Equanimity Mixed with Mundane Frustration
I tried to sit last night, but I began too late, having stayed up very late over the MCTB2 Equanimity, Path, and Fruition chapter.
My best sits are an hour and 20 minutes long now. Less than that does not give me the flexibility to explore more deeply the jhanas that seem to call for particular exploration during a sit.
Noting my restlessness and weird feelings of disenchantment and renunciation lately, I decided to do a do-nothing (choiceless awareness) sit. My son had some of his homies over, however, and they were loud. Actually, it was only my son who was loud. I stopped twice to ask him to please be quiet, but he kept forgetting. I felt extraordinary frustration, yet also very neutral-y, as if I couldn’t be arsed even to work up a thoroughgoing emotion.
Anyway, to the extent that I sat, there was some of the sweeping, gathering movement of space
through me, out the other side. There were a few profound moments in which the moment almost synced with itself, but my effort or just attention was too pointed. I’m so bored and frustrated that the moment anything half interesting starts up, then I pounce on it, which of course kills it.
In short, I have no idea where I am. My best guess is that I’m sliding back into Reobservation. But this could actually be High Equanimity peering through. It could also be Desire for Deliverance (but those stages are usually cathartic, emotional, and this one is not). It could be Disgust, too, which also shows “Renunciation” on the charts. No idea. It is an odd mix of Equanimity and frustration. After months of feeling magickal, everything is now just very normal, mundane, blah. But it is unpleasant, not Wisdom-like, whatever that means.
I drew Three of Pentacles, reversed. This card has to do with loss of morale. You see the scaffolding in the background and the indolence of the would-be worker. This card warns of projects left unfinished because of doubt and, um, frustration.