instruction, though, ironically.
The secret to falling well is to figure out there is no bottom, no splat. In the falling, just the falling, hee hee!
Okay. Not sure what that actually means. I think J calls that pattern one of resting into the ground–only over and over and over, moment by moment by moment.
There is no self. You are falling without one.
Oh. That old metaphor. Yes. All right. Whatevs, you know?
I have no time to read. I’m going to nap and then head to the office. Have to work my ass off all holidays to meet my fiscal year goals. I wish I had time to read all these books I have. Or transfer my journals to my own site.
“Energy is very egalitarian, it goes everywhere in the system. In particular when you raise energy in the system it goes to both what you’re keeping out of awareness and also the mechanism for keeping it out of awareness. It goes there as well as it goes everywhere else. The consequence of that is that what is operating out of awareness begins to operate more strongly. And the blocking mechanism operates more strongly.
“Over time, you end up torn in two, necessarily, and you see this phenomenon in many, many teachers. It’s particularly common in yoga teachers who work with pranayama. And you can tell because—not all of them—many of them have a kind of strain in their face. You ever notice that? Because they’re exerting so much control and they have to keep exerting more and more control to keep that stuff out of attention.
“And how it shows up in behavior is that people who are doing this will have these areas of their lives which are somewhat out of control. Maybe obsession with sex, money, power—they’re the usual culprits.”
* * *
I’m back now. What work is that from?
It’s very much like what Daniel writes in MCTB2 about energy, about the dangers of a concentrated mind at high energy. And he uses the metaphor of fire. Ah, my elemental friend, fire.
“As the balance of energy and concentration matures, strangely it may feel like there is little energy or concentration. Reality may be clearly perceived naturally, with little effort. Experience may seem quite wide and inclusive rather than focused and concentrated. This change surprises many people, and they may cling to the immature phase of developing concentration, which feels narrow, and the immature phase of developing energy, which feels effortful; but, when these faculties mature, the feel is wide and easy, natural and clear, gentle and broad, and rich and subtle: Everything is just showing itself all the way through, on its
“As we apply effort to practice and build our concentration, the mind will strengthen, which in general is positive, but I should mention a downside: However we are when our mind is more energetic and concentrated is written more strongly into the
brain. Thus, when you cultivate an energetic and concentrated mind, guard it well and direct it to skillful practices and skillful ways of being so that skillfulness is written deep into the mind. Do not allow it to go down unskillful tracks and channels for longer than it takes for you to recognize that it is doing so; otherwise, those unskillful mental habits and tendencies will be written on your mind with that same power. Moreover, when energy and concentration begin to come online before mindfulness is strong, the mind may
be prone to obsessive thinking fueled by the strong energy and concentration, so watch for this pattern and generally stay grounded in physical objects until some more skill is developed.
“A cultivated mind is like a fire. The hotter the fire, the more rapidly it can help accomplish all kinds of useful ends, like cooking food or melting iron for forging. However, the hotter the fire, the more rapidly it can also get out of control and burn things down if not properly monitored and tended to. Thus, when practicing, particularly on retreat, but even in daily life, be careful and respectful of the power of an energetic and concentrated mind. Use it skillfully, just as you would any powerful tool. Imagine that a really strong
mind is like an acetylene cutting torch. It is really useful for cutting through obstacles, such as delusion, but it can also cause hurt if not directed properly. Keep this analogy in mind, and your practice will likely fare better. “
Ironic, ain’t it? On oh-so-many levels.
Hey, I dreamed of Daniel during my nap just now. He was sitting across from a younger ghost-like me, across his desk in his doctor’s office. He was writing me prescriptions (see Dharma is medicine above). In the dream, I realized that I was third-person Jenny and could remotely view anything. So then I floated out of that office, across time, and saw him driving through the rain to his hospital, middle of the night.”
Wow, that Ken collection looks awesome!
I’m reading it. He flaps his gums a lot. Not bad, though. He just needs to get to the point.
You say that about everyone. Sometimes a grand tour is doing something to you just by virtue of being that grand tour. I’m
not saying that it is true in this case. I don’t feel, for instance, that it is true in the case of A.H. Almaas, hahahahahaha! Almaas so needs an editor; someone tell him I’m now free, only it will cost him in the end, heh heh.
Yeah. No one gets to the point. Why that is, I don’t know.
Wow. You are really just not getting the whole nonlinearity concept, are you—not to mention the nonconceptual concept, hahahaha!
I just want the hot dharma injection . . . and done!
That’s maybe a problem? The problem?
Nah. I am very, very patient. You could take lessons.
Um, “I just want the hot dharma injection?” That’s “patient”? A-hahahahahaha!
You’re the speed freak. Looky how fast you do stuff. You don’t even get to enjoy your suffering along the way.
No one is more patient than someone who went through a decade of PhD work just to end up a godforsaken editor. I suffered a
lot, believe me.
In my dream I became sort of lucid in that I realized my viewpoint and the Jenny I was watching were split. And then I started, with viewpoint, going anywhere I wanted. Remote viewing. I started playing, testing it.
Nifty. It is pretty obvious that it’s not real.
The movie of your life, starring . . . some other you-point.
Oh. But usually in dreams I don’t question that. I don’t say, “Wait a dang minute.” Wallace says the way to regularly have lucid dreams is to take critical judgment with you into the dream. So you recognize “Hey, this isn’t how things work when I’m awake.” So much to do. So many practices. So much sweet glittering-pink mind candy!
Well, I’m gonna guess that the instruction for dream yoga that you got so far is shit. But that seems to be a repeated theme with you. Then you will finally get good instructions, and wham!—overachiever Jenny will bang it right out.
His bookis in two parts. First is lucid dreaming. Second is dream yoga. I’ve barely begun the lucid dreaming part.
I’m really guessing it might just be turning up the awareness dial, and then it happens on its own.
He says to do samatha into falling asleep. So see all the images flashing behind closed eyes, no matter how subtle, and, with awareness, follow them into dreamtime. He has a shit ton of methods. I’ve half-assed it so far. This is kind of a back-burner project right now. But I at least try a bit every day. My main interest right now is to heal the body. And to sit with volatile dark energies
from current situations and “contain” them while opening into them. That takes a lot of intention setting by means of old-fashioned morality.
It isn’t easy. And there are, yes, always blind spots and usually no way to be perfectly “good” and harmless.
You? Blind spots? Noooo!
Oh, but yes. Which is why I’m trying hard to slow down this runaway legal train.
What you can’t see is not blind. It’s nonexistent.
Right. “Blindness” is a supposedly revealing metaphor. But it is only a metaphor—in other words, overshooting signification.
Till it bites you.
But being bitten is perhaps good, part of the learning. And perhaps unavoidable.
For who casts no shadows?
What has come to me is not to interfere with Daniel. Rather my emphasis is on doing what I want. He can have his do-over or whatever he wants. So long as the good version gets out to people who can use it as a practice manual. That is all that matters.
And so long as my future interaction with him is minimized or stops completely.
3. MCTB2-J out there
I think so. And not going after him per contract if I can simply accomplish those goals without going there. I want no further entanglement with him. And I don’t want to hurt him or his family. He is suffering enough as it is. Without my pouring it on. He has fucked up, but he can’t help it.
It sounds like you’re getting aligned with the universe.
That is why I was crying this morning: seeing that he is suffering.These are very hard lessons, because it isn’t clear where
the boundaries should be between what the other person “gets away with” and my having compassion for myself and the readers depending on this edition.
So that Tarot card advice card was reminding me to go back to basics. What do I stand for? Awareness. Majesty. Revelation. Keep everything at that level.
So I take the steps I need to, as calmly as possible, and no more. And let “revelation” happen from there for everyone involved. For that is what always happens anyway, despite the delusion of control.
Under Almaas’s system, No. 5 for Investigator (Dan) and No. 2 for Helper-Reformer (Jen) have the same blind spot: Resistance rather than surrender to Holy Will. That is the flavor of Basic Trust both Daniel and I lack. The universe as will. As opposed
to our own need to cope with patterns of resurfacing trauma by exerting delusional control.
Numbers 5 and 2 are linked this way. Ahhhh, Number 5! The number in my reading! ‘Tis Daniel.
The universe writ as Holy Will. Have to work on that.
So if I have to oppose someone for some greater good, best to do that as gently as gets the job done. And trust that alignment with Holy Will. Even if it kicks me in the proverbial teeth.
No way! Who told you that? You’re getting all wisdom-y. You been listening to me?
Prolly can’t help listening to you when you repeat yourself so much.
I do babble on so, don’t I?
Yeah. You should be quiet. Like me.
An opponent—if you see that opposition as suffering, really really really see it, then that helps. It is hard to do when they are attacking you. But necessary nonetheless.
I am Kane.
“In the moment of compassion, compassion’s essential emptiness is nakedly clear. This is the union of compassion and emptiness. But this is not an emotion joining with emptiness. This is mind itself, which is simultaneously empty and clear, and that’s how it manifests in experience. The reason this is important—or one of the reasons—is that you don’t have to do anything at this point. It just arises. And referring to the remarks I made earlier, that level of compassion—non-referential compassion—arises because you’ve eliminated everything that gets in the way. Third step in training; you become empty, and the way emptiness expresses itself is as compassion.”
Right. I’ve had moments of experiencing what he is talking about. It isn’t the pedestrian notion of “compassion” at all. So I’ve been saying for months now that the Tibetans have conceptualized the topmost bird’s eye view of the practice as having two wings: wisdom and this super-refined agape-style love. So insight is not enough. However, if it goes far enough, then I think that wisdom and compassion become nondual too. (Ken’s pronoun ambiguity is a bit maddening.) Compassion is infinitely more profound than the sila (morality) version. In many cases, compassion will not resemble morality in the least.
Hey, I just sent a pain-in-the-ass book to print! Yay me! Two years working on it. Boy, did that super-suck.
To print? Oh, you are at real work, if that’s what you mean.
Yeah, buddy. Now I’m all SASified!.
“Real” . . . hahaha!
And to think, I thought you only fought with authors.
Oh, no! I love my authors. Except one. And I’m trying to find a way to slap a hormone patch on his ass when he’s paying no attention. That may end by giving him the wrong idea, though. Maybe, instead, I’ll just give his ass the hot dharma injection–you know, a heart-to-heart.
I need to write a book.
And there is something playing in the shadows around the edges of my mind. And
it is saying that the different traditions are insufficiently talking to
I am watching another video. These students have supposedly almost stabilized
rigpa, but they bring up the most basic, baby obstacles to practice. Some are therapists yet struggle with anxiety and self-doubt so much that practice is impeded. How, how can they have realized rigpa if they don’t even know
how to look at the sensation of anxiety in the body? John gives the psych
perspective, but he also basically says the solution is vipassana.
Still, in the videos,
week after week, someone has to say the same damned thing. So now I see what frustrated
Ingram about all the psychologizing. John is giving the same answers Daniel
would, ultimately, but he is so nice and patient that no one “hears” what he says as instructions. Whereas Daniel would be an asshole and just be fired or dismissed.
I’m keep thinking how the elephant path is really the jhanic path for those who
can access the jhanas. Someone needs to survey all practices and put together a
practice manual that is no-nonsense, modern, accessible, and truly nonsectarian.
Mahamudra seems wasted on newbies; Daniel is wasted on anyone with
three paths (or whatever). Why the fuck can’t someone simplify all this? Even
Daniel gets so mired in Theravadin texts that he loses sight of the how-to, and
the truth is that he doesn’t know how to get the higher paths.
Moreover, Daniel isn’t finished. The
reason is that he has not addressed the compassion-love-intimacy side. That side is
not optional. It is absolutely necessary, critical, to enlightenment. It is why
I’m also not done, and I believe I have just what Daniel does for attainment, which has certainly
demystified Daniel for me.
The problem is that I’m 51. And I will not be able to retire
anytime soon. It will likely take years and years for me to have the knowledge
necessary to write a dharma book that fills a real gap. And the writing itself
will take years if I have to do it outside full-time work hours.
Listening to John, I hear him now saying for us to keep our eyes open to the suffering in the
world, hold everyone and everything, because what stabilizes realization is
staying with that suffering, compassion, never leaving, staying up on the
cross, never leaving. It is the mystery of the crucifixion that the deeper we feel into the pain of being human, the broader and more unbounded the release.