Saturday concluded a weeklong Mahamudra retreat with John, who emphatically is my root teacher and who seems this year more comfortable than last year with being the outright and somewhat removed examplar. His fierceness is surfacing. It’s all good!
Although this retreat was not expected to – and didn’t – bring about any new level of awakening as last year did, this retreat was not exactly relaxing, as I had somehow assumed it would be. I experienced a seemingly perfect balance of energy and calm throughout it, but emotionally and magickally it was intense. I spent about five or six sits weeping – not over anything in particular, just the heartstrings John pulls with his words and transmission.
At any rate, almost immediately after the retreat ended, I was no longer nicely energetic and calm; instead, I was both agitated and exhausted. I slept and slept and slept. I woke with some low-level misery and fear sensations not connected to anything going on. Perhaps some energetic or neural reorganization is under way, after all, and I really do need to feed it with rest.