Rigpa and Ground are extraordinarily stable. When I’m with people, I am serene and completely
receptive. It is magical, like I’m watching the most beautiful film ever created and I need
do nothing but be and hear and see. The openness, the vast and stable open
receptivity is safety itself. I have what I give; this is reception.

My
meditations are deeper than I thought possible to go or could imagine. Tonight
I did the work on third chakra: first stabilizing the sense of the
mother-ground to continually release into, knowing that it is itself awareness,
vast and stable and like the holding of a perfect, calm mother.

Then
I pulled all to the inside and up to third chakra. Third chakra consists almost
entirely of contracted numbness, a frozen rosebud. But it can “unwind,” as John
terms it. If it is seen and felt as also that ground, I can allow it to be as
it is. I can allow it and acknowledge it, not try to change it, not bolt, but
be awareness not numbed out. It is okay, it is okay, it is okay—releasing,
releasing, releasing right into the tension, and it starts to move, unknot.

John’s instructions are, if one has pliancy, to bring to mind a difficult
situation with a certain person. And then that hurt—release into that, too. It
is empty, and emptiness is a yes. It is love.

Then second chakra, the sweetness, and later the heart. John says that, if one does this
meditation right, the very youthful, primordial body will be felt underneath
the numerous layers of tension. This is vulnerability. Yes, I could feel it,
both bodies.

Vulnerability.
Why is vulnerability key? Because compassion is required. And compassion means
staying as Christ did: on the cross, resting in peace, resting in love.

I need to write a book.

And there is something playing in the shadows around the edges of my mind. And
it is saying that the different traditions are insufficiently talking to
each other. 

I am watching another video. These students have supposedly almost stabilized
rigpa, but they bring up the most basic, baby obstacles to practice. Some are therapists yet struggle with anxiety and self-doubt so much that practice is impeded. How, how can they have realized rigpa if they don’t even know
how to look at the sensation of anxiety in the body? John gives the psych
perspective, but he also basically says the solution is vipassana. 

Still, in the videos,
week after week, someone has to say the same damned thing. So now I see what frustrated
Ingram about all the psychologizing. John is giving the same answers Daniel
would, ultimately, but he is so nice and patient that no one “hears” what he says as instructions. Whereas Daniel would be an asshole and just be fired or dismissed. 

I’m keep thinking how the elephant path is really the jhanic path for those who
can access the jhanas. Someone needs to survey all practices and put together a
practice manual that is no-nonsense, modern, accessible, and truly nonsectarian. 

Mahamudra seems wasted on newbies; Daniel is wasted on anyone with
three paths (or whatever). Why the fuck can’t someone simplify all this? Even
Daniel gets so mired in Theravadin texts that he loses sight of the how-to, and
the truth is that he doesn’t know how to get the higher paths.

Moreover, Daniel isn’t finished. The
reason is that he has not addressed the compassion-love-intimacy side. That side is
not optional. It is absolutely necessary, critical, to enlightenment. It is why
I’m also not done, and I believe I have just what Daniel does for attainment, which has certainly
demystified Daniel for me.

The problem is that I’m 51. And I will not be able to retire
anytime soon. It will likely take years and years for me to have the knowledge
necessary to write a dharma book that fills a real gap. And the writing itself
will take years if I have to do it outside full-time work hours. 

Listening to John, I hear him now saying for us to keep our eyes open to the suffering in the
world, hold everyone and everything, because what stabilizes realization is
staying with that suffering, compassion, never leaving, staying up on the
cross, never leaving. It is the mystery of the crucifixion that the deeper we feel into the pain of being human, the broader and more unbounded the release.

I Disconnected, unplugged.

I watched a movie (Anna Karenina).

I slept through several rainy days, all day.

I watched John’s teaching on Five Buddha families / Power
/ Destroying the whole mandala.

I meditated.

I Performed a cord-cutting ritual, and this time it was confident,
sure, and felt clean. Afterward, I drew the Tower card—the destruction that releases.

I drove to the Tibetan shop through cold black rain. I bought a Buddhist dagger. It seemed urgent that I acquire one.

I burned sage and drew pentagrams in the four quarters.

I deleted Daniel from all accounts except Linked In.

I am feeling free and clean.

***

I Dreamed I was sitting in a pickup truck that was parked in
front of a shop that was selling altar tables. The truck was running, and the driver’s
side door was open. A small Indian woman led me out of the running truck by the
hand. I thought she was going to take me into the storefront and tell me which
altar to buy. Instead she took me in the other direction, past scores of
people, into a tent. She went into a prostration, with forehead on floor, and I
did as she did. I couldn’t see what we were bowing to. I’m unsure what this dream
means. What I notice upon reflection is that she led me away from the slick modern shop and back toward grassroots. I was led by the feminine.

***
DreamWalker prompted me to see my higher self in a dream. I said okay. Then I had
two dreams in a row wherein I saw a flowing silver infinity sign over a
rainbow that had an especially wide green band.

tumblr_o3y7gdep3t1uea412o1

This recording was to document a seven-card relationship spread I read from the Mary-el tarot deck soon after I formally ended my friendship with Daniel M. Ingram. We had a number of false endings from July 2015 through October 2015, for we very gradually became friendly again after the July break off of collaboration on Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha, second edition (MCTB2), and he seemed poised to “let” me work on the book again right before the final blowup.

Here is a photo of the layout, for the colors are important, a kind of gestalt that is important when reading with this deck: http://jhanajenny.com/post/140936370242/relationship-spread-ratna-meets-vajra-energy

This was a relationship spread I read soon after formally ending my turbulent friendship with Daniel M. Ingram. The left side is me, the top left card being my thoughts about Daniel (note the reversed Buddha), and the bottom being my heart, which is the soaring eagle (freedom and higher path ascension). 

The reversed Queen of Disks at the bottom is the basis of the relationship, and the court cards are normally actual people. The Queen of Disks is my role as the nurturer, the Helper, on the material plane. The reversal indicates that my being assistant, helper, nurturer of MCTB2 was thwarted. This is not a relationship that is safe or life-enhancing.

Earth colors predominate on my side of the spread. This correlates with Ratna energy in the Five Buddha Families. Ratna is “stuck” energy, ruminating, not moving on. Ratna never solves problems, because it is not the energy of doing. So, in general, this reading is showing that I’m ruminating over the whole story, and that my future conduct is bound up in dilemma and confusion.

Fire predominates on Daniel’s side, in stark contrast to my earthiness. His cards are also upright in contrast to my reversals, so he is clear, at least. His thoughts of me are that I am showing strength and pursuit of a higher calling by walking away from him. In his heart, concerning me, is the Tower, the destructive blow that brings release.

Knight of Wands in the middle of the spread is the advice card. It is warning me to be careful to wait for clarity before taking further action. I have powers that I do not understand yet. This is advising restraint lest my concentrated energy become more destructive than is necessary or helpful.

The outcome card shows a riddle: two wrathful sphinxes separated yet joined by the prospect of future peace (white lamb). 

I talk here about this reading: http://lumen-jen.tumblr.com/post/140934437202/this-recording-was-to-document-a-seven-card.

Image is here: http://jhanajenny.com/post/140936370242/relationship-spread-ratna-meets-vajra-energy