Dreams, Dream Memory, and Other Outings: July 2018
It has been more than a year since I recorded the following journal entries privately. What strikes me overall is how prescient the unease and visions were. July 2018 was the beginning of the ending of a major life cycle whose aftermath is still playing out. In short, the unit for which I worked began threatening us with layoffs and worse, but it was another year before the layoff came, freeing me to write and teach the Dharma. Even more significantly, my relationship with my former teacher and would-be coauthor began to go through major quakes in July 2018. The cycle came to an end with what I call the Pink Moon Shift of March 2019, but that story is for another time . . . if for any time at all.
July 1: Dream of Beginning to Teach
I have been extremely fatigued, sleepy, and unmotivated since Thursday evening (it is Sunday now). I have also had several visual scintillating scatoma migraine auras, numbness in my fingers, dizziness, vibrating head, and depersonalization (feeling like I am not the one moving my body). These are all unpleasant symptoms that I’ve experienced many times since my first migraine aura at age 12. However, I’m on preventive medication, which usually works nearly 100%, so I’m stumped what is triggering this sickness. It may be the protein powder in some Quest bars I bought (I normally avoid protein isolate like the Plague). But two other possibilities are that I ran out of my usual thyroid pills and had to take some old ones of a different brand, and I ran out of inositol midweek. Inositol raises availability of serotonin, so it acts like an antidepressant. Serotonin fluctuations are involved in the cortical cascade that triggers migraine.
I’ve been unmotivated to practice anything. I thought I have been open to lucid dreaming, but I’ve noticed as I’m falling asleep that I’m actually choosing oblivion to rid myself of all the highly unpleasant sick symptoms.
On all nights, I’ve had numerous dreams. My sense is that they were clear, if not lucid, but my energy upon waking has been so low that I’ve let the dream memories go, not recalling or reconstituting them, and not caring about them.
One fragment I do remember is a flag-draped casket on the lawn in front of the White House.
In another dream this morning, I am in some kind of lodge that has been turned into a school. It is in a mountainous region with many rivers and waterfalls crisscrossing beneath its perch on a high peak. I keep being late to classes and then realizing I am no longer a student because I finished those classes years ago. Now I am in a bedroom suite with Kurt. He turns on a TV and shows me that he can get character stats on anyone we know. I decide to use this ability to try to give people what they are lacking in positive characteristics. I ask Kurt if I can do that through this interface. He says no, that I have to do it in PMR, in real time. So I set out on a quest to do so. I leave out the front door of the lodge and begin my journey on a path with many treacherous ups and downs over ravines thick with water mists. At one point, I realize I left something in the lodge, so I turn around. I can’t return the way I came, however. I return by way of a far more treacherous path.
Above me, on the way, I see a teacher and some young people crossing with their bicycles on a path perpendicular to mine. They are far above a steep decline. Suddenly I see one of the young people’s front wheel slide sideways off the path. The kid and bike fall into the ravine, to the kid’s death. I am momentarily upset. But then, in my desire to help the survivors, I am suddenly high on the perch with them. Then all of us are safely back in the schoolhouse lodge. I have transported them instantly out of my motivation. I am not upset about the kid who died. I know that death is just another journey. Someone at the lodge asks me to stay and teach, also making me in charge of people heading out on a trail for which they are not ready.
July 2: Becoming Lucid to Waking Visions within the Dream
Ah, I normally do not have these experiences anymore, but used to frequently, about twice or thrice a week. This one was different, though, in its hyper-reality.
I was lying in bed with insomnia last night. The now usual intense OBE vibrations began, and I thought through what I wanted to learn if Tom or other guides would show up. I’m always wanting to know what I need to realize. But I was mainly, I think, wanting to know how to let go of the anxiety I feel when Kerry is late from a night drive on the Interstate from out of state, which was the case last night as he drove home from Atlanta, where he placed in a tournament. I don’t remember receiving any answers about my Kerry-safety fears. But, interestingly, before I could finish formulating intent, I noticed some Northern Lights kind of flashes behind closed eyes. I opened my physical eyes and continued to see the flashes just the same, which was interesting but not that unusual for me at night. I decided to see-out for as long as possible to observe the boundary between out there and the in here of dreaming.
I saw one of the flashes open into a veil of light. Then visions of tigles, nets, thousand-petaled lotuses, and lattices of light filled the veil of light, which filled my entire visual field. I would blink or shift my eyes, and the visions persisted. All this time, I felt awake and surprised that the lights and colors were so clear above my bed.
After a couple of minutes of seeing-out this way, I started thinking. I started wondering why I could see-out to this veil of light and figures without a secondary “real” light source. I have seen figures many times in the dark, so that wasn’t exactly new, but something was different this time. The appearances were hyper-real, high-def, and responsive to movement of my physical eyes. There was no question in my mind that I was awake, because I was moving my eyes, could see the bedroom, and was wanting (and failing) to fall asleep.
Suddenly, I had the thought that these visions could not possibly be displaying out in my bedroom this way without some secondary physical light source. As soon as I thought this thought, I understood this experience to be a dream. As soon as I understood it to be a dream, the entire light show vanished to blackness, as if suddenly snuffed completely out. Despite all this, I rose from my bed, feeling like I hadn’t gotten to sleep. I went downstairs for a snack and to retrieve the audio, “I Am the Dreamer,” and then went to bed again, this time drifting off to the audio meditation.
This was a lesson delivered to me on what I need to realize. It was also further deconstruction of the presumed subtle remaining difference between seeing-out and seeing-in. It is this presumed difference that makes sleep a last stand of perceptual ignorance.
July 5: Green Dreams
I had numerous dreams last night (Tuesday night, I mean), and they were clear, but when I woke up my memory of them melted like cotton candy in the noonday sun. All I know is that I was in some kind of house far away and doing some kind of work for the Dharma. Jim was there in the house. The main detail was that all the walls were shockingly green. I woke up this morning several times, and my teal colored bedroom walls looked bright true green for a few seconds before resolving to teal. Then I would fall asleep again, and there would be the true green walls again. They were virtually screaming at me. There was also a stretch of lucid awareness with no narrative, just the color green. I had a green dream in 2015.
To dream of green signifies a go-ahead or wealth/money. The dream felt like it had something to do with retirement, doing dharma in a house or retreat center after retirement. Not sure of the connection to money, but maybe. A friend mentioned in some note I just read from him that there is a lot of money being flashed or flowing at the Boulder retreat taught by our teacher. I wonder if that is what entered my dream as a sign of something.
Comment 1 year later: Yes, it was a sign of money flowing through the fingers of the Millionaire Club in Boulder.
July 5: More Green Dreams, Jim, and Exploding External Hard Drive
Last night in my concentration on John, visions arose of what is eating at him and what is going to start happening soon. Basically, he is money drawing and diving into dharma politics to get what he needs to go in a new direction. What came to me is that there may be financial, as well as other, consequences of the new direction, which is the source of internal strife presently. He wants to build enlightened society in the woods somewhere landlocked. The vision didn’t show my being included in the way I’ve been hoping, because he will be too busy for the next few years to keep his commitment to me.
Heading into sleep, I wrote out the same incubation I used for accessing these visions on my cushion. I placed the writing under my pillow. The same images of me, Jim, and green walls of some building came up again, just the same as Tuesday night. I do not recall any narrative, and no clear image of John, but just the feeling that all the images are connected with, coming from, John’s persistent dream of enlightened society.
Toward morning a new image appeared: It looked like this black external hard drive that Kerry and I use to back up and exchange music files, only bigger. The black box shape was entangled in black cables with with multiple USB connections on the ends. This image appeared emphatically in front of paling green walls. Then it exploded—not with noise or flame, but just popped into a million pieces. This explosion also exploded the dream and marked blocked access to further information at this time.
July 5: John in Chair, Whitewashed Wood, Blue Cross, and Iron Claw
I sat in some unspecified formless jhana last night (j7 is all I distinguish anymore). Gone was the cool dark soil and woods scene. Gone was the green. What arose was more like a beach scene. The electric blue cross outline was a repeating and insistent image. John was clear and sitting in an Adirondack chair outdoors, near a coast. A black iron clawfoot was dragged across the vision twice. Yes, I know. Pretty strange. Maybe this is an alternative future. No idea, really. I will likely spend a lot of time in structured divination this weekend, but I will not be passive. I will form and hold forth clear intent. Regardless, I feel a shitstorm coming.
Dreams were a continuation of being somewhere else, in a building, conducting some kind of collaboration concerning dharma. Jim was present. The green was gone. Wow. It turned black as hell here and began storming like the building would explode.
July 8: Intense Comedown from a Retreat I Didn’t Attend
This isn’t a dream. I stayed up till 5:30 in the morning, practicing some of that time. I had initially planned to do divination by going into jhana and central channel. But I saw a recording on my phone of a sit that lasted about an hour and half. I knew that the end of that recording was intense. I remembered John’s once saying something to me on retreat about my knowing what was causing something, and it was my chronic fear of abandonment. Then at the end of the sit that came afterward, I was sitting to the side and bit in back of John. I knew that his words before and during the guided meditation were aimed at me, directly at me.
Last night, or this morning, I was sitting on my cushion and talking aloud to myself, trying to suss out why I’ve been so edgy and intense all week around John and whatever has been going on in Boulder. As I meditated, I felt my my solar plexus beating hard, like a second heart. I kept resting in while it unwound, but the thumping never stopped. It was fierce. I understood that this solar plexus vibrancy was connected to horrible feelings of anger, possessiveness, and something like jealousy. I hated myself for feeling these petty things. I’m not at all prone to jealousy or envy, but, strangely, it is the main stain I notice in my character lately. It may be that it is just easier to notice now because other, grosser negative emotions have been worked out and released more and now I have to deal with this more subtle level of selfishness.
I remembered what John taught me about third chakra, that it is where rage and terror reside as an unresolved duality. Third chakra is the site of terror that is social in nature—fear of abandonment, banishment. I listened to the recorded meditation. And when the end came again, I burst into sobs. I realized that my anger was really terror that whatever John’s plans for the future are, they will not include me, that this book will not happen, and that he is having dinner with me on July 26 to tell me so. Of course, the mirror site that arose was Daniel, and my hurt, grief, and anger at him for banishing me and destroying our work. If John did that to me, I would be so crushed I couldn’t even go on in dharma anything.
My theory is that I have, without trying, been pulling energy from the Boulder retreat all week, too, that it isn’t all just my own anger and fear, but something coursing through the sangha, something coursing through John himself. So, in the spirit of John’s words here, may we all hold one another as the storm passes.
July 9: Dream Memory—New Level of Lucidity
I keep staying up far too late, out of something I’m avoiding. I think I have an intensity hangover and feel the desire to ground down and take a break from Dharma Everything, including intent-driven powering up. Even though I say I feel exhausted and averse, I also feel dissociated from the feelings. This is no different from my feelings in general the past year: There is a cleaving of my feelings from my investment of core in those feelings. I still feel, but it isn’t exactly Jenny who is feeling the feelings. The feelings are just colors that come and go. Even recognizing emptiness as what this is, oddly enough, can feel like a vampiric draining of effort, from which I’m also strangely staying detached. Like I cannot escape dharma or emptiness. It is sometimes as if I’m moving too fast and thoroughly into emptiness. I’m not afraid of it. It is more like caution that I not miss any part of the journey and all its transitional lessons. There are a lot of crazy energies flying out lately, and I need to maintain my Bat Cave home base as just that. I need to be strong and independent, loving from there and only from there.
I fell asleep after 5:30 again, not having accomplished anything all night. I didn’t set up the divination or get into jhana. I was averse to knowing what a couple of days ago I felt driven to know. Something I’ve been learning about myself for the first time lately is how weak and fluxing my intention is. I’m often obsessive, but then the obsession evaporates before it drives any actions that might improve anything. Intention is therefore a new area for development for me. I have the Yin down. I’m affirming here that I need to integrate the Yang more for clarity, drive, intent, and manifestation.
This morning, I just passed out, with only the faintest thought that I should be practicing for lucidity. Instead I passed out while knowing that I wished to avoid everything, consciousness itself, and that is what I did: no dreams, no vibrations even.
After I woke up 5 hours later, I answered some messages. Then I lay down with “I Am the Dreamer” and “Astral Affirmations” coming through flat earbuds I bought for dreamwork. I formed the intent to remember whatever might happen while I was lying down. Very quickly, I was in some altered state and knew it, although the knowing it was dim at first. This is hard to describe accurately, but I was basically walking in air in a virtual computing “space” that was like a blank matrix. This would have been traveling, except for two differences: (1) My point of view was mostly outside my walking spirit body, and (2) everything was radically ephemeral rather than hyper-real and concrete as in my usual traveling. My awareness was on a kind of dimmer and was quickly cranking up, along with memory and analysis in situ.
The first cognitions I had upon the undimming of my awareness were as follows:
- Where did the audio I was listening to go?
- I am in my bed, trying to follow a meditation audio and get to sleep, but I’m still awake.
- Oh, hmm. There is my phantom body walking in matrix space, but only bits of my consciousness are transiently with that body.
- Since I’m awake, why can’t I hear those audios? (This was followed by hearing the audio for a few seconds and then losing sound.)
- Hmm, since I cannot hear anything, maybe I’m asleep? No, I’m not asleep. I couldn’t be metathinking to this extent if I were asleep.
- Hmm, maybe I’m absorbed into the central channel? Well, maybe, but I was not very concentrated, but rather much more on the “letting go” side.
- Hmm, maybe there is a sweet spot to be observed between “letting go” of the audio and the waking, and forming strong intent.
- Hmm, Daniel used to say to form strong intent, then shoot the arrow of the spell, and then totally “let go” and dive into forgetfulness.
- My consciousness is split between the in-bed embodiment and the walking-in-matrix phantom, but mainly with in-bed this time. Why?
- Time is distorted into warp flashings, just as during astral traveling. But this doesn’t seem fast or changeable enough to be hypnagogia.
- Someone or something seems to be showing me the lesson that state categories are artificial and malleable, rather than determinate.
Then my phantom body was gone and I felt the presence of Vasily. I kept expecting to see his face, but instead in the matrix space I saw a text, Latin characters spelling English words. I hesitated but then remembered Tom Campbell’s injunction to interact with anything or being that appears in NPMR. So I reached out to touch the text. But as I reached out and touched it (not with clear astral arms, but more hazy dream arms), the text turned into one of those ancient Tibetan rectangles with calligraphy on it. I was startled and stopped. But then I resumed reaching for it. When I touched it, I saw BuddhaBot avatar in the lower left of a GUI. It was a button, the only button, on a menu. When I touched it, it turned from having a yellow background to having a red background. This made me think, “Oh, to padma family. That is my Buddha family type.”
Then I opened my eyes in bed and was surprised to find my audios not playing. I guess both had played but I was elsewhere. I still had the feeling that I never slept, but I must have because of not remembering hearing the audios unless I remembered to tune in to them, and because of the weird stuff I saw that seemed not what I would daydream up.
The extent of memory and in situ analysis is shocking to me if this was a dream. My memories of the Waking are completely accessible in whatever this state was, and my powers of logical analysis are identical to those in Waking.The entire time, I never lost cognizance of the fact that I was lying in my bed in my bedroom on a Sunday morning.
July 13: Mental Plane, Busy John, and Pioneering Prairie Jenny
I’ve not been recording anything because I’m not remembering dreams or outings. Part of this is, I think, because of sleep debt. But part of it is, I think, that I’m rejecting the idea of embodiment for travel, in favor of direct access while awake, the way Campbell operates. Every night, though, the vibrations start, usually in my lower back, and spread. Sometimes everything goes out after that, and sometimes I have flashes to different scenes, but as soon as I realize what is happening, I’m popped back in body, in bed. At any rate, not much in the way of narrative to report.
One strange change has been the way I’m relating to the “I Am the Dreamer” and the “Astral Affirmations” audios. Listening to them has become bizarre, as if they themselves are a realm the SOD cast. Susanna’s voice has started sounding like a shimmering energetic force field. Her voice and the messages seem to be materializing backward, as if I understand the meaning first, and then her voice says the words that match the understanding. It is like the intention is bidirectional in terms of time and who is giving and who is receiving the message. The message feels co-created, as if I’m in a dimension with her apart from this dimension.
Last night this was happening. Then I started seeing behind my closed lids clouds as layered veils of shimmering light. I was not embodied in an astral or other body. It was a seeing-consciousness experience. I was aware that my body was in bed. I couldn’t identify whether my body was asleep, awake, or in-between. My viewpoint was moving through the shimmering light veils, or they were moving past “me”—hard to say which. I realized as this was happening that I had read some description months ago of the mental plane, and that it was like this. Then I got excited and a little bit nervous, as in “OMG what is going to happen next?” I remembered that people see other beings of some sort in this experience, but I didn’t see or experience other beings, just the cloud-veils of light. Still, the quality of this “place” was like the mental plane. I’ll have to hunt that up again and read about it.I heard Susanna again, and the excitement pulled me back in and awake.
I had a dream about John right before my alarm clock sounded this morning. I am in the corridor of a hotel or resort where John is running a retreat. There are numerous students of his lined up outside his suite. He walks down the corridor toward his door and is about to enter his room. I stop him and say, “May I have quick word with you—5 minutes?” He says, “I have interviews to conduct with all these students lined up; do you have a ticket with a number on it to show your position in the queue?” I reply, “I’m not in your ‘queue’: I’m asking for 5 minutes of your unpaid time, as little of that as I know you have.” He says, “Okay, 5 minutes.”
I enter the suite after John and shut the door behind me. He sits on this big camping-style folding chair. The chair is bright red. He crosses his legs as for meditation, up in the chair. I see no other chair for me to sit in, so I sit on the carpet, below his chair, facing him. I have a brief thought about the carpet, wondering whether it is low-VOC or toxic. John is wearing shorts and has a tan. I say to him, “I want to mention that you are trying to do too many intense things at once. You should slow down and focus on simplifying your life situation. You will burn out otherwise.” He replies, “I have extraordinary beings from the lineage moving through me, so I will not burn out.” I say, “Nonetheless, you are human, and there is only so much time, so you need to be selective about which projects you choose to accept and which you lay aside. You will need to make decisions and then follow through on those commitments. Something will have to go.”
John seems to be only half listening to me. He motions to the door to indicate he lacks time for this conversation because he needs to start the student retreat interviews. I stand up, but I do not walk out. Instead, I’m suddenly standing barefoot and in a prairie dress with with a vast constellation of women, also barefoot and in prairie dresses. We are in fact all standing equidistant from each other on a vast grassland. We form a net of women in formation. One woman speaks, her voice resounding: “The one man who truly had compassion for us is the one who invented tampons.” I start laughing and nodding. Then my alarm clock rudely sounds.
The bit about the grassland image is in part, I think, because DW and Noah were advising me about marketing, and one or both of them (can’t remember) told me to “keep it grassroots.” Prairie is also where pioneers took a stand for the new. The network may be because I’ve been reading and writing about Indra’s net as trope for unilocality. Earl Haas invented the tampon. I just wiki’d that fact.
July 15: Disembodied Projection and Kwai Chang Caine
Toward late morning I had some normal dreams that concerned being with teachers and discussing Trans-Himalayan cosmological enlightenment models. But I didn’t retain specifics after I arose to get my coffee. I was at the office working till 3 a.m. and then read an article when I got home. So, very late to bed, I listened to “I Am the Dreamer” and “Astral Affirmations.” I bounced back and awake after 40 minutes and reached for my phone to record this audio-log before going to sleep.
July 17: Light as through a Sieve and More Dream Memory
I fell asleep around 10 p.m. for 1.5 hours. I keep dreaming of some kind of disembodied inquiries about this Trans-Himalayan weirdness, but I do not remember answers received. The main happening was that I was seeing white light coming through millions of tiny pinprick holes in a background of blackness. It was like light streaming through a sieve. I was lucid and suddenly realized that I had seen this a gazillion times in dreams but had forgotten the dreams until now.
The key new feature in my dreams is this lucidity that is to an extent that I can remember other dreams while I’m dreaming and can analyze my state and the dream situation while it is ongoing. It is just like my ability to think when I’m awake, which is pretty impressive to me. Jim says Charlie calls this lucidity attainment dream memory.
.I’m going to go meditate lightly for about 20 minutes and then try to sleep. I’m planning to try to reach John heart to heart and support him. I feel like something bad is about to happen, like I’m about to receive bad news from him. That Death card I drew keeps flashing up in my mind’s eye in connection with John. That card is about a major ending coming on my path, and it was to happen within 3 to 6 months from mid-May. The advice on that card was not to resist the ending when it comes, because it is supposed to happen, but it will be painful.
I’m going to a public teaching by Geshe Gelek Wednesday evening. He is scary psychic yet is one of the most humble people I’ve ever met. I am going to sit in meditation during his teaching and try to reach him with my heart-mind. I want to be able to make an appointment with him to discuss my path situation, but the rules at the Gelugpa center are normally that one has to get advice from the nuns. Access to the Geshe is restricted. My intuition is strong that I need to see Geshe Gelek in light of the confusing changes John has undergone in the past 9 months and how it they are affecting me.
I’m also going to do a very heavy-duty tarot reading on what is going on, the trustworthiness (or not) of the changes, the book prospects, and what all this mean for me in terms of the path alliances I will make or break.
I received a new Audible credit. I decided to download Robert Monroe’s *Ultimate Journeys.” After I started listening, this massive color-saturated rainbow shot down. Photo doesn’t do it any justice.
July 19: Weird Dream of Kerry Embodied as a Shovel
I slept 9.5 hours because today began my staycation ahead of Vasily’s arrival at 6-fucking-30 a.m. Saturday. The only dream I remember happened this morning. I am in a four-storey house by a beach. There are people in and out of the house. John is there, in the attic. He stays in solitude and mutters mantras while counting on his mala and gazing out a window at the ocean. I’m on the third floor and dealing with a situation: It seems that while Kerry was trying to meditate, he lost his body and became embodied in a long rusty old shovel. Kerry is talking to me out of the the digging end of the shovel. Part of me is amazed because this is magic. But mostly I’m upset because my beautiful boy is now a shovel!
I go up to the attic to tell John that Kerry turned into a shovel but can still talk somehow. John is dazed, preoccupied. He looks at me as if bored at the news and shrugs his shoulders. He is about to go back to saying his mantra, but I say, “Can you help me figure out how to liberate Kerry from this prison shovel? ” Again, John just shrugs, says not a word, and returns to gazing out on the ocean and muttering. I say, “I hope you get over whatever is ailing you soon, because this is getting old.” Then I return to Kerry on the lower floor.
When I return to talk with Kerry, Kerry says to me, “Mom, can you go to the balcony and throw me in the pool below?” I grab the shovel and go out on the balcony and look down. The pool is very far down and out. I feel that I will miss if I throw the shovel toward the pool. I’m also not certain that Kerry won’t hit the sidewalk and die, or sink to the bottom of the pool and die. I tell Kerry this, but he says, “It’ll be all right.” But I decide I cannot do it Kerry’s way. I carry the shovel down many flights of stairs and walk over to the pool to dip the shovel in that way. I ask Kerry if he is ready, but the shovel won’t answer me. I started panicking that maybe I should have followed Kerry’s plan and now maybe Kerry’s soul has vanished just like his body.
Finally, I just throw the shovel in the pool. It sinks, and I run back up the stairs and into the house. Standing there is Kerry, in Kerry’s body, talking. Then I woke up.
To see a shovel in your dream suggests that you are seeking knowledge, insight, and inner intellect. You are on a quest for a new understanding of your true Self. Alternatively, a shovel means that you are trying too hard in finding the truth to a problem. To dream that a shovel is broken indicates that you are frustrated with work.
July 20: Brief Flashes Out of Body
Kurt woke me up prematurely, and, as is often the case, I couldn’t get all the way back to sleep, so now I’m in sleep debt again. I lay down for 2 hours, though, very lightly meditating on my breath. My arms were aching pretty fiercely. I just felt my aching arms at one with the breath. I experienced several flashes out of body.
The first one was simply my looking down at my feet and being surprised that I was floating and seeing my feet out of body. I floated down till my feet touched the cold tile floor in the master bathroom, which felt so soothing. I was rapidly pulled back to my coarse in-bed body. Other brief flashes were my messaging Kerry on my mobile phone something about Tom Campbell and my seeing through Kerry’s cracked bedroom door to find him moving about to dress and then sit and study.
I woke up feeling emotionally this heavy darkness, a big drag down into what felt like my severe clinical depression from years ago. I also am feeling a sense of foreboding as I fall asleep. I haven’t felt these once-continual feelings for years; now they sandwich sleep. I need to adjust my time so that I’m spending less time consuming books and media, and more time trying to revive j7 practice. Motivation toward this is plan hard to maintain, but it probably is just that I need to establish the nightly meditation habit. I have to clean house and prepare for Vasily’s arrival. I’m feeling unmotivated for that, too. They must have called the formless jhanas “realms” for a reason. I’m not sure where a switch toward j7 as the portal leaves my initial goal of dream lucidity, but I guess I won’t worry about it. I get confused if I try working too many practice goals at once.
July 22: Oscillations between Solar Plexus and the Word “Familiarity”
I have been in a funk all day and sleepy because Kurt woke me up too early this morning. I need to be preparing for Vasily, but have remained in bed most of the day, doing little, because I’m so burned out from my job that just lying here with no agenda feels like vacation luxury unexcelled.
I listened to some Tom Campbell talks last night and today. I went to his site and purchased the 2017 collections of binaural beats because I need some joy. I decided to lie down and plug into the one that is just for sleep, not for OBE. I did, however, attend to Tom’s injunctions about skillful intention-setting, that query needs to be specific, but expectation about what the answer might be and how it is presented should be relinquished. Expectations are not the same as intent. This was an interesting and useful point to me.
Even though I was aiming to sleep, I decided to set an intention because Tom mentions in his talks that dreams can answer and test us just as OBEs can. Because of this strange foreboding, and because Kerry will be driving to Philadelphia July 30, I decided to query about fear. My intention was this: In order to lower my consciousness entropy and clarify love at the level of being, what can I do to free myself from foreboding?
The binaural beats took a while for me to get used to and stop analyzing. They even at first brought out some solar plexus surges But after about 15 minutes, I guess, they sort of softened. I don’t feel that I ever slept. I never lost awareness of lying in my bed and trying to let go all the way into sleep. After a while, however, I was looking at my mobile phone, at some chat text. I stopped reading at the word familiarity. I do not know or remember what the surrounding words were, although one of them was a -th word like thorough or throughout. My attention stayed fixed on that word familiarity. I vaguely remembered my query about how to be liberated from feelings of foreboding and doom. I wondered if this word were the answer. I did a reality check by reading each letter, one at a time, to spell out the word. I confirmed that the letters were clear and spelled correctly, although I could not read any of the surrounding words.
After this my attention shifted to surges of sensations of the solar plexus, those feelings of impending doom that I experienced the week of the Boulder retreat. Then my attention shifted back to the word familiarity. This oscillation happened several more times over a while before I got up out of bed and stopped the audio. Although I do not feel that I ever dipped into sleep, I was refreshed and energized by this rest. I’m looking forward to trying other of Tom’s binaural beats tracks, which were meticulously designed to suspend people between awareness and deep theta state. there are about 16 tracks.
Meditation means “to become familiar with.” I’m guessing that the oscillation with the solar plexus grab was suggesting that I work in some daily solar plexus opening like I did a couple of years ago.
The binaural beat track “Sleep” is like Valerian at the stimulant end. It induces rapid-fire visions for hours, and flashes out of body. Not great if the goal is to end sleep deprivation. The visions are all over the place, and the movement from one to the next is like being captive in a kaleidoscope. I remember having a POV on a high overpass and seeing cars’ headlight coming around a curve in the highway below, seeing Tahiti at nights with boats and totems, seeing Daniel several times, seeing my lost mindfold on a door handle somewhere in the house, reading my mobile texts, and seeing lots of humanoid and alien faces glowing in some distant woods. I also was feeding my coarse mouth with astral food with my astral hands and fork. Kurt was snoring, so I tapped him to roll over on his side. When that didn’t work, I realized I had been using my astral hand. Then I decided that if I were going astral, then Kurt’s snoring was probably inconsequential.
July 23: Dream about John and His Mixed Messages
I find myself on retreat with John in some local home. There are about 25 people sitting on the living room floor. Suddenly, he asks me to do the pointing out of the next meditation. I am thrown off. He could have let me know he was going to call on me before the retreat so I could prepare. I say to him, “Okay, but I’ll be shooting from the hip, just as you shot from the hip by asking me to impromptu in front of all these people.” He smiles and gives me the mic.
In my characteristically school marm fashion, I tell everyone to get up and move into a circle because everyone is seated in a random formation and staring at someone’s else’s back or side. So there is this time-consuming transition as everyone complies and grumbles about John’s letting me teach.
I start rapidly planning out what to say. I decide that, because I had pointed out Mahamudra so many times in Teresa’s bardo, I would do that, with long silences for people to meditate deeply. I also decide to make the instructions pith and clear. As soon as I begin, though, John stops me and asks what the hell I am doing. I say, “Huh? I’m leading Mahamudra because that is what I already have prepared.” John says for everyone to take a break.
I am back in the house in a hallway with John. He says, “What are you doing teaching Mahamudra?” When I look up at him, I see that he has changed in form to Bjork in an elaborate Kabuki costume. He is scary and has flaming eyes in a pale white woman’s face. I say to him/her, “I was teaching Mahamudra because you gave me no time to prepare and I taught it to Teresa in the bardo.” He/she said, “You are not lineage-authorized to teach that!” I said, “True, yet you told me to teach it to Teresa before she died, but she was too sick.” I am confused and sad because he is changing his story and instructions on me.
I go gather my things, with a sense of shame in front of everyone, and leave the retreat, alone.
This concludes July 2018.
Dreamed the long day
Just wandering free
Though I’m far gone
You sleep nearer to me
If I could find peace
If this night leaves
But I can’t help myself
So I’ll walk out
These wandering dreams
Up the north road
Dressed gold and green
If I could lie still
As that great hill
But I can’t help myself
Well it’s calm and it’s clear
Collapsed here on the stone
Delivered to this place
A vision dark and cloaked
And those figures through the leaves
And that light through the smoke
And those countless empty days
Made me dizzy when I woke
And I live to see your face
And I hate to see you go
But I know no other way
Than straight on out the door