Daily Phases in December
For a couple of months now, but
especially throughout December, which seems to always be a hard month for me,
the hardest, I’ve been waking up slightly depressed and wanting to escape into
sleep again. Then I will typically feel blissed out and spacious as cloudless
azure skies while drinking my coffee and whatnot. Then, later in the afternoon,
I’ll experience little ribbons of anxiety and misery winnowing through. I just observe them. I
don’t like them, yet there is something unchanged, unmoved, just bearing witness. At
night I’m expansive, godly, the meditation itself.
I put too much stock in others. Now I have to learn to stand strong, stand
alone, sit in silence, and need nothing. This crisis with the book has shown me
the limits of my practice, and that is a good thing. The moral chaos is a sign,
a reminder. A Buddha spontaneously fits the thought, word, and action to the
situation. But I still move from fear. Anger is a manifestation of fear. You do
not feel angry except where you are powerless and disorganized around that lack,
which at bottom is fear. Evidently, my opponent is afraid, too—terrified.
Behold MCTB2: strangled
in its cradle.
Third Chakra Unwinding
I did a simple sit tonight for releasing into the solar plexus and then second
chakra. This practice is becoming more and more powerful, and I can sustain it
longer than I could just a few days ago. The third chakra beats like a second
heart. Tonight movement went beyond the thumping and started to rotate. I think this
is what John means by “unwind.” It will liberate itself, and I believe that is
the next level I will witness. This is really remarkable and necessary
practice. I’m grateful for John.
Onward through the Dust Motes
The anger and vengeful flare of the
past few days has already faded. I’m already planning a solo book. I’m looking
forward to the launch of my new group. There is much to come. I want this past
chapter, so to speak, to close and disintegrate to dust motes in departing daylight.