I’m upset, which is at least interesting, at least something to notice closely and learn from. This sense of disempowerment—ah, how pervasive it is. The rage is really deep, deep hurt. At least this much I know. Another opportunity to see how recoil, clinging, and passing happens. This hurting is actually love. This suffering is actually compassion all tangled up in bitter-tasting knots I gnash with my ineffectually sharp teeth.
Vibratory Intensity Continuing
I had much to say about the amazing jhana sit I had right before I became upset:
How Boundless Consciousness was so rich yet refined that it seemed no separate awareness was present. Or perhaps it was all awareness and no Consciousness, no it. How splashes of red appeared here as in Nothingness the other night.
How Nothingness was somehow full of movement, flux, almost even bright black flashes. Yet it also became sustainable.
How NPNYNP is hard to sustain when there is too much effort around it, containing it. Give it air, it is thin and wants to fly freely. You have to neither exert effort nor just observe. It is difficult only because it cannot be grasped. But if you settle in with Nothingness, it will come on slippers made of shadows, yellowish gray ones. In fact, it was after relaxing out of practice that I sort of fell back into it with ease and found it sustainable. This is an extremely altered state—extremely removed from reality, very very deep and removed.
How I’ve been in the neighborhood of that sync-up Daniel somewhat inaccurately calls agencylessness most of the day, the bright green April trees swaying in perfect cool air, implausible. I’m one with the moment. The hands open the applesauce. There. Open. It is just happening. I’m just intersecting ripples of vibration. I’m tingling intensely all over, all the time. Not solid.
How gratitude rises from below the navel area, second chakra, and is a flush over the whole body in its secondary wave, like an orgasm but gentle.
How the reason that . . . I can’t remember. Ah—how the reason that some days the results of the shift are less noticeable is because I’m in the Dark Night, so the center of vision is much harder to take in. It is there still, if I tune it, but vj3 tends to obscure the center of attention.
And something about lying down to take a nap in the evening and not being able to sleep because the left side of my body was vibrating one way, and the other side was vibrating another way, leaving interference pattern in between, no field of real body. It is easy for this to go into loss of body during meditation, boundlessness, but somehow the vibratory is predominant, a strong tendency for A&P or raptures to be in the forefront or background all the time, almost obscuring any other sense of insight stage. Last night I was in Misery with strong raptures, a weird combination.
What is up with all the vibrations? They are invading my nonetheless very strong jhanas. The Dharma leads. Everything will show me. All things come. All things go.
Rarity of MCTB Fourth Path
I was thinking today how it seems that everyone I’ve met who has attained Third Path went through one or two false confirmations (yes, by well-known teachers) that they had Fourth Path, when they didn’t. In fact, I think most calls of Fourth are “soft,” meaning wrong. Usually the first false call has to do with simply a “feeling of being done.” Someone may even quit practicing for a couple of years. Then they figure out somehow that they didn’t get it, are not “done.”
In short, it is extremely rare to get MCTB Fourth Path. We are fools to think we can do these sits in our leisure time, be half-assed about it all, and actually get that attainment even after a decade or two. So chances are good that I’ll never get it. I guess that is fine. Whatever I did get is awesome. I’m happier than I can ever remember being, even right this minute as I sit here on this king-sized cherry rice planter’s bed, pissed and hurt. There is this equanimity in all—even the hurt—both empty and miraculous.
The Primacy of Love over a Culture of “Attainment”
Nothing matters without love, not even your “attainment” of enlightenment. We are love, or none of the rest of this shit about attainment this and attainment that matters one iota. And this is why conduct and affective purification fucking matters. And if you don’t think it does, then you are a goddamned fool. I don’t care what precious attainment you think you have. If you are afraid to stand for anything, if you are afraid to feel your feelings, if you are so afraid of being hurt or abandoned again that you put up walls or don spikes to put X in her proper place, then you cannot know love, and your enlightenment is but another false, false layer of endarkenment.
My speech-acts may be all messed up right now in this dark, dark night. But I do know how to love. It is just like Neither Perception Nor Yet Nonperception: You have to let it fly; you cannot contain, control, and protect it. It is not yours. You must share.
And charity begins at home. And I sound like a fucking little fool in this profound loneliness.
Be Something Else
Be something else, be something
That is not what it is, for
Being what it is, it is
Too absolute to be.
If you insist on being
What you are, how can we
Ever love you, we
Cannot love what is—
By which I mean a thing that
Totally is and therefore
Is absolute, for we
Know that the absolute is
Delusion, and that Truth lives
Only in relation—oh!
We love you, we truly
Do, and we love the
World, but we know
We cannot love others unless
We learn how to love
Ourselves properly, and we truly
Want to love you, but
For God’s sake stop that yelling!
Robert Penn Warren