Desire for Deliverance
I sat for 1.5 hours. I was trying to work on concentration since Bill advised that I get my concentration strong before the mahamudra retreat. I wasn’t terribly distracted at any point, but I feel these jhana were soft. There was no afterglow. The most intense one was second, which is highly unusual for me: a lot of highly energetic bliss there.
I spent a long time in fourth but couldn’t get it past mushy and soft—no nimitta. I had several of those blippy discontinuities–one out of eighth jhana with a pretty grand wave of bliss. Still, these things are such a disappointment compared to the astounding fruition of stream entry!
God, I’m complaining a lot lately. Sorry!
I’m frustrated that I can’t see the 6 doors at all, let alone clearly. Sometimes there is a twisting before the blip, but that is it. And no restart. I feel that my meditation practice is no longer improving but actually unraveling. And I’m almost afraid of sitting, feeling I’ll be disappointed.
Even though I should probably work on concentration, I may go back to “just sitting” with absolutely no expectations.
I’m thinking that I should start going more deeply into magick, if for no other reason than that my resolutions and intent might “take” better with regard to mediation results. And having a new project might take some of the expectation pressure off my meditation practice. I need to talk to Elizabeth about choosing a tradition, the implications, and so on.
I’ve not known where I am since early May. My best guess is ñ9.ñ10.j2.j3, meaning I’m in a rather long-term Desire for Deliverance, with a Reobservation micro-stage starting, raptures of second jhana, and third jhana below that.
I drew Eight of Pentacles, reversed. This card in this position is simply remarking that I’m being very unproductive at work, which is true. I may be at a dead end with regard to my job.