Dreams, Outings, Babies, and Liminality: August 2018
I recorded these entries more than a year ago. During the month recorded here, there seems to be a surge in frequency of confidently magical themes and feats. There are also some nondual witnessing dreams. A common theme is my supporting babies and children and encountering liminal land forms and artificial scaffolding. The dreamscapes are fantastically wild. A recurrent theme seems to be my rebelliousness and increasing confidence in the face of spiritual patriarchy and “proprietary Dharma.”
For method at the time, I was working from a theory that I could prime out-of-body experiences (OBEs) by absorbing into the central channel (reviving my old jhana practice to j7). These days, I feel that merely visualizing myself having a lucid experience, remembering it, and recording it works better. It also helps to set a timer to do reality checks throughout the day, or to pray to the lucid sleep goddess throughout the day. It seems to me that the main method is to pay continual attention to dreams and intention to experience lucidity. It is important before bed not to fill your mind with mind pollution from TV or the Internet. Meditate so that the final “content” of the day is the expansive mode of loving awareness. I also like to fall asleep by imagining green dakinis surrounding and protecting me, and my head resting in Siddhartha’s lap. I was also continuing to use binaural beats, but I’m not terribly convinced that they work for me.
Yes, the photo is creepy, but it fits the dreams of babies and disposable artificial structures.
August 1: Dream of Tending the Cosmic Trash Bin
I had a dream in the morning, but most of it, the beginning portions, are lost to recall. I am able to split my consciousness between my day job and another cosmic job. My cosmic job is to watch over a big room of small children who are literally injuring themselves as they run around the room to attack each other. Sometimes the intent is to have fun with others, not attack them, but the result is still self-harm. I watch these two kids climb up on two trashcans and prepare to dive to the cold, hard floor from their perches. I rush over to stop them from their foolishness, but they beat me to the time point. They dive head first to the floor and break both their little necks. I have to go scoop them up and put them in a cosmic recycle bin. My job feels futile.
I’m back at work. My boss appears before me, smiling but sort of creepy and ominous. She asks me if I got a letter from HR. This question immediately makes me afraid I’m being laid off due to cost-cutting severity at work. She tells me to retrieve the letter from HR and let her know if it looks acceptable. I think “severance package.” My emotion is fear and shame that I will have to hurt my family by being let go. But when I retrieve the letter, it is just a list of more work outside my role. The additional work is being dumped on me. So it is only a delay in an overall situation setting me up for failure.
Next, I’m at a gas station. I see John there. He is fueling a vehicle for a long journey. There is a woman with him, but I when I look directly at her all her features disappear. So I cannot identify who this woman is, but she is his companion. I say to John, “Where do you think you are going?” He says, “I have to go away for a long time on a mission.” I say the following: “Please be careful. You cannot change the past and should not. The AUM experiment has to run in accordance with the fundamental process.” I turn around to deal again with my boss. Then when I return my focus to John, he is lying on the ground, unconscious, the gasoline pump is stuck to “on,” and his whole body is saturated with the deadly fuel. I’m alarmed and start running toward him, thinking, “Only a single spark of the burning fire, and he will be lost.” Before I can reach him, I wake up.
August 2: Intense Vibrations for 90 Minutes and Mirror Me
Last night I lay in bed for an hour and a half at 11 p.m. because I was unusually sleepy. I put on Master T. C.’s binaural beats. I didn’t get to sleep, but all body feeling vanished almost immediately. I did not generate a second body. I had some flashings into scenes, but I quickly aborted them because I was afraid of losing my lucidity and getting lost in a dream. I still do not have the balance right between firing intent and then completely trusting and letting go. Normally I’m not afraid of traveling, but this time, too, I sensed some uneasiness, fear of success.
The vibrations were intense all over my body for more than 90 minutes, which is quite an experience. By the way, Master T. C. mentions in one of his lectures that scientists have actually hooked up people to some kind of bio measurement device during astral projection, and the entire body is in physical fact vibrating! That’s pretty fascinating—it is a measurable PMR phenomenon.
The clearest flashing out put me face-to-face with a woman in high-def color-saturated concrete detail. It was me. This mirror experience was too intense, and I was knocked back into in-bed Jenny. Oh well!
August 4: False Awakening and Poisonous Insects
I had dreams Thursday night and last night about John and yogi caves. Many specifics unfolded in those dreams—this I know. But after waking I had no recall. Last night I was napping with the “Sleep” binaural beats. At one point after some fleeting dreams, I opened my dream eyes to my bedroom ceiling from my reclining position in bed. I was somewhat alarmed to see a line of large, scary insects crawling left to right across my field of vision before the ceiling. I realized the strangeness of the bugs and became lucid, and then realized that what had opened were only my nonphysical eyes. I then opened my physical eyes, which revealed the same ceiling, but now devoid of the poisonous-looking bugs crawling across them.
Last night, during second sleep and after reading some about mantrayana in Lama Govinda’s book, I kept dreaming of numbers. Some came to me after I awoke this morning, so I’m not certain I actually dreamed them in the night. However, just for fun, I think I’ll go get a lotto ticket with the numbers 17, 15, 11, 7, and 2.
August 5: Through a Rainbow Tigle Darkly
I woke up at the 3-hour mark after listening to some binaural beats by Tom Campbell—not the ones I usually do, which are just for sleep, but the third-to-last one, which is one for going out of body. I very rapidly felt the vibrations of my body, with no boundaries of body. I was trying to relax through them. I was definitely not awake—either in a late part of hypnagogia or even dreaming.
I see before me a gigantic rigpa tigle, which I call rainbow tigle. These are circles with self-illuminated center and concentric rings around the center. Each ring is a different color of the rainbow. This one takes up my entire visual field. I think, “These cannot be this big, so I must be dreaming.” I remember how I tell the dead in bardo practice to move through the colored spheres to various incarnation options. I decide to move through this rainbow tigle.
Before bed, I had set the intention to receive teaching. But now that I am asleep, what I want is my old show dog basset hound Homer. I see my dog run up to me. I hug him, pick him up, and hold him. I feel his velvety fur. It is healing.
Everything changes and becomes a little strange. I am kind of in my house but sometimes my mother’s house, morphing. It is nighttime, or advanced dusk, and I am looking out the bay window at the back yard. I am noticing that the high tree branches are shaking and shimmering, that stuff is falling down and breaking or messing up belongings on the ground. I look up to find the source and see a huge black panther with glowing eyes.
I go to tell others in the kitchen. We had been trying to solve mysteries of things that had been ruined for us in our pasts. There is some man with suspenders on, not sure who. But then he changes into Geoff. I walk over to Geoff and hold him in my arms, telling him that everything is going to be fine. I walk back to the window to look, but the one black panther is now two shrews, such as the ones in the Costa Rica. Then they change into gatos solos. The gatos solos run away and straight up a stairway of clouds in the sky.
Now I am on my back on the carpet and flowing around to different rooms as if on a river raft. My sister Jill is doing the same in other rooms, and we are drawing a figure 8, from a birdseye point of view. I come to a stop, sit up, and see Martine there. I say to her, “Your mother hurt you. Is her name Laura?” Martine says, “No, Victoria.”
Suddenly, I am nowhere, just disembodied, nonlocated awareness. But then I start rerunning my dreams from Thursday night, the ones with John. From within this current superlucid dream, because I am rerunning the former dream simulation, I am able to recall details I had forgotten in the waking. Specifically, I was at a retreat center with John, and he was teaching a weird yoga class. I showed up and he told me to go put on my yoga clothes like the other people had on. So I did. But when I was back in the yoga studio, I looked down and saw with horror that I was naked (although slim!). I immediately overturned a round table and crouched behind it as if to shield myself. I started shouting out to John, “I’m not going to participate in your creepy cult exercises!” He ignored me and went ahead with teaching everyone else while I studied how to dash out unseen.
Then I saw that I was in a juice bar at the tropical location. Everything I ordered, though, resulted in something different being brought to me. So I ordered mango juice, but the waiter brought me a cheddar scone.
The dream-within-the-dream was around John and thwarted expectations. More interesting than the content is that I was able to recall the earlier dream from within this superlucid dream, whereas I was unable to recall those details in the previous waking. This is a new instance of dream memory, which is just the most impressive happening! Dream memory renders the mind perfectly consistent, present, and rational, with steady easy access to the entire mind database (conscious and subconscious) even when the dreamscape waxes bizarre. It is far beyond merely realizing that the dream is a dream and far beyond being able to influence it. It is a level of conscious being that exceeds that of the waking consciousness; it staddles and includes both worlds.
August 7: Car Crash Test Dream (Again)
I’ve not been keen on recording anything, mainly because I have been extremely fatigued and weak the past 5 or 6 days. Apparently this is because I went off my ketogenic diet during the retreat (actually had a cocktail when out with John because I was in an escapist mood while with him). Going back on the diet has wrecked my energy. I read that I need Vitamin B5 to help convert to burning ketones in absence of sugar.
I did have another flashing out from hypnagogia the other night to driving in my car through the intersection of High House and Cary Parkway. A black pickup truck was turning left opposite me and was about to plow into me when I jumped up to wakefulness out of the dream. So apparently I’ve not yet fully passed this test. T. C. says when the test has been passed, then the dream repetitiions end.
August 8: Vibrations but No Memory on Waking
I’ve been following Charlie’s instructions, but nothing much has changed yet. I am getting arupa and strong vibrations. But then I wake in the morning with no memory but just a sense that a lot happened. One unusual happening was that in the middle of the night I opened my eyes and found the vibrations of my body were matched by a visual oblong patch of white light over my head: The light was “vibrating” static at the same rate as my bodily vibration. I continue to be so extremely fatigued that if it doesn’t correct itself in the next day or so, then I may have to go to the doctor. I plan to get some Vitamin B5 tonight. I can hardly sit up.
Comment more than 1 year later: In July 2019, a year after all the fatigue began, I was diagnosed with reactivated Epstein-Barr virus after very strange, intense symptoms began in June. I am glad I mentioned in my journals how fatigued I was and when it began. It seemed to begin when my thyroid brand was changed and dose lowered. I suspect that the thyroid change has had a lot to do with the background fatigue. I think I’m mostly past the worst of the EBV illness, but I’m told I may have significant fatigue for another year.
August 9: Self as Dispenser of Secret Mantras to Disciples
I fell asleep immediately from keto flu exhaustion while listing to Master T. C.’s binaural beats. The vibrations started as soon as I lay down. I had some complicated and significant dreams, but I recall almost nothing. I was in some kind of order and wore some red cloth at my throat. I was talking with Noah. I was walking in front of two groups of disciples gathered in front of yogi caves. I was dispensing a secret mantra to the disciples. I knew that I was doing so in accordance with a plan formed during a past life. There was a lot more, conversations, but I currently cannot recall.
Kerry still isn’t home and it is 4:23. However, I’m so weak that I will likely fall asleep again immediately. I’ll resolve to remember the lost parts of this experience. John, Lama Govinda, and Master D. K. figured in the dream somehow.
I was in an order of Rosicrucianism in that dream, I believe. And now just stumbled on a link with Theosophy:
Campbell noted that for non-Theosophists, the claims regarding the existence of the Masters are among the weakest made by the movement. Such claims are open to examination and potential refutation, with challenges to the existence of the Masters therefore undermining Theosophical beliefs. The idea of a brotherhood of secret adepts had a long pedigree stretching back several centuries before the foundation of Theosophy; such ideas can be found in the work of the Rosicrucians, and [were] popularised in the fictional literature of Edward Bulwer-Lytton. The idea of having messages conveyed to a medium through by spiritually advanced entities had also been popularised at the time of Theosophy’s foundation through the Spiritualist movement.
August 11: Brief OBE and Later Hazy Dream of Dispensing Musical “Juice”
After bardo practice for Virginia, I was too sleepy and careless to do in-bed resolution mantras or a dream plan. I put on binaural beats and quickly began sinking. From hypnagogia, I had the thought that I wanted to get out of bed and go sit on my cushion to try arupa jhana (j7). I swung my feet to the side of my bed, arose, and walked over to my meditation cushion. Then I realized I was in my second body. The realization snapped me back into my coarse body, and I sunk into stupid sleep. I don’t recall that any vibrations preceded this OBE, but I quickly was in hypnagogia, so maybe too out of it to realize that they were happening. I still don’t know exactly what successfully triggers OBE, and I don’t know how to keep my surprise at being OBE from aborting the mission. I guess success is just going to be sporadic like this for a while.
I know I was dreaming throughout the night, but recall no stories. I woke up in the morning, went to get a snack and pee, and then went back to bed with “I Am the Dreamer” and binaural beats. I had a hazy dream that I kept visiting two different juice bars. One was more commercial, open, and light. The other was darker, cooler, smaller, locally owned, and hip. Both had jukeboxes. Both had signs with an equal sign (=) in the name. The = for the dark juice bar was closed up with the surrounding words. The one at the light juice bar had character spaces surrounding it.
In both places, but especially the dark one, I would hack into the jukeboxes and make free copies of the songs, which had magical spells infused into them once I touched the files. I would go to the restroom stall and spirit the songs out to certain people who needed healing. The songs were Beach House songs. When I was at the light juice bar, my sister Jill showed up. She was in advanced pregnancy and showing me her bare belly, tight with the baby inside. Somehow I became concerned that the baby’s heart might not be beating. I wanted to ask her if she felt the baby move. Then I realized that my sister Jill is too old to have children, never had any, and never planned to. This triggered a few moments of lucidity, but the lucidity was quickly lost to dream haze.
I was next out on the side of the road on Airport Blvd. I realized that needed to choose between the two juice bars, and I was drawn to the dark, cool, small, hip one, not the commercial one. I also remembered that my license had been revoked by some cosmic force or being, so I could not drive my car, which was left at the body shop on Airport Blvd. I was not supposed to have access to the modern mantras (Beach House songs). Defiantly, I resolved to keep hacking into the repository of songs, juicing them up, and sending them out “illegally.” I also resolved to fly through the sky back to the dark bar, and so I did.
August 14: Babies on the Shore
I experienced a lot of vibrations last night, but no OBE. I did have a partial success with incubated dream plan. I drew a picture of a shoreline and someone in a robe transmitting teachings to me there. I dreamed last night of such a place. Big fat babies kept floating to shore from an ocean, or walking on the beach and falling down. It seemed my job to pick them up and sit them upright beside me on the beach. Some yogi caves were nearby, as in my dream plan drawing. Babies/children versus patriarchy figured in my tarot card reading heavily, which may explain the dream signs.
August 16: Bright White Comet Peaceful Mandala
I’m still unable to recall much from my nighttime. Last night I was listening to a new release by the School of Dreaming. All I remember is that, at one point, a bright white comet-like white peaceful mandala zoomed up toward my face. It was blindingly bright, sizzling, with a long comet tail. Then a stream of light from it started shooting forward toward my heart. I was stunned, so the surprise brought me back to coarse level, waking. I’m not sure what state I was in when this happened. The audio had faded out of my consciousness, but while the comet mandala was burning forth, I was aware that it was in the space of the bedroom and that I was in bed. It was like I was seeing through closed eyelids again. I’m guessing this was late hypnagogia.
August 19: Dreams of Daniel and Dream Intervention by Jim
I had dreams of Daniel. Jim kept barging in to provide commentary/advice mid-dream on managing interactions with Dream Daniel. Sort of funny, but details lost. Jim always appears in my dreams as a floor manager to correct questionable situations.
August 20: Brief OBE “Lessons” at Shoreline Caves
I had a decently lengthy sit last night: bardo for Virginia, arupa jhana (j7 and still unable to get j8), Statements of what I want to manifest and why, and experimental guru yoga with Tom Campbell as the exemplar. I was in tears at one point, but not tears of frustration—just tears of devotion, faith, and intent intensity. Interestingly, allowing Tom Campbell in had its own “flavor,” and his light didn’t descend lower than the heart. I have the same experience with the sleep goddess—nothing goes lower than the heart. John instructs descent through all the chakras. After all of this, I formed the intent to meet with Tom or his designees in NPMR in order to see the truth of the larger reality. I made statements of No Fear. Then I counted on mala 21 mantra recitations about meeting my guides and recalling all that transpired during the night.
Then I went to bed with a playlist consisting of Tom’s binaural beats for OBE and then Tom’s track to promote sleep. During the first track, which is more than an hour long, I remained aware of being in bed and unsure I was sleeping. However, I did have several quick flashes OBE that I recalled as soon as I was snapped back into coarse body. I resolved there to remember them in the morning, and I did. The flashing out happened in what I guess was hypnagogia,
In the dream, I remembered having dreamed the night before and at least one other time of a specific natural scene with trees and caves near a shore (actually, now that I think of it, this was the scene I drew in my last dream plan). I was suddenly in the scene again as POV before the caves. I wasn’t positive I had my second body. When I checked, this little fear arose. The fear was related to concern that if I left my coarse body and entered another body that the second body might not be “me.” In other words, there was this strange little fear about entering another entity and remaining possessed. I don’t remember the embodied or localized formless presence of any guides, but just a vague sense that I was receiving lessons. I snapped back into my body at the fear. Then the sequence repeated slowly so that I could zoom in and see that moment of fear. All of this was hazy.
I’m surprised I remember any of it. My in-situ memory seems to be better than my waking recall. In fact my waking recall seems to be better when the first recall is from within a dream or upon waking briefly when snapped back in body. I haven’t had time to process this new information about a limiting fear. I’ll have to think about it and what to do about it.
August 25: Babies, Scaffolding, Hospital, Recording, and Panama Paul
I went back to sleep after being up almost an hour this morning, with a blindfold on for blacking out light. I had what seemed to be one continuous dream but without a coherent plot. It was like a jumble of micro-impressions or micro-moments with people. They were as follows:
1. I saw a baby about a year old fall about 6 feet from some scaffolding from which my point of view was looking. I was surprised to see the baby push himself up and toddle away. This was extremely vivid and more like OBE than like dream. The scaffolding was inferred; the floor and wall were tan, nondescript.
2. I was in someone’s home, maybe a retreat. Then I was at the hospital over someone—I think my mother, who is 79 and is having some kind of problem with her esophagus. When I finally found a place to park at the hospital, I was then in the hospital and started to record a conversation with my mother when I was suddenly at the parking garage again.
3. Now I had to go through some kind of reality obstacle course to get back to my mother, and I was somewhat annoyed and feeling urgency to get to her, lest she be in danger. The first obstacle was literally a scaffold some man was making me climb. I was arguing with him that I had already passed this test before, but he made me climb anyway because this scaffolding was rickety, with some beams and platforms missing. The choice was between preserving my own safety or being allowed to see my mother in hospital. So I started climbing. I think after some initial unease I had just enough lucidity to think that this couldn’t be a real trap, for it didn’t make sense as a hospital policy (reality testing, yay!)
4. I was allowed into the hospital after jumping from the top of the scaffold down to the parking lot near the hospital entrance. Strangely, I was not that concerned about jumping from a great height. Just like the toddler from the OBE, I guess I knew I could rise up unscathed. Once in the hospital with my mother, I found that I couldn’t continue recording our conversation because I couldn’t find my phone with MP3 recorder. A woman with dark curly hair told me to go into the nursery to find a recorder.
5. I went into the hospital nursery but there were only two kids in there. A couple of mothers were discussing the pros and cons of a cute little wooden chair for toddlers. I recommended that they buy that chair, that I had a similar one for Kerry when he was small and had great use of it.
6. I went to the toybox to search for a recorder. I didn’t see one and wondered if this were another test. The dark-haired woman came over and pulled out a black plastic ball that was segmented into revolving numbered slices, like a bicycle combination lock on a chain. The woman knew the right combination and started telling me it, but I couldn’t do it right. She took it and unlocked it for me and said to speak into it and it would record my conversations and experience. I said, “This is a recording device, really?” She nodded. This device looked like one of those divination balls we all played with in the 1970s, where you would ask it a question, shake it, and a “yes,” “no,” “maybe,” or “try again” message would float up on the side of a die from liquid to a little window in the top of the ball.
7. I then was able to return to my mother to have her record stories from her life. However, some vague hospital official appeared and stopped me, saying that first I had to repeat the story of my relationship and conflict with Daniel. This was yet another test. I told the whole story into the black 8 ball, which was tedious and seemed pointless. Then, finally, I was able to focus on my mother, although the hospital part of the dream is not recalled beyond this point.
8. Suddenly I was back in the home where the dream started. I was on a landing midway up a staircase, where a window was on the landing. There was my dear and dangerous friend Paul Kane looking as he did when we were 20. I hugged him tight and held him a good while. We both shed tears on reuniting. I said, “Paul, you were in Panama more than a decade; should Kurt and I move there?” Paul said, “No, you two do not want to be there.” I said, “Where were you living.” He said, “All over, lastly in Boquete.” That doesn’t seem correct, though, because I think Waking Paul was near the Canal, running tour boats. I love Paul even though he foolishly almost killed me in a car accident when I was 18.
August 27: Out of Body
I remember lifting through my body and above the bed several times in the night, and being in another scene briefly even though I cannot remember details of the scene or narrative. I also remember encountering some sort of teacher who explained why, right now, I can’t recall my nighttime adventures. I don’t remember those specifics, either, beyond the fact that I was given a reasonable reason.
August 29: Painting the Hot Desert Water-Color Cool with Kim-Marie
Exhausted, I lay down after work and slept from around 9 p.m. to around 11 p.m. I dreamed of Kim-Marie. We are in a vast, edgeless desert, just we two. The sun is blindingly bright white and hot hot hot! Kim-Marie had this idea that we should dance, chant, and wave our arms around to paint cooler colors into the sky. I was willing to try, so we began dancing, chanting, and throwing our arms around. When we did, gigantic splotches of water-colors landed on the sky and began to cool the desert heat and dispel mirages. The water-colors were dusky blue, pink, peach, and violet.
This concludes August 2018.
I Will (No Man’s Land)
I will lay me down
In a bunker underground
I won’t let this happen to my children
Meet the real world coming out of your shell
With white elephants, sitting ducks
I will rise up
Little baby’s eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes
Little baby’s eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes
Little baby’s eyes, eyes eyes