Irritableness / Unperturbed Bonus Track
I slept almost the whole Labor Day weekend and felt like doing nothing. Quite a come-down off what felt like an A&P stage, huh? And I’ve been easily provoked, irritable. Friday I was reprimanded at work for my “tone” at a meeting. Tonight my sit was characterized by this irritation: My breathing was halting/jerky, I felt air hunger, and I had numerous itches and feelings that ants were crawling on my skin. The top of my neck felt weak and trembling. Oh well!
At the same time, that weird new warm buzzy substratum of peace, a separate track, remains unperturbed, flowing out in vibratory concentric currents. Speaking of contradictions, although my boss came around Friday to speak to me about my “venting frustration all the time,” at the very same time one of my authors was penning me a gushing acknowledgment that listed my “patience” as one of the characteristics she appreciated in our work together.
Saturday, too, I ran into an acquaintance of mine, a New Ager in the local coffee shop, and I was thinking about my problems with my boss when I saw him; still, he said, “Oh, wow, something has changed with you!” I said, “What do you mean, what do you think has changed?” He said, “There is such peace sublimating off you.” I told him that I was actually kind of stressed at the moment because my boss had reprimanded me for “venting” in front of her boss. My friend said, “No, you are at peace now even when you are not; the energy is very warm and tingly – I felt it from across the shop when you walked in.”
It occurs to me that I’m “cycling” on top of a substratum of peace. I guess to others my cycles are very slow. I can drop down into that peace stratum almost at will, regardless of the level of turmoil atop it. I better do so tomorrow because we have a staff meeting. Either that, or I’ll have to show up to meetings from now on with mouth plastered shut.
[Postscript–This comment was from Shargrol of the DhO at the time: Jen, you could be through the “review” phase of the first path and are now moving through second path. Jerkyiness in particular is very Cause-and-Effect insight stage. The other icky sensations could be Three Characteristics. Of course, you are now going through this with first path under your belt, so there is going to be more jhanic flavors, easier access to a sense of flow, bliss, buzz, etc. When you feel it’s time, tell yourself it is time to go for Path 2. And just so you know, Path 2 is kinda confusing. It becomes very hard to map and is really just about showing up for practice, day after day.]