Psychological Stuff

Flower whose common name is “Bleeding Heart”

Because Fitter Stoke brought up on another thread my “talking about” my probable stream entry with him as I did, and because he gave me a full 5 seconds to answer each of his queries about the event, aftermath, and jhanas—and to do so via chat box—now seems like a good time and place to link to my first journal, which I trust supersedes the usual DhO ritual hazing of those claiming stream entry.

[Link to the Dharma Overground is now deleted from here.]

Codependency

After I huffed off the DhO during the Last Straw phase of antifeminist bullshit there, I moved over to Awake Network (AN) for a while and replicated and continued my practice journal there. I then later deleted my account there after being told, contradictorily, that I was both “cultish” toward (well, okay) and lacked respect for (absolutely untrue) Daniel. I copied that journal to my private hard drive, where it will remain. If I ever have occasion here to refer to some post in that thing, I can always copy and paste.

The main pattern in that AN journal was much tempestuous emotionality, with a lot of Desire for Deliverance craziness—sits devolving to crying and even praying. All this childhood trauma stuff was coming up with regard to my father, who drank himself to death when I was 12 and who, when drunk, was known to be sometimes quite abusive, even punching my sister in the face and pulling a gun on me and threatening to shoot my pet basset hound through the head in front of me when I was about 9 or 10.

The unbottling of this “stuff” began right after stream entry and continued for a few months. It resulted in “bleed-through” onto no one other than Daniel, but it did go to him because we had by this time begun the intense work on MCTB2 and had frequent, usually daily, contact over the book. Idealization ensued, which is really just another manifestation of alcoholic family codependency.

So, even though this was all only my “neurotic stuff,” the automaticity of the dharma post-SE dictated that this stuff come up and be dealt with somehow. And it was, even though working through “stuff” on the cushion is not worthy of another Path moment, and according to MCTB, not worthy of a single moment of consideration, an opinion with which I have to disagree now. It seemed to need to happen, and something important was cleared so that I could return to practice proper. And Daniel and I seem to have cleared out our relational problems after a bad blowup that was intensely emotionally painful to me. Honestly, his stiff boundaries continue to be hard for me to observe at times because (1) the collaborative work we are doing is intense and affects my practice and me, and (2) I have leaky boundaries, period, and will have to work at this issue probably the rest of my life because of Daddy.

Apologies if this is too much information. It certainly is more than AN would tolerate. That’s why it is Underground, at least. I value honesty foremost, even when it gets me in trouble, as it often enough does.

Postscript 2.5 Years and 2.5 Paths Later

As I reread this post from more than 2 years ago, what strikes me full force is that my deference and supplication toward Daniel Ingram in blaming our trouble on my codependency is itself what was codependent, ironically.  In truth, he behaved reprehensibly toward me, over and over and over again. I had to walk on eggshells with him continually. He wrote to me that he could not do relationships and “can’t do process,” meaning he is literally unable to problem-solve or compromise. All must be on his terms alone.

Daniel is a publicly self-proclaimed arahat who privately confessed to me 

  • inability to be in anything but superficial relationship with other human beings,
  • inability to engage in give-and-take to resolve conflict, and
  • inability and unwillingness to endure his feelings of vulnerability.

Someone who has “taken enlightenment as far as it can go,” as he publicly claims, would not be this. He would not be thus psycho-dynamically crippled and would not keep lying to the public about having unsurpassible wisdom, not to mention compassion.

I covered up for Daniel for a entire year, subtending his public image like a good little Assistant to the Cult Leader. I enabled him. I endured his repeated and unpredictable rage and shutdown over triggers I was bewildered by when I could identify them at all. All this tempestuousness wore me down—while I was, behind the scenes, trying to reorganize the DhO and while spending my nights and weekends on MCTB2, which he wrote served in part as his “resume.”

Over the past few weeks, scandals in certain dharma communities have come to my attention—scandals in the Integral community, for example, because of lying, treacherous “teachers.” I also had occasion to recall the harassment Daniel’s first lawyer, an ordained Rabbi and Buddhist book author, inflicted on me for copyrighting my work. Note this: I have the right to copyright my work. 

So up before me here—the apparition of the False Teacher.

There is more I could reveal about Ingram, and part of me thinks I should. Just a few words would be like a blast of light on his false public identity. In fact, I wrote it out here, for my own clarity. But I’ve deleted all that from the public version of this postscript. And that is to protect him, but not this time out of codependency. I keep silent now from a broad and timeless perspective that is holding space and holding clarity.

My holding is without need. 

 

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