Exquisite Jhānas and Magick

1:23 AM 

White Tara is born of tears and embodies flame. There you go.

I stopped by the Tibetan shop on the way home from work and bought a print of White Tara.

1:31 AM 

I’m continuing to explore the jhanas. Seventh is stabilizing increasingly, but this weird air hunger does hit there.

Pure Land 1 is awesome. I wonder if anyone else experiences it this way that I do: First there is equanimity. Then after a minute or two, a wave of bliss blooms upward from third chakra up to the heart. When the wave hits the heart, then the gratitude flows out in all directions. Then it bottoms out to equanimity again. Moments pass again, and then a new wave of bliss rises and blooms into gratitude.

I thought this was awfully wrong, that it is broken up into phases, but then I read that Pure Land is actually a hybrid of samatha and vipassana. This state is sweet and easy.

I’m ready to delve into some magickal practices. A bit of an interesting detour ahead, I think.

As DW recommended, I searched for the presence and permanency, I found it, and I relished it completely, But then a funny thing happened: It started being not all-pervasive, but in different areas at different times. Then some other “I” was aware that it was watching this awareness. I don’t think this is clean and dissolved. I was headily regal with the drunkenness of me.

11:31 AM: DreamWalker’s Rejoinder

Hmm, I don’t think I remember saying to relish in your consciousness regally with drunkenness, but hey whatever knocks yer sock off. If wallowing in yourself leads to clarity about who is wallowing within whom, then excellent.

Lock onto anything that seems permanent and feels like “mine mine mine” and concentrate on it with all your attention until it dissolves away. Space is not yours, the sensations of consciousness are not yours either. It is an overlay of identification, a selfing process running that needs to be shut down. (This is to clarify for anyone reading this what my advice entails, Jenny was a bit brief on the details)

Have fun. People (me) take this so seriously, it is a joy to see you doing this with such enjoyment.

~D

11:35 AM: Reply to DreamWalker

My comments about relishing and regal drunkenness weren’t meant to convey that those were my “teacher’s” instructions.  They were meant to convey that I recognized and acknowledge a problem here: I had sort of abandoned the directive and went for the, um, high. But then insight started breaking through after I did so. In other words, I grant that I was likely off assignment, but same difference.

5:49 PM 

God, this jhana stuff is crazy exquisite good. . . . It is easy to understand how this can be addictive. Wow. And now I’m listening to Massive Attack in the afterglow. It doesn’t get much better than this. It is hard to believe that I started this evening and sit out crying, had another hard cry in fourth, which was utterly weird: Like the cry wouldn’t come out but needed to. Odd. And then I drifted off from all that, and BAM the cry came up like some black primordial choked swamp. As  Eliot Smith sings, “Situations get fucked up.”

Candle Flame

I took the flame as object through fourth. Clarity in second was remarkable, sharp resolution. I’m still not getting the red dot, and not much in the way of stable colors with eyes closed; however I’m seeing crazy shapes and images that are wispy, mirror-y. For once brief flash, a very realistic, photographic face flashed up. I’m not sure whose face, but I think it was the photographic face on one of the Tarot cards I drew a few days ago. Oh, it was the Guardian. . . . Hmmm. This is a card of self-protection against exploitation. It is a card of self-healing and sharp discernment of the workings of one’s own mind and power to direct it.

open and on the flame, though, is where I spent the most time. I found pleasure in just being practically in that flame, fused to its white-yellow-orange. Something about just the intense reality of it is so healing.

Third was again remarkable for the jaggedy cracked-ice halo effect, and this time the cool-pool bodily bliss was felt at the same time. And the two were as one.

Fourth, as I say, was remarkable for this dark guttural howling black cry that heaved itself up from my chest. And then spilled the tears: for all the grief, misunderstanding, and purity everywhere at all times. The rays from the flame rose up high as seen through these tears, rose up higher and higher, pulsing vertically with the rhythm of my breath. I started a Tara mantra. The rays made a kind of inverted slowly swirling cone, within which and out of which it seemed a ghostly white goddess was “trying” to form. But it never quite became clearly what it was. Still, I knew something, and it was she.

Extinguished

I blew out the candle, expecting to travel up the formless realms; however, the black primordial cry and the white-orange flame had changed my mind. The visions came on rapidly, morphing in and with the dark. This was when I saw the Guardian face flash, the face protecting me from exploitation. I called up Boundless Space but could barely feel it, and what was there was vibratory. So was thinking, “Okay, insight, then.” I had a fruition in fifth at some point, with a bliss thing trailing blossoms as a wake.

I called up sixth, with eyes closed, but the visions continued. Still, sixth was much clearer than fifth. As DW recommended, I searched for the presence and permanency, I found it, and I relished it completely, But then a funny thing happened: It started being not all-pervasive, but in different areas at different times. Then some other “I” was aware that it was watching this awareness. I don’t think this is clean and dissolved. I was headily regal with the drunkenness of me.

Next, Nothingness. Again—way too sparkly, with red thread and violent flashes of broken mirror here and there.

NPNYN was momentary, very hard to hold.

Pure Land 1 was easier. For me, it started out as a base of equanimity. In a few moments, raptures start blooming. Then BOOM the gratitude kicks in and becomes spacious.

Now finishing off this afterglow and will sleep to rise with my boy to go to a lunchtime sit. Then we are going to Duke Gardens to walk and converse. I love him so.  

 

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