Most Refined Mid-High Equanimity and First Sense of Fractal Stages
I’m in the highest, most refined Equanimity I’ve ever experienced. Just like that, beginning sometime last night during that new little meditation Daniel gave me to do, which I’m going to call the Three-Percent Solution because he said to use only that amount of effort, and it solved some kind of major meditation problem I’ve been having. And I can go there any moment because it doesn’t really leave, so today during a meeting for example – just a slight inclination or memory does it, just awareness. Equanimity.
The sit I just finished was the first time ever that I have had a decently strong sense what people mean by fractal sense of nanas. While sitting in exceedingly clear mid-high equanimity, I felt the rolling in of A&P as fairly intense tingling up my thighs and little bursts of light, then exhilaration/fear, then longing bordering on misery, then disgust as nausea, then feelings of wonder and desire, and then peace like cradling and being cradled.
I was sitting upright, legs crossed, perfectly poised, zero pain or discomfort, with sense of body mostly gone and sometimes frankly gone. I was also aware of jhanas, and 4th kept slipping into Boundless Space, which I kind of have to fight off a bit these days if I want to go elsewhere. So I felt into that effort to pull up out of that jhana, which was an odd twisting sensation of effort.
Last night there were huge billowing swaths and vortexes of flowing longing-toward and recoiling-from that went around and around and around. Less of that tonight and more little moments of feeling that awareness is syncing up with space, except that there is indeed this subtle fear. . . .
That subtle fear is almost what it is to be alive. Yes, what it is to be.