Date: Mon 28 Aug 2017
There was a hot air balloon. I was scrolling through dates and places, perhaps to make an itinerary for traveling in the balloon.
Date: Tue 29 Aug 2017
Poor sleep with hallucinations after 28 drops of Valerian. Saw night sky and stars and planets. Saw ghost tigles and threads as in visions. Woke to see the ceiling rapidly breaking up into dark and light spots that were surprisingly big. Rapid swarm. Finally slept. Had incoherent dreams of traveling to a mountain home where Aunt Judy and Uncle Roland were. Saw photos of Jill and I as children superimposed. Saw photo of Kerry as baby. Saw Paige at one point. Was at a conference table later with Stacey and two additional employees who were hired. One was a black lady named Carol. No one real. Stacey was scolding me for trying to hard at my job. There was an image of a yellow smiley face from the 1970s. It was associated with the mountain home and childhood photos. (Jill and I used to have smiley face cups in the 1970s.)
Date: Fri 01 Sep 2017
I slept from 3:30 am to 9:15 a.m. I lay still upon waking and know I dreamed entire scenes but all I could retrieve was that I or someone was fueling at a gas station outside Cherokee, where my son Kerry is going to play poker. So car traveling and mountains in the west. Oh, as I was first falling asleep I saw two weird things. The first was a huge purple scribble that scrambled rapidly through a subway station. The other was the head of a white cat that poked through the matrix at me. White cat was in some of my dreams last year. This one was the same cat! She is usually a dream sign to become lucid.
Date: Sat 02 Sep 2017
Lucidity: Yes, faded to clear light
I slept from 1:30 to 4:30 and then from around 5:30 to 12:30. I recall nothing except in the morning hearing the bird totem and checking off that technique on some online chart. At least I am sleeping at night. I’m resolving to straighten out my sleep schedule.
Okay I read some Wallace passages about Atiyoga and then went back to sleep in the afternoon for another 90 minutes. I dreamed of the curmudgeon GOT character named the Hound. I was not part of the scene, nor embodied, nor Jenny identity. I was the same as awareness. But this awareness did start communicating with the hound, without speaking. The hound is a warrior skeptic, but in memory and the dream I had him conflated with the shape-shifter Jaqen H’ghar, who was a religious assassin who collected the faces of those the sect killed. The faces could be worn by him and Arya Stark to display identities.
So my awareness was telling the Hound that he was grumpy because he was traumatized by his brother’s burning his face when they were children but the way was beyond displaying new faces. The way was about taking off his own face. Right before I had fallen asleep, I had remembered what I told the ICY about J’s having no personality but only personality display. As soon as the advice went to the Hound, I became self-aware and the dream scene dissolved. I started moving through layer after layer of awareness to nonconceptual presence. I understood that I had just penetrated my own masks and was now naked awareness. The sleep continued this way until I rose to make coffee.
I’m not used to this anymore. When it happens it isnt easy to know for sure that it has happened.
Date: Sun 03 Sep 2017
Lucidity: No, but did a (failed) reality check in the dream
I slept nearly 11 hours with phase shifted to begin sleep at 4:30 a.m. I used a new lucid/astral hypnosis audio that has binaural beats in the background. I couldn’t really hear the narrator’s words but the reverb was soft and dreamy. I fell asleep immediately. I had no sleep aids but Epsom salt bath.
I woke up midmorning and remembered no dreams. I changed positions after that and fell back asleep until 2:43 p.m.
Then I remembered rather jumbled dreams. I was taking Kerry to some clinic at a hospital campus, red brick. We waited for hours and they made us leave without being seen. It was their fault but I mustered patience and tried to reschedule, but the front desk girl, who was Asian with a short bob haircut, was without affect or bored and couldn’t care less. Finally the two chairs from my bedroom appeared and I gave them to her to resell so she would get us a real appointment. She then sold only one chair to someone and I was sad because she split the pair up. I never cared for those chairs, didn’t want them, but splitting them up seemed wrong.
Next I was in another sort of clinical setting and holding meeting with my sangha, the ICY. We were arguing semantics over some vocabulary words on a worksheet, and this task seemed a threat to the cohesion of the group, splitting us up. We decided not to have vocabulary homework anymore. Good idea!
Then I was driving to another meeting of the sangha, but took another longer route to our meeting place. There was a long winding road through a semi rural neighborhood. Barry was standing by the road with a headdress on of yellow feathers some of which floated off freely into the air.
Then I was suddenly on a shorter route to both Kerry’s clinic and my sangha, but Kurt was driving. I knew he was going to turn left in two more intersections. But I told him to take the first left. I told him it was Allison Street. And as we approached I decided whether the street name should be spelled Alyson or Allison. I decided on Allison and the green street sign said Allison clearly. I glanced away and read it again: Allison. I was trying a reality check but lucidity failed because I read it the same way twice.
Triggers for this dream are that Noah, who is a few years older than Kerry, separated from the chat forum of the sangha (temporarily). Barry seems a little psychic and is a traditionalist mostly. The yellow feathers are Ratna energy, ruminations and worry. Alyson is one of my authors who was mentioned in an email yesterday, and Kerry was supposed to be a daughter we were going to name Allyson or Allison.
Date: Tue 05 Sep 2017
I had some wild experiences while doing two lucidity / astral projection audios with hypnotic suggestion, guided meditation visualization of becoming vast awareness, and binaural beats. There were moments when I felt altered but I don’t think I slept. I don’t trust the narrator yet, so some of it was a bit scary.
Past two nights I know I dreamed some scenes with my sangha, but recall was not good. I do remember telling them that the next point on the map was to lie down on their backs and float into these ovens. I could see a row of primitive ovens with doors open and waiting. Maybe because of Jim’s expression “baked in.”
Date: Thu 07 Sep 2017
I abandoned western methods. I meditated, prayed, and traced the lotus shaped in a red light. Then I felt it in the throat chakra. 30 minutes into hypnagogia I saw a large white number 17. I became lucid and seemed to remember dreaming it recently, maybe even the previous night. The number was important.
Date: Sat 09 Sep 2017
Afternoon when I went back to bed I quickly dreamed I was in the Village Deli and ordering lunch. I upgraded my side order to soup. They said my total was $60 and I said, “$16?” They said no, $60. I said “No, this is a dream because not even this place would charge that much for soup!” Because I was in Samsaric sleep and realized it, I aborted the dream and woke up. No other successes at night.
Date: Tue 12 Sep 2017
Yesterday dreamed I was breastfeeding Kerry as a baby and was happy. Today had fragmented dreams. In one part, Kurt was clearing single-handedly a large downed tree from the perimeter of a basin on whose edge we lived.
Date: Fri 15 Sep 2017
I was in a flooding basement corridor and a steel door was lowering from above. Jim’s voice was shouting out, “There’s the threshold, Jenny!” I became lucid and then woke up. There were many such waking episodes. Toward morning the waking was into a remembered feeling of deep depression, almost suicidal. Hurricane Irma and family strife were perhaps triggers.
Date: Sun 17 Sep 2017
I had dreams I cannot recall, but I recall seeing a small bedroom with a double bed and telling and showing Kerry that Sharon used to have an equally small bedroom with a double bed and a twin bed. The dream was about comparative wealth.
Date: Tue 19 Sep 2017
Lucidity: No, but successfully incubated (asked for a teacher to come into a dream and teach me)
I was gazing out on a meadow, with tree line in the distance. The scene was cold and late autumn. The grasses and tree leaves were all golden brown, vivid decay, going to seed as the Olds say of the fourth vision. I pulled out my cell phone and started taking photos of the field. I kept moving to a new position to optimize the capture of the lighting.
Then to the left I saw a slope down into an amphitheater. There was a musical concert happening. I knew J was there, even though he was far up toward the front. Nicole and his kids got up and passed me in the aisle as I moved toward him. I sat down in the seat beside him. He was wearing a brown blazer. His hair was long. He kept his gaze on the stage.
I said, “This isn’t my usual music. I like Radiohead.” He said, “Just watch and listen to the show without trying to capture it.” Energy from the third eye and the heart center was transmitted by both of us to the other and received by both of us from the other. I felt deep love for him. I felt safe. I felt seen and held even though he was still just gazing at the show and not touching me or looking at me.
Before sleep I incubated a dream to have a teacher appear and advise me on gaining lucidity in sleep. My teacher in real life is who appeared.
Date: Sun 24 Sep 2017
I am in some sort of group loosely gathered on a remote site or in a small town. It may be Buddhist Geeks conference. Sian from work is there, and we are discussing some review or marketing plan. She has to abruptly leave and I remember and remark out loud that she has four children and no wonder that she has to leave early. She says actually she has five children. I say that I do not know how she manages life.
After she goes I think how she is not trying to write a book and is not leading an intellectual’s life. I am comparing people and remember I should accept all people as buddhas.
I now overhear some conversation in which one conversant is saying she has academic degrees in three areas. She is a combination of Kathy Durant from House of Cards and Laurel Carrington from Awake Network. I notice that she doesn’t mention these are PhD and MS degrees. I am impressed with what she keeps secret and her humility as a kindness to others.
Now I am at a computer in the hotel lounge for the WiFi. I decide to post to the Dharma Overground and about what people keep secret out of kindness to others, or humility. I have three short posts in mind and I type out the first one although I cannot read the screen, which should have been a reality check.
Then I remember that I am banned from the DhO site and banished from the community. I think about using an alias to keep my identity secret. I remember that it upsets Daniel for me to post stuff that implies he is not fully enlightened. I make sure my text is nonthreatening to him. Then I decide to post under my true identity. I know this will likely fail because I am banned. I see Daniel’s picture showing he is online and vigilant. I click “Post” and wait for my post to be deleted by Daniel.
To the left of me, in the hotel lounge, a portal opens in the wall. It is a dark underground tunnel linking Daniel and me. I almost call out his name and wait for him to emerge. But instead I notice that we can simply feel the other’s presence and communicate telepathically. I let him know that the post is neutral and not personal but to delete it if it is not okay for me to post. There is no answer, but he leaves the post on the site. I post the next two in the same way. The topic is secrecy and openness, how each can be generosity, depending on the situation.
Now I am out of the conference hotel and in a grocery store. I feel my bare feet on the cool floor. It feels so good. I know it is normally against establishment rules to enter barefoot, but we are in some beach town where people enter in their bathing suits. So I try to break the rules inconspicuously by acting natural.
I fill my cart with old fashioned glass bottles of milk. At the cash register is an old man who forgot to bring enough money. He too is barefoot. I pay for my milk and when he isn’t looking I place half my milk in his cart and signal to the cashier that this milk of human kindness belongs to the man. Then I walk out.
Date: Tue 26 Sep 2017
Lucidity: No, but did a (failed) reality check and had a false awakening, so close
I thought I wasn’t asleep when really I was. Then I (falsely) awoke at 9 a.m. I got up, dressed for work, and went to work. But it wasn’t my current job. It was a hybrid between my former job as a freelance copy editor and some ideal job I have dreamed of before. Denise and Sian from my current job were there, though. After a while, I vaguely sensed something was off about this reality. Eventually I did the reality check of trying to push the index finger through the opposite palm. The reality check failed because I couldn’t push my finger through and falsely concluded that I was in the waking reality after all. At 9:00 a.m. I really woke up and was stunned and disoriented to find that that the first awakening was false.
Date: Fri 29 Sep 2017
There was a house and a party there with various dharma friends and acquaintances. It was some all night party. There were various indoor and outdoor scenes. One was of being in a rowboat on a pond behind the farmhouse where the party was. The clear part was in the morning. I walked into the bright white farmhouse kitchen. Daniel was there facing the sink, maybe washing his hands, or washing dishes as he once told me he does at dinner parties. He turned around and I was standing right in front of him, smiling and lifting an eyebrow as if to say, “Well now what?” I half expected him to brutally cut me off. But he flashed his dimples, said something merely polite, and remained cheerful. We talked about how we were in general. After about 10 minutes he walked away and then left the scene.
Date: Sat 30 Sep 2017
I am staying in J’s and Nicole’s home in Boston. The home is big and old with a lot of hardwood paneling and cool wood floor under my feet. J is out traveling a lot. Nicole walks around in a house coat and with her hair all tousled, uncombed.
I am comfortable there except that Nicole is a bit eccentric and disorganized (and therefore like me). The home ambiance is ruined by the fact that it is badly infested by huge Darth Vader cockroaches. Some even fly, and I have to swat them out of my hair. I refrain from killing them, remembering how J once spoke tenderly to a stink bug that landed on him during a Skype call. But then Nicole placed some scones she made on a hallway table and I was disgusted to see them covered with roaches that seemed to be throwing crumbs up with their hind legs and burrowing into the scones for fun. Nicole was fine with all this but I lost my appetite.
On the wide wooden landing I stood while Nicole was in taking a bath. Suddenly my dead father appeared in three dimensional form in front of me. He looked so young, so real. He was dressed in his suit from the 1960s and smiling at me. I was excited but I wondered if he were merely a hologram, because he was in black and white. I said to him, “Daddy, I dream only in color now. You are not real.” Then, although he appeared to be an electronic movie, he stepped off the round disc he was projected from and hugged me. I could feel that I was held by him and that he loved me.
Nicole came out of the bathroom, and the holographic image vanished. J was home from conducting retreats. He was bounding up the stairs. I went into the room to tell him what had happened, careful to step over all the disgusting cockroaches running riot. The couple knew of such hologram experiences and were nonplussed, but I had to convince them that this one could hug and therefore take on solid form. They finally seemed to believe me.