Dark Heart /Light Touch

This is a version of a post in my private journal, Heartlighted, edited here mainly to exclude details of my formal practice.

It is Monday, and I’m fine today – really fine, in fact. But all weekend I felt exhausted, matching the rainy lightless skies. I experienced some acute sadness and dread yesterday, especially, after someone messaged me a copy of Daniel’s announcement that he will soon send MCTB2 to his publisher. I’m dreading looking through public version, because it will resurface old wounds, as well as be tedious and time-consuming. Yet I will have to set aside time for this chore to ensure that my work has not been appropriated in the new version without crediting me.

I’ve also had some struggles within myself over the young man I’ve been trying to help. I was surprised to watch very intense feelings of guilt arise when I denied him something that in fact might have harmed him and in the past did in fact land him in the hospital. So, not only am I codependent, but also I’m an enabler codependent? This is surprising, and so it goes that these days I’m burrowing down into the deepest wounds of my existence with final insight. It is equally interesting to watch myself not be led into temptation by these sensations and yet see the feelings evaporate as soon as I sit still and merely recall the natural state. 

My practice is like so:

  1. Current formal esoteric practice in Epsom salt bath with candles
  2. Guru yoga (on dry land and cushion)
  3. Invocation of the Four Guests
  4. Saying the Prayer of Kuntuzanpo aloud (weepy through some of it)
  5. Yin yoga poses held while surrendering in meditation to the almost-painful intensity and release
  6. Another session of main formal practice

Last night I also held my hand under my reading lamp and saw the light emitting again. I looked at Kurt’s hands under lamplight, too. His also had some light flowing from them, but it was much fainter and shorter than the rays coming from my hands. 

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