For a couple of days now, after aggressive communications from the other side, I’ve been annoyed with myself because
various revenge scenarios keep arising before my mind’s eye—ways I will subtly
let drop on huge forums that Daniel destroyed all our work, 350 manuscript pages, just in order to
deny me a cover credit he had promised me in a written agreement and had actually had implemented.
Vengeance is destructive–even when it is vengeance for vengeance. I don’t want to
be having these thoughts, but I’m really, really pissed at him. Really. He and his friend-lawyer went so low, lying, and insinuating that I’m a stalker–that I can’t really
feel any of that as “grab.” It is just too stupid to be effective that way.
But what I do feel is that he would rather smite me than preserve the best version of his own book. Not once during this
dispute has he so much as mentioned all the practitioners he was supposedly
making this edition for.
What to Do with Anger
I started poking around the Web to find some dharma advice for working with
anger. Nothing much spoke to me. Pema Chodren urged patience, waiting before
taking action to reduce commission of harm. Is harm always wrong? Seriously. I
mean what about Kane? Sometimes he had to kick ass.
I did find a video with a teaching that nuanced the precept against
divisive speech. It was pointed out that there is a duty to the community to
call teachers out for their wrongdoings.
Tonglen Compassion Practice
Tonight I did an intense practice, beginning with Tonglen regarding myself and loved ones on death
bed, then hearing, then awareness of hearing, then emptiness of time, then
dropping awareness into the heart, then ocean-and-waves, and then repeating
tonglen from this very subtle level of mind and seeing how tonglen differed
from the first go-round.
I wept at times, but the tonglen for all beings at the
end was mightily healing.
What am I learning ethically? It is
hard to see the pure nature of one who has deliberately caused me and himself so much suffering in the face of knowing better, of being a supposed dharma teacher. I am
disillusioned. And he is not what he purports to be.
Dream of Floating above Red Pavers
Recently I dreamed I was walking and
looking down at red pavers beneath me. Then I looked up and to the right, down a length of
sidewalk, and saw Daniel entering his little workout place. He tried to guilt me back in August by saying he had to give up his vacations, wardrobe budget, and gym membership to pay for the replacement editor.
I suddenly realized that I
was dreaming and that I could float a few inches above the pavers rather than walk. I realized, too, that I had powers and could follow him into the gym and even know what he was thinking, without my being seen. But
as I approached the door, I remembered all the grief he has caused me and
recoiled. I shouted aloud, “Fuck him!” And I promptly turned and floated like a grand dame of a magnificent ghost in the opposite
direction, with a joyous expansive freedom that woke me in my bed and to this body.