Fractal Stages and Dream of Daniel at the Whiteboard
All right. At least I know where I am now. I assume I’m in Review, since I finished that whacky 3-week cycle off with a pretty major fruition. However, why I’m still in Equanimity I’ve not a clue. Shouldn’t I have gone back to A&P? I guess I don’t understand how Review phases work.
Tonight I was clearly in the mini-dark-night of Equanimity, with raptures and vibrations coming through as the third-level aspect. I felt fine, with no pain, and fairly deep states, although they kept being disrupted somewhat, or there was crossing back and forth between insight and jhanas in a way that didn’t make for a coherent sit, but it was okay.
Raptures and fear came on in second jhana, with a long climb to fourth. Boundless Space and Boundless Consciousness remain increasingly difficult for me to tell apart; however, Space, though it took a while to get going, was nice tonight: I didn’t push or pull, but spaciousness just happened without much direction. Conciousness—I had to back off the pushing, because I have a tendency to want to push it outward, but it is worthwhile waiting for “it” to show up. This seems like more of a “no-self” way of “doing” the jhanas. Interesting lessons.
I need to post a question [in the Dharma Underground] about self and jhana. It keeps coming up.
Occasionally, I would open my eyes, or not, and be down with that awareness-space wave-rocking. I tried very hard to surrender, which is pretty pathetic of me to say, but true. I tried to just let things be. Why is it so hard for me to refrain from interfering? Finally, understanding that I’m in the mini-dark-night, not High Equanimity, I finally just sort of relaxed. I wasn’t waiting, but I wasn’t surrendering, either. I feel almost too neutral emotionally.I had an easy time getting Nothingness, which was vibratory, but a very hard time getting eighth. I could get most everything, but had a hard time staying anywhere, even though I wasn’t restless or in any pain. Nor was I frustrated or bored. I was fine all day, too.
I started really cleaning up my diet to the way it was before I became so displaced from such concerns by all the extra work [on MCTB2]. It feels good—just exercise, sleep, and food.Sit was 1 hour and 25 minutes. I would like to do morning sits, too, but I’m so short on time.
I’ve not gotten much in the way of afterglow for quiet a while. I feel I’m being pulled to the vipassana side of practice.
The Moon: Dream of Daniel at the Whiteboard
I drew Moon, reversed. The picture shows watery Pisces, which is emotional (like this Pisces), and the dark side of the unconscious, meaning nightmares, obsessions with dreams, delusion, or deceit. The mermaids are downing the gullible sailors. I did in fact have strange dreams last night.In one part of one of the dreams,Daniel is standing at a whiteboard and writing out all these equations that I cannot for the life of me understand. I think he is explaining them in Japanese or something, too, just to annoy me. Then the whiteboard suddenly flashes, like a camera flash, blinding me, and then everything stays white. I find that I just kept sailing through the whiteness., as though floating though empty space.
I woke up at that point, kind of shaken for some reason, not knowing where I was and feeling like I had been snapped out of some other entire reality. Some of this was probably because I had a meeting yesterday at work to discuss my views on equation style for our books, and partly because I was on Daniel’s personal website, which does have that crazy equation at the top. Daniel says dreams with white lights are the A&P. But I have been in Equanimity for days—although I cannot understand why, since, yes, I should have been back down with the A&P after finishing that last badass cycle. Nothing has felt the least bit A&P for weeks, except this one dream. Puzzling.