A Soft Parade of Circulating Body Fields
In Equanimity. Little in the way of emotions is arising now, except some gratitude toward dharma friends and those in teaching roles, that kind of metta.
Sensing Space Far beyond Myself
Sits are so spacious now that they are somewhat bizarre. In fact, the spaciousness actually obtrudes on my notice during the day, too. It is a good thing that it is so pleasant, if odd.
It is odd that “I” would be able to sense all this space, far beyond my body. It find of makes sense for hearing and seeing, since we are used to those senses beyond extended, but what exactly is this spaciousness? In what way, exactly, through what senses, am I now so convincingly directly aware of all this space, as in more aware of it than of my own body? Upon investigation, all I can find to explain this sensation is some kind of dropping away of the usual.
I cannot tell where the space ends. With my eyes open, it is very broad and extends in all directions, though not at the same time. With eyes closed, body goes away, so then felt space feels boundless, meaning who knows what — with no end apparent. When I ask, “Does this extend across the street?” The question simply makes no sense because there are no “streets” or “neighborhoods” in the dimension of space I’m sensing. There are no objects apart from space, no reference markers. So what is this space if not itself an object?
Circulation of Popping-In and Popping-Out Body Fields
Okay, so what about the line between the space and “me”? Well, now, this is interesting. No “line,” but instead pockets of body fields coming into awareness and popping out of awareness, such that the whole Jenny body is not felt at once, but is felt as a parade of circulating body fields. So, basically, my body is not even experienced as one thing ever but is one thing only when I reconstruct it retroactively by patching back together all those popping-in and popping-out body fields. In some sense, this reconstructive process is harder than meditation practice now.
Much of my former interior and superficial skin sense is just gone much of the time and, if I pay attention, clearly so. In their stead, smaller fields are circulating more slowly, sparsely, which enables me to see through some of this whole-body retrospective mapping easily. With the usual boundares gone, the undulation of space currents that are neither inside nor outside me predominate.
As for intention — I played with this again in terms of attention. I tried really feeling into what it was to turn my attention. This is just such an odd exercise, with bizarre felt results. Waiting for intention to arise pure and clear is fruitless. So if I turn my gaze, for example, there is again a ratcheting sensation as I experience that the intention is superimposed only retroactively. This instantly makes my movement creepy, dreamlike. It is less fraught with effort to move body or gaze during sits if I drop into assuming that intention is unnecessary and that the body does what it does. Applying intention with the arrow-of-time going in one direction is wretchedness.
Just for fun — I wasn’t going to mention this, but I have this old Tarot deck from the 1980s that my husband gave me when we married. It is not a “real” proper deck with the proper symbols but some kind of Jungian deck, though it does contain the right number, arcana, and so forth. I don’t care. I’ve toyed with it from time to time as a kind of mirror. Well, for the third day in a row, when I drew a card for insight into my practice and life in general, I drew the card called Equanimity. Three days in a row.
Enough said. Some shift is under way.