Fear, Fruition, Heart Chakra, and Power
Wow, my jhanas are rock-hard tonight! And the afterglow is, well . . . better than sex. I’m mildly worried that I really am becoming a jhana junkie, for I intended to do insight practice tonight. I guess if one is going to have a problem, though, this is the kind of problem one wants to have! Man, I feel fantastic.
In general, I’ve been so happy this weekend. I was driven to edit and to clean and buy gifts for people. It was a perfect, gorgeously bright green Easter Sunday.
Fear to Where?
This is early Monday morning. This past Wednesday through Friday, I was experiencing some terribly bothersome Fear, not the exhilarating kind, but the paranoid creepily diffused kind. I started worrying that a couple of people I care about but whom I couldn’t reach were hurt badly or something dreadful had happened to them. This worry led to checking-in behaviors on my end that I wish I had been better able to control. I guess bleed-through can happen with emotions other than anger and misery. At least, at most, I simply annoyed them with my worrying, which is less harmful than biting off some creature’s head.
Tonight I don’t know where I am. I practiced insight for a while from fourth jhana, with the rocking and the emptiness of doing being predominant, but felt compelled to go up the jhanic arc. Usually, I don’t get intense bliss raptures anymore, but I did tonight—intense raptures in second jhana, and it was long and hard to move to third. Very unusual for me. There was an undercurrent of this rapture, no matter what jhana I rose to.
Although something about this wasn’t like my usual A&P stages, there was something going on here that was very A&P, or vj2. And, while editing, I just reviewed the signs and symptoms of A&P, and it too has that pain-free regal posture. Last night’s sit was similar–very rich jhanas and intense afterglow. At the same time, I had a lot of “chatter” in my head for the first 15 minutes at least, which is early Equanimity. I was going through a mild Disgust stage a few hours before sitting, or else it was Reobservation–probably was. Reobservation is usually mild for me, mixed with low Equanimity.
I was from the start of the sit also in some sense in Equanimity: I had zero pain, regal posture, and drift into dreaminess. At one point, I seemed in Equanimity, but then I felt this burst of radiance from the heart outward in all directions, boundless. I lost consciousness for what I guess was a second, but it was clear that I lost it, because I jumped back into being there quite notably. No idea if this was a fruition, a state shift, or a head drop. Probably a fruition, but I wasn’t aware of any door or even any insight—just dream drift and then the burst from the heart, not head-centered, sense of mind. This was weird. The energy was of powerful love bulldozing down anything in its path, in all directions.
Afterward I noticed this radiance from the solar plexus, too, which is where personal power energy seems to originate. Okay, so I have the heart, and its bursting forth boundlessly next brings a sense of personal power. What the hell is going on here? What is it that I’m supposed to seeing and learning from this new attention to the chakras? Somehow, the heart’s bursting outward felt so right, so necessary, so not “gunky.” Is this me? Perhaps I want this to be me. Yes, I want this heart-power to be invincible, to be me, to be powerful, to subdue all resistance that pulls up a chair to sit opposite me as someone else.
Don’t tell me I have to vipassanize this. No, not yet.
I sat metta practice at lunchtime Friday, with my workplace sangha. I’d had a lot of Fear stage stuff the past few days, and I have about 5 friends who are all suddenly having serious problems. Today, as the metta went, I started also just feeling the sensations in that heart area—not “processing” them forcefully to something clean, but just letting them be in my awareness, letting them be awareness, and that lightening and transparency happened on its own with a natural shift into the most serene fourth jhana. I was totally afterglowy for literally hours. Amazing sit.
I’ve only lately, at Dream Walker’s urging, started to devote more time to metta. It is protective in so many ways, and instructive in ways I never anticipated in an insight/wisdom context, as well as a powers/conduct training context. Somehow, insight from fourth jhana is getting some kind of boost in a new direction from the intense heart presence in third. I’ll have to follow through on these connections, see what they may mean and what I’m supposed to be doing.
Yeah, I know. I felt like a powerful Love Sorceress. I loved the feeling of embodying that power to love. What kind of weird trip is this, anyway? I have that feeling again that the Dharma is doing me, is showing me something right up in my face—all the while I’m playing dress-up, like I’m the one with the power.
One thing is for sure: This is new terrain.