Run through the Heart with an Icicle
I did finally meditate since I wouldn’t be inclined to sleep. It is as though I were run through the heart with an icicle. And now I’ll have to call in again to work because I’ve not slept and am getting sick headache.
Anyway, enough of that. The sit was samatha jhana-esque the whole time, interrupted sometimes by great sadness and emotions surrounding betrayal. I felt this emotion as intense radiating warmth from the heart area out, as though thawing that frozen inflexible point of his.
But soon the jhana would take over, body would disappear. Everything was head-oriented then. I seemed to be in my eyes, even though they were closed. Oddly, this time it wasn’t really just blank blackness behind my eyelids, but all these crazy kaleidoscopic colors and movement, together with the proprioception that I was floating and soaring. I saw a glimpse of a steeple in predawn fog, a leaf, random things, all zooming.
I remembered in the midst to look for awareness. Really wild when that happens!
I’m sitting in PJs in my comfy bed, warm with duvet, just letting it be. It is oddly productive to go into jhana states while sleep-deprived and cried out. Try it sometime. Highly recommended, although the prep part sucks.
This second migraine is responding to medicine, and I will sleep it off as soon as I finish typing this post. I look forward to going for a walk afterward in the chilly November air. A new batch of emails arrived this morning from Daniel. We will make up and continue.