Bewildering Altercation / Remarkable Child
I’m having a rough night. I’ve been up crying for hours. I’ve had some bewildering altercation with Daniel. I tried to meditate but could not. I just sat on my cushion and let loose with the tears.
I’m not even sure why he reacted as he did to what I wrote him, but he sent me the link to his FAQ disclaiming being anyone’s teacher, accused me of trying to manipulate him, accused me of quickly feeling “entitled.” implicitly accused me of “drama,” implied I didn’t have stream entry, said that this altercation was my “hyper-projecting” onto him and that he “resented” it, said my message was “caustic” and “venomous,” which it was not, and more. He listed 3 points for me to think about and dismissed me in his hyper-dismissive aloof fashion. And he said everything that happened tonight was insight-stage diagnostic on me.
He cited having spent 3 hours of his time advising me by email, which advice consisted of the story of his getting 4th path, and didn’t even charge me for this service! No mention of the many more than 3 hours every single day that I’ve spent donating my time to professionally structure and edit his book. I didn’t mean to manipulate him, if that is what I’ve done. I really revere him and I feel crushed at the crisp cold words with which he has dismissed me.
Middle of the night, and in walks my 19-year-old son on the way back to Chapel Hill from being out of town. He walks into my bedroom and sees me there crying on my cushion. He was so wonderful, sat on the bed with me and held me in his arms, rocking me as I once rocked him. And then, he said, “Mom. Cheer up. You’ve been such a good, kind mother to me all my life. I love you very much.”
He lives 30 minutes away near his college campus. He never comes home, yet past midnight, when I broke down crying on my meditation cushion, he suddenly came in the kitchen door, bounded up the stairs, and swooped into my bedroom, saying, “Oh, I’m sorry I interrupted,” but then saw that I was crying. I did cheer up, sat with him a while, and talked about all the music shows we are going to see (we have a deep music bond). It was as though this guardian angel had swooped down out of the black of night, and its face, of holy course, was that of my own only child.
[Painting of Queen of Disks, Mary-el Tarot, courtesy of Marie White]