“Melodharmas” of Desire for Deliverance
I had one of those wonderfully profound sits tonight that I let go far past the bell, and far past bedtime, It was insight-oriented, but the meditation method itself kept changing, like gears noisily shifting, and jhana was always somewhere in the background. I just let what happened happen, since, if automaticity is the most notably consistent quality of practice since August, then I should probably look at that.
Desire for Deliverance
So much was happening so fast that I may not be able to capture impression of it here or even transcribe bare facts into words. That’s fine. Main things were rapid, heavy-handed state shifts past 3rd and a sudden shift
from Disgust to Desire for Deliverance (DFD).
I’m such a freakin’ baby during DFD, crying and praying and rocking with it all until peace pervades the rocking. I enjoy DFR, I have to admit. It reminds me of all those cathartic home comforts of being a praying, kneeling Christian while coming up. If it feels right, then I do it. (By the way, Daniel has a new passage about DFD in
MCTB2, and it basically advises just what I’m doing—to go with and into the longing for release, for enlightenment, to its utter depths.)
I felt remorse arise, too, for quarreling with Daniel about book stuff, and related process and communications stuff, over the weekend. Now he is sick and unable to even respond to my pile of proud, bitter emails. All will be well, though. This cyclic stuff will wear itself out, yet again, and something will remain. I can feel that now.
Rapid, Inclusive Noticing
Shifts were rapid, deep, and productive of space. I noticed as many sensations as I could, as rapidly and inclusively as I could, noticing the shifting among the senses and zone-limited body fields that incompletely
and transiently define me, while dropping in inquiries whether that were I.
Jhānic Boundless Consciousness and the Knot
Thoughts as such were not prominent, although I spent time at one point in Boundless Consciousness, and experienced that as a looping back into itself rhythmically, which makes me understand, I think, why Daniel uses the metaphor of unknotting, or untangling, as attaining fourth path: In the unenlightened, there is a segment not left where it is but brought recursively in, down, through, and around until it is this constriction, a knot, a welt, a lump, a thing, my very self.
I experimented with visualizing the knot, feeling it as such, which was really interesting: I experienced some sensations of constriction in my chest, around my heart. Oh, that pain feels like me. And then arose the vivid arrow of not directing anything. Motion, attention, and intention were instantaneous, gapless, always already here.
Choiceless Awareness and the Warp of Clarity Itself
Then I dropped the rapid noticing, opting to just sit in choiceless awareness, which is hard to do these days, oddly, even though months and months ago it was easy. I sort of started to feel out into all that surround-space, and then let the surround-space feel back into me (or whatever).
So there was this rhythmic recursion. I also later allowed for there to be these disks of space that would slice through “me” and drag some of that me out the other side and into the spacious. Opening my eyes, I saw big ripples or eddies. These are hard to explain. They are like hot blown glass warped in clear air lines, not exactly lines of solid color or anything, but the extrasensory warp of clarity itself.
I had what seemed a couple of near misses of a cessation, but I’ll never know and it doesn’t matter. It will happen when I stop waiting for it, when I’m worn down as much as I need to be, when I’m disenchanted. When I’ve come to some kind of understanding. When path is not separate from this fruit, from just this.